Image: Sherry Zhang

Sorry: the first 12 days of 2021 prove the apocalypse is coming

From aggressive squirrels to the return of SATC, the start of the year has presented clear evidence that the end is nigh, says Emily Writes.

Happy New Year! I think we’re all going to die! The first days of 2021 have shown that those who said “2021 will be better” in a fit of desperate despair were wrong. I would like to make the case that 2021 will be even worse than 2020.

So, let’s begin a countdown, much like the 12 Days of Christmas but instead of nice things like partridges in pear trees it’s terrifying horror that will send you into an anxiety spiral like never before. Call your therapist, let’s review the first two weeks of 2021!

January 1

A six-day protest at Waikeria prison began

And the Department of Corrections responded to this protest with starvation tactics and “sponge” bullets. Seems like a chill reaction to human beings protesting conditions so appalling a report by chief ombudsman Peter Boshier called them “unacceptable”. The report said: “Most tāne in the high security complex (HSC) were double-bunked in cells originally designed for one, and living conditions were poor.” He highlighted the lack of natural light, poor ventilation and small cell sizes, and said the imprisoned men, of whom 67% are Māori, are forced to eat next to uncovered toilets. And that was just inside, here’s what Boshier said about the outside areas: “The yards in the Separates Unit were dirty, with a significant amount of green mould and graffiti. This Unit, and conditions for tāne, were described as ‘deplorable’ in my predecessor’s report of 2016 and this remains the case.”

Some pissbaby smashed Te Kōwhatu o Hatupatu

Te Kōwhatu o Hatupatu (Hatu Patu’s Rock), a wāhi tapu site in Atiamuri, was violated and partly destroyed by some massive asshole.

Entitled shitnuggets smashed up a cafe on New Year’s Eve/Day

Around $10-15,000 worth of product was stolen by jerks who smashed up a local cafe while drunk. What a wonderful way to support local business, eh? Weirdly, despite the focus of much of the coverage of the Whangamatā disorder being on teens, a 54-year-old local man was charged with inciting disorderly behaviour.

A woman was mauled by an MMA squirrel

Let me just share this quote: “The reason for the squirrel – or squirrels’ – aggressive behaviour is not clear. Small rodents like squirrels rarely test positive for rabies and are not known to have transmitted it to humans, according to the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention.”

January 2

Two words: Bean Dad

A dad made his hungry daughter spend hours struggling with a can opener so he could teach her a lesson. It turned into A Thing.

January 3

Your peen is mine

A hacker took control of a dude’s Bluetooth-connected chastity cock cage and demanded a bitcoin ransom to unlock it.

January 4

Covid-19 just kept ruining everything

Worldwide confirmed cases passed 85 million. The United Kingdom locked down for the third time due to the spread of a more transmissible variant strain.

January 5

Covid-19 again

In the first week of January, one American died from Covid-19 every 33 seconds.

January 6

There was an attempted coup in the United States

Remember that? Yeah. The red carpet was rolled out for white supremacists who suddenly forgot Blue Lives Matter (almost like Blue Lives Matter is a hollow phrase designed to say Black Lives Don’t Matter). The Old Orange Nazi posted a video on his Twitter account saying his rioting buddies who killed a cop and each other were “great patriots”. He then told them to “go home in peace”, which was very important because the off-duty cops there needed to change out of their MAGA tops and into their blues. He also said he loved them. But almost definitely said “no homo” straight after.

January 7

Hong Kong police arrested activists

Hong Kong police arrested more than 50 pro-democracy activists under their new national security law. It is apparently the biggest crackdown since China imposed the “draconian” security law last year.

Greyhound Racing NZ didn’t include the true number of dogs that were killed last year in their annual report

A total of 214 greyhounds were euthanised last season, according to Greyhound Racing New Zealand’s 2020 annual report, but there were almost 50 further sudden deaths. Time to ban it.

January 8

Yeah it’s Covid-19 again

A new study found more than three-quarters of Covid-19 patients who were sent to hospital experienced at least one symptom of the virus six months after first falling ill.

Some jerk made us all think about Kanye West having sex with Jeffree Star

Please, this is not OK.

Elon Musk became the richest man in the world

When we say “eat the rich” we specifically mean Elon Musk. For some unknown fucking reason, Tesla’s shares rose more than 20% in one week. That pushed Elon Musk‘s personal (yes, PERSONAL) net worth to $195 billion, $10 billion more than evil butt plug Jeff Bezos.

January 9

Sriwijaya Air Flight 182 disappeared from radar four minutes after departure. There were 62 people on board.

A manatee – AKA a sea cow – was found with “Trump” carved into its back. I mean, at this point do we deserve to live?

January 10

Grimes got Covid-19

That’s not the bad thing. Of course, like the absolute class traitor she is, she says she’s enjoying it. It was that we had to be reminded she existed and that the following words actually came out of her mouth about her five-month-old son: “”I’ve watched Apocalypse Now and stuff with my baby. He’s into radical art.”

Ham sammies snatched

Customs officers are confiscating ham sandwiches from drivers arriving by ferry from the UK under post-Brexit rules banning personal imports of meat and dairy products into the EU.

January 11

Covid-19 again

Cases passed 90 million worldwide.

They announced Sex and the City is coming back

As if we haven’t suffered enough.

Armie Hammer might be a sex cannibal

Why can’t straight men sext properly?

Two gorillas at the San Diego Zoo have tested positive for Covid-19

Did someone fucking cough in the face of two caged gorillas? What on Earth did the gorillas ever do to deserve that? Was it some anti-masker shit heel? Ironic, given they worship Harambe.

January 12

The Pope said women can’t be priests

And everyone praised him for saying they could stand on the altar? Ummm, thanks for the crumb old man.

Just North Korea things…

Apparently, Kim Jong-un celebrated his birthday “with a long wish-list of new weapons”. Cool. Cool. Cool.

Justin Bieber Flexes Abs, Shoots Basketball To Hawk Chair On ‘Shark Tank’

That’s it. That’s the story. It gets a mention here because it’s literally one of the most popular stories on Huff Post despite the fact that Trump might be impeached today.

Lana Del Rey kept being Lana Del Rey

“My best friends are rappers my boyfriends have been rappers [sic]. My dearest friends have been from all over the place,” she wrote. 

A mystery illness is killing penguins

The South Island’s hoiho population is already under threat. And now they’re dying from a respiratory virus and MPI doesn’t know why.

*

But wait, it’s not all bad. It may definitely feel like it. But here are some of the positive things that happened:

White supremacists and conservatives lost their digital wank bank Parler after Amazon chose to remove the site from its web hosting services. Trump got banned from Twitter (after they allowed him to use the platform to incite racial hatred for four years but apparently, we should ignore that). But Twitter shares dropped by a lot, which is great.

The guy with a beaver on his head from the insurrection failure at the Capitol has been arrested and his mum says he hasn’t eaten since Friday because the detention facility won’t feed him all organic food.

Joe Biden revealed the theme for his inauguration and it’s “Pink and Gold”. About $278 billion was wiped off the cryptocurrency market and I find this funny because capitalism is a plague.

Auckland teen Jawsh 685 hit No 1 on the UK singles chart.

And in my opinion the best story of 2021 – people called for the arrest of “Via Getty” after this Getty image went viral.

So it’s not all bad. But it’s mostly bad. Sorry.

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