The remaining three teams went head to head to see who will join Steve and Maura in Sudden Death. Chilling back in the velvet confines, Steve had seized the relaxed opportunity to wear a fedora unlike any other (grey with blue trim). Neena and Belinda were safe again after the shock bikie scone celebration of yester-ep, yet another mystery box dodged for the Hippies. Never try to ‘box-in’ a Hippy, man. Zen Polynesian Cook Aaron was approaching the kitchen with “an empty mind” and a helluva good Biggie t-shirt, whereas The Corporate Dads were ready for business – “it’s just another day at the office”.
Ben Bayly threw down a mystery box breakfast challenge for the teams. Each mystery box on their station contained either mushroom, bacon, chorizo or…fruit. Jessie and Ricki got the mushies, confidently telling the camera that they are going to stuff them, “we’re going to get a whole lot of stuff and stuff it in it!” Very literal interpretation of the word ‘stuff’. Aaron and Heather got chorizo, a fancy sausage for a fancy team. Dai and Dal got bacon, and The Corporate Dads got fruit. “F****!” yelled Corporate Aaron, “I f****** hate fruit!” I f****** hate fruit too mate. Fruit is not business, fruit is not synergy, fruit is the worst. Good news for them though, after a quick trip to the storeroom it was announced they would all be moving over one bench. Aka goodbye fruit, hello bacon. Breakfast stocks are on the rise.
Polynesian Cook Aaron was no longer zen after getting shafted with this unplanned Corporate fruit bowl. The Cuties were lost in a sea of chorizo confusion, “sausage? what the hell are we going to do with sausage?” (touché). Aaran and Heather decided to go for pancakes. Jessie and Ricki started chopping things because they didn’t know what else to do. Dai and Dal took over the stuffed mushrooms stuffed with stuff, poaching eggs in Glad Wrap (Hippy Neena outraged about the toxins from the sidelines). Corporation Dad Limited Inc seemed to be nailing a bacon and egg pie.
The breakfast results were in, Ben Bayly showed an extreme amount of passion for the “freaking delicious” Polynesian Pancakes. The Corporate Dads were “as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs,” but they needn’t have been that nervous (or gone to such great lengths to create such a weird simile about how nervous they were). The Corporate Pie smashed it, really allowing for bacon to be the “true hero”. Congratulations to bacon, let us award you a Victoria Cross for literally just lying in some egg for a while. Dai and Dal’s mushrooms were under-seasoned, allowing for some cool uncharacteristic smack-talk from Jessie: “I would have seasoned the shit out of those mushrooms.” Don’t get too cocky though Cuties, their omelette disaster looked very very bad. Ricki laughed nervously, “it’s not the first time we’ve served vomit on a plate.” WHAT? Oh, the pancakes. I remember.
The Corporate Dads were safe, it was time for a cheese challenge to see who will face Princess Anne and King Fedora in Sudden Death. Step aside bacon, it’s time for cheese to be the hero. Heather and Aaron made close to 68 different cheese dishes on one plate, and had a very cute moment when Heather lifted up Aaron (how?!) to check the oven and he sung “I’ve Had The Time of My Life”. They did good with their 68 dishes. Cheese was the hero. Cheese was the Patrick Swayze.
Dai and Dal made a pimp as hell looking three-cheese ravioli which made Ben Bayly whimper because he loved it so much. The Cuties? Not so much, their three-cheese quesadilla was thick and smothered the heroic efforts of the cheese. Ben Bayly looked like he might cry, palpably moved by the plight of the cheese: “the cheese, it just didn’t have a chance in there.” Jessie and Ricki will join Steve and Maura in Sudden Death tonight, I’m more nervous than a lizard who has walked into a room full of functioning jackhammers.
Moral of the story: Don’t be a hero, let cheese be the hero.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.