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SocietyJune 12, 2017

The Spinoff Reviews New Zealand #29: This hat I bought at the Pakuranga night market


We review the entire country and culture of New Zealand, one thing at a time. Today: José Barbosa reflects on an essential item of his wardrobe.

First, let’s get something straight: this hat is fucking dope.

It has dope embroidered on the front in mint-as gold thread. The ‘O’ of the dope is extra wide and intersects the prow of the ‘D’ as if to say ‘bro, you best stand back and let me spread myself or shit is going to get nasty’. The ‘P’ has heeded the ‘O’ and all up in ‘E’s’ shit, but he can’t help it. ‘O’ is making himself at home, if you know what I’m saying.

Inside the hat are no less than 30 ‘dope’s lining the crown of the head. It’s like the Sistine Chapel in there, but way more dope.

The bill is pretty goddamn lit, man. It’s like snakeskin, but in yellow and red. Like my bae Iron Man (Best Iron man movies in order of greatness: Iron Man 1, Iron Man 3 and Iron Man 2).

Yeah, this hat is dope. And the dopest thing about it is when I wear it to get some cheeseballs from the dairy, people hold up short when they see. They’re all ‘whoa, they said he was dope, but I didn’t believe them.’ Or ‘call the local media, things are about to get dope up in here.’

When I go to sleep I keep the hat on. My girlfriend was maybe a bit questioning of that, but after a while she stopped mentioning it. She saw how dope it was. And now she spends more time at her parents’ place anyway, so it’s all good.

I can’t even remember what my life was before I bought this hat at the Pakuranga night market. It was less dope, that’s for sure.

José Barbosa

Verdict: At the risk of repeating myself: it’s dope.

Good or bad: Pffft. See above, fool.

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