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How to use your hatred of children to boost your business in just three easy steps

Looking for a bit of publicity for your small business? Just stir up anti-kid outrage and watch those dollars roll in, says The Spinoff’s marketing expert* Emily Writes.

I’m here to introduce you to the newest marketing techniques all the Boomers are going crazy for! Or as the millennial say: Avocado! I’ve been in marketing for a number of years, probably 200 or so, and I have seen this marketing tool work each time, every time. And best of all it’s free!

Got a business that is in a slump? People just aren’t that keen on your services anymore? Does the cafe across the road get more traffic?

I can help! All you need to do is follow my three step plan and you’ll be knee deep in sales. It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3. I’ve seen this tool work again and again and again. Our insatiable desire to blame children and women with children for every problem we face, combined with extreme gullibility on an absolutely ludicrous scale means this marketing strategy will work for your business no matter what your business is!

So let’s get to it.

Step one: Go to your Facebook page. Doesn’t matter if you only have three followers – soon you will have 3000. Nothing unites people more than their hatred of caregivers and children. It’s one of the joys of living in New Zealand. We hate kids in restaurants, in cafes, in malls, in shops, at the hairdresser (even when they’re getting a haircut – hey! Especially when they’re getting a haircut!). We hate kids and their caregivers on planes, and trains, and buses. We hate kids and caregivers in places that are meant to be welcoming to kids and caregivers – like libraries, museums, parks and cinemas. We hate kids and caregivers everywhere! It’s like a Dr Seuss poem! Which is ironic isn’t it.

Go to your Facebook page and type the following. Trust me. It always works. Sure, you might have a few people who try to say kids are human beings but they will be drowned out by a chorus of hatred toward “crotch nuggets”, “breeders”, “womb fruit” etc.

To our valued customers

Except those with kids. You only value their money, but let’s just say “customers” as if you’re inclusive of them.

We wish to advise that we will no longer be allowing children into our store/shop/salon/bar/sex shop.

The best thing is, kids don’t even need to come to your establishment for this to work. You can literally run a corner salmonella burger bar that nobody likes and you can still pull this. You can run a strip club and this campaign will still work – such is the power of hating children and their caregivers.

This was a hard decision to make.

Just cut and paste. Works every time.

But we feel we have no choice because of the actions of children in our shops.

This is the fun part – you can make up literally anything and people will believe it. Anything! The more outlandish the better. Here are some recommendations:

  • We have had a child crash into the front of our shop in a Ford Ute and drag the bloody carcass of a deer into the middle of our salon and then climb inside of it like a deranged six year old Bear Grylls and we knew enough was enough.
  • A mother forced a waitress to breast feed her own child and when she refused the mother sprayed breast milk into the eyes of all other customers before attaching a breast pump to her face Bain-style and declaring that everyone must look at photos of her baby crowning.
  • A vaginal prolapse walked into a bar and insisted on being served.
  • A group of 16 renegade children invaded a food court and set fire to a group of middle aged men while stabbing them repeatedly with chopsticks.
  • A seven year old told me her haircut was dated and she wanted another one.
  • I went and saw a Pixar movie and a child did a shit inside my popcorn and forced me to eat it.
  • I have had a child come into my shop and slowly blow up a pool which they then vomited into for six hours. When the pool was full of vomit, the child then insisted I climb into it and do laps while they read out all of my failures.

Absolutely anything works. Make it up. Everyone will believe it. This doesn’t need to be factual, I cannot emphasise that enough. If anyone questions it you can just say “so you think all children are perfect? You’ve never met a child who misbehaves?” This comment alone will get you many, many likes.

This is not targeted at all parents. We know there are good parents.

Not many. But you want to appeal to the parents who like to throw other parents under the bus in order to make themselves feel better about their parenting. You need to point out that a tiny, minute percentage of children are worthy of your establishment. This makes some parents think they mean their child. You don’t mean their child.

We will see some children. But we will have to charge more.

Can you smell that money? And you’ve got around discriminatory practices as well. Go you! You’re going to sleep like a baby tonight!


Related

Emily Writes: Don’t like kids? Then stop chasing the parenting dollar


Step two: Contact Stuff. Stuff loves this shit. You know how when it’s Easter and the shops are going to shut and everyone buys booze like it’s the Apocalypse? That’s Stuff with these stories. They eat them up like it’s a deep fried cheese roll. Include some quotes doubling down: “This was a last resort, I love children, but when a child came in holding the head of my father and insisting he represents the House of Stark I knew I had to do something.” Include things like “I’ve been in this business 980 years and it’s just parents these days – they sit on their phones will their children organise nuclear takeovers of small Pacific countries. It’s not OK. Someone has to take a stand.”

Step three: Enjoy the shit fight! Grab some popcorn and have fun! You’re making money while making people feel like they can’t even leave the house. What could be better? They’ll open comments and DAMN the comments will be good. Don’t think about how it feels being a parent of a high needs child reading them. Fuck those dicks aye! And don’t think about what it’s like being a parent trying to overcome your fear of going outside because people are so hostile to them. Money is what’s important and this is how you’re going to get that chingle chingle. Sure there will be collateral damage from those people who now feel they can’t go out at all, let alone to your business – but WORTH IT AMIRITE? They brought it on themselves. You needed publicity and a child annoyed you last week. It’s science. This had to happen.

And remember, if you’re a parent, you’re a good parent. Not like those other parents. If you’ve never had a child you know what you’d do if you did. And your child never caused a scene anywhere. Your child was always perfectly behaved. You always handled things. You always knew what to do. And you never had a day where you were so exhausted you cried in the shower. Not like these entitled parents these days.

It’s us and them. And let’s make sure we keep it that way.

Cha ching!

*Emily Writes is not a marketing expert

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