Elyse Robêrt brings us the debut of our Shortland Street power rankings, covering the waxing and waning of Ferndale’s babe medic community.

This week was full of classic Shorty behaviour from some of our favourite Tāmaki Makaurau residents. TK was grumpy about everything, Boyd was in Melbourne but still managed to be bossy, and that leaf Victoria’s turned over has given us another female character to love (you know, aside from Rachel McKenna).

One of the most loveable elements of Shorty is the shameless anti-Wellington propaganda it has been spouting for the past 20 or so years. This week it took the form of LOLs about the “best” football team in the country, the Wellington Phoenix. Who are the Phoenix? Well, Shorty is here to keep you up to speed with pop culture. They’re a football team from Wellington. That’s a city far, far away, where people from Ferndale shouldn’t go because they’ll never return… at least that’s what has happened to every other  resident who has shipped south to the capital.

But they didn’t just mention The Phoenix, they tipped the scales back in Wellington’s favour by having those studs show up to wish Pixie well for her surgery. Maaaaaate, you’re dreaming. Or maybe it was those brownies…

This week saw some serious advances in the, to quote Stan Walker, beast levels of Shorty’s lady folk. These power players are the ones worth talking about this week:

1. Pania

Whilst she didn’t quite manage to beat Harper in the shame game she did manage to drop the surgical department right in a steaming pile of something steaming. We don’t quite know what it is but it probably looks like and smells like Dr Boyd Rolleston. Pania manipulated her way onto a radio interview panel to discuss Mo’s complaint about surgical care for Pixie. Grouchy TK came along too, to bolster her side against Harper. But when Harper pulled out her secret weapon (a revised, glowing letter from Mo), Pania threw a curveball right back, and somehow flipped the interview into a cheerleading session for a Super ED. Well played, Pania, well played.

2. Smarmy Radio Reporter

Shorty has never liked the media, they’re always all up in hospital business causing trouble and exposing scandal. This week was no exception. That smarmy radio reporter seems to be mates with Pania – c’est dangereux – and she picked apart the no-surgery-for-Pixie situation the point where even a PM-style straw man approach to media confrontation couldn’t save Harper from certain media death. Just when all seemed lost, Smarmy Radio Reporter threw Harper a bone, kind of. She lead Harper to the trough of truths, putting words in her mouth about developing a Super ED. Smarmy Reporter wins again!

3. Dr Kylie Warner

Being the choice chick she is, Kylie spent some solid one-on-one time with Nicole, helping her to build up her confidence after some poor theatre nursing skills landed her in Victoria’s bad books. Her impersonations were at once terrible and spot on. “Yes, you know, we’ve bought this little place in Power-nui, just to get away from it all. And to store the boat of course. And the Harley. And the jetski.” Let’s be honest here: Chris is more of a Bay of Islands kinda guy. And he can probably pronounce Pauanui

4. Harper

She started out a bit shakey, coming off more ‘nervous teenage babysitter’ than Dr Quinn Medicine Woman – but lucky for her those touchy feely doctor lessons she had in med school persuaded Mo to confide in her about the dodgy letter sent to The Northerner. So when it came time to stick it to Pania in the media panel, she owned it. We’ll conveniently forget about the second half of that radio session.

5. Curtis’ Drug Dealer

Whilst cannabis is bad in the eye of the law, these special brownies Curtis and Kyle have been cooking up for Pixie to curb her nausea really seem to be doing the trick. And when they couldn’t afford a fresh baggie their dealer gave them the ‘offcuts’ – a dealer with a heart of gold. Only in Ferndale.

On the come up: Baby Bella, Pixie Hannah

Fast Facts:

Life Advice 1: Hash Brownies

Jack and Curtis taught us about making hash brownies. Not so much a life hack as great banter for a first year Otago Uni student trying to outrun their North Shore upbringing: Apparently the leftover bits the weed dealer can’t sell still do the trick for home baking!

Life Advice 2: “The law needs to catch up with the real world”

Curtis Hannah on why hash brownies should be above the law when it comes to pain medication for youth cancer patients.

Life Advice 3: DryPhone

When you drop your phone in water, whether it’s the toilet or your sink of dishes, immediately place it in an ‘80s tupperware container full of rice. Or maybe Nicole’s lesson to us here was if you want an iPhone 6 then pretend your brain injury made you drop your crummy 5 in the sink so that hold-out Vinnie will be sweet with you racking up some dollars on your Gem Visa.

Life Advice 4: “What would the Phoenix do?”

Believe in themselves and get a top result. Just believe in yourself Pixie!

Coming up on Shorty

This week is the return of the winter season which means ONE WHOLE HOUR every Monday. Here’s hoping Harry reappears to give Pixie some lifesaving Prince Charming pashes or advice or something. And fingers and toes crossed Bella will see sense and sort out that Jimmy situation. (RIP Luke, we wish you and Bella had the opportunity to raise some weird and wonderful taxidermist children).

Shortland Street screens on TV2, Weeknights at 7pm