The Spinoff’s royal correspondents report live from the thick of the Megxit fallout.
The shock announcement by Prince Harry of Sussex Windsor Buckingham and Meghan Markle Sussex Windsor Buckingham Hull to step down from parades and waving from carriages has shocked the world.
We are providing 24-hour news coverage of this fascinating event from our royal correspondents who are positively frothing like rabid dogs with syphilis over this.
“The Queen has properly shit the bed”
Royal aides have broken ranks to accuse the couple of wanting to “have their cake and eat it” as if there’s any point having a fucking cake if you’re not going to eat it.
Sir English McLikesTea once saw the Queen when she drove past on her way to McDonald’s in 1998. Here he provides his expert opinion:
The Queen has properly shit the bed. The bed. It has been shat. Tallyho. Wot wot
Area man asks for compensation for saying “Megxit” first and not getting enough credit for it
Fedora420 said from his mother’s basement that he’s “gutted” that the only creative output he’s ever had in his life has now been picked up by all media and is no longer funny.
“I mean, I said it, didn’t I? And now nobody is saying I said it,” he said.
Sources tell us that actually living saint Nicole Cliffe was the first person to use the term Megxit and it’s highly usual for men on Twitter to claim the work of women without credit, so isn’t this ironic?
Rest in peace the Queen’s corgi
Sources have told us the Queen’s corgi had to be put down from shock.
Harry and Meghan spotted at prawn farm
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have been spotted at the big prawn farm in Taupō.
Sources say the newly independent royal couple were seen trying to hook a prawn at the Huka Prawn Park, New Zealand’s only prawn park.
Gary, who did not want his last name to be used, said that he saw the troublesome twosome cackling into the wind.
“I wasn’t sure whether it was them or not but then I saw Meghan Markle scream ‘fuck the colonisers’ and smash a can of Tui into her forehead. That’s when I knew it was her.”
Kate Middleton actually doesn’t care that this all happened on her birthday
“To be honest,” she told media*, “I honestly don’t give a fuck. I have 14 children and Willy’s bald patch is getting bigger by the day. I have to dress like an old lady in order to get any respect around here. What I want to do on my birthday is ditch the sprogs and dance on a table. But do you think that old corgi lover will let me do that?”
*She didn’t. Please don’t sue us.
The Queen isn’t actually upset, according to sources
“If I’m honest,” a palace guard revealed to media off-the-record, “she doesn’t seem very worried. I just watched her leap into her big pile of gold like Scrooge McDuck and she only does that when she’s in a good mood.”
Prince William is many synonyms for angry
Reports are coming in that Prince William is incandescent with rage. “He’s like a furious bunion,” one source said. “He’s a literal emoji of fire,” said another. He has also been described as: enraged, exasperated, furious, indignant, irate, irritated, offended, outraged and resentful. “Quite frankly he’s affronted, antagonised, incensed, infuriated and inflamed,” another said.
Royal insider Toffy Ladybottom agreed. “He’s chaffed.”
New job for Harry
Future plans for Harry have been revealed after a secret document was leaked. The goals of the unroyal royal were displayed as follows:
- Rent a flat above a shop
- Cut your hair and get a job
- Smoke some fags and play some pool
- Pretend you never went to school
- But still you’ll never get it right
- ‘Cause when you’re laid in bed at night
- Watching roaches climb the wall
- If you called your dad he could stop it all, yeah
Boris Johnson found wandering around saying “can you believe they voted me in as prime minister”
UK prime minister Boris Johnson was spotted wandering around Big Ben and other landmarks that are uniquely British questioning how he won the election. He’s not wrong, said many people in every other country in the world, but those same people couldn’t quite remember who the other guy was so it probably evens out.
A Givealittle page has been set up to help the royal couple
Brenda Mince from Sussex Street in Te Aro has set up a Givealittle for the royal couple. “I just like them because their name is Sussex and I live on Sussex Street,” she said.
Beatrice from Taihape is not fucking happy about this
In a terrifying expletive-ridden rant, Beatrice, 65, from Taihape, said she was not fucking happy about this. “She’s singlehandedly destroying my life. I’ve followed the royals since birth. I love Harry. You know, he had his tough times like when he dressed up as a Nazi, remember that? But you know, he got through it and then she came along. That she-devil, she should have known that as a royal we own her. Do you know how much money we’ve spent on her? My taxpayer money? 150 trillion dollars, that’s how much! And they built a house for her! And what about the baby! That’s a royal baby! We own it!”
Third journalist dies from hyperbole
British tabloid journalist and opinion writer Snarky Von Fuckface died today after writing the headline “MEGHEGEDDEN: Meghan declares war on the UK, end times upon us”.
He was found with one hand on his keyboard and one down his pants.
“He died doing what he loved – making racist attacks against young women online,” his editor said.
“What if we just didn’t pay attention to this?” someone asks
But that’s no fun is it.
Join The Spinoff Members for as little as $1 to help us continue our work and cover the stories that matter. Get a free Toby Morris-designed tea towel when you contribute $80 or more over a year.
The Spinoff Daily gets you all the days' best reading in one handy package, fresh to your inbox Monday-Friday at 5pm.