From the day the pregnancy was announced, Jacinda Ardern and Clarke Gayford have been showered in advice, and that will only continue now the wee thing has emerged as a discrete human being. In typical adultocentric style, however, the advice has been about, rather than by or for baby. To remedy that, we invited the most popular member of the Gone By Lunchtime politics podcast team and the Spinoff’s chief infant correspondent to sit down and type out some words of advice, baby to baby, about the task ahead

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Annabelle Lee attempts to interpret the commentary above …

Dear First Pēpē

Nau mai ki te ao kikokiko nei.

A few thoughts to share with you.

Although I really enjoyed my secondment as a special adviser to the Minister for Children, I have to share with you that a lot of the parliamentary types you’ll be spending time with are boring AF. Seriously, a lot of them would go to the opening of a letter if invited. Unfortunately, you’ll be expected to chaperone your parents at a number of mundane events.

Just remember when when it all becomes too much to bear, you can always scream or poo. Use these powers diligently to make a scene and DPS will whisk you out of there in no time.

P.S. I’ve met your mum before and while it was in a professional capacity she seems very nice. She also has a lot of Juliet Hogan frocks which are wonderful for puking on. Mums love it when you puke on them. So do dads. Kia kaha rā!