The last three dates I went on, none of the girls offered to go halves with me. How do I make it clear I expect things to be even?
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Dear Hera,
I’m sick of the expectation that the man always pays for the date. The last three dates I’ve been on, none of the girls even offered to go halves with me. I know some people say that the person who asks for the date should do the paying, but in reality, that just means the man always ends up forking out.
I have a good job so it’s not like I can’t afford it, but I feel like it’s unfair and sets a bad precedent going forward. How do I make it clear I expect things to be even?
Regards,
Keen To Go Dutch
Dear Dutch,
“Men always pay” is one of those insidious and harmful stereotypes that see so many lesbians banned from fine-dining establishments.
First up, congratulations on getting so many dates. Truly a remarkable feat in this day and age. You’re right to say dating is unfair. It’s right up there with professional sports and dental genetics. But it’s much fairer than it would be if we tried to make it fair. How do you enforce equitable dating opportunities? Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
The correct solution is to address this problem by putting “NO FREELOADERS” in capital letters in your online dating biography. If, after that, you still manage to bag a date, you can further reinforce the message by spending the date muttering things like “you’ll never get your hands on all my gold” and curling your hand around your meal to make sure she doesn’t take any of your fully loaded nachos. You know, the ones with the meat and cheese and everything. The ones that are fully loaded.
Listen. I’m no dating expert. I’ve been with my partner for almost a decade, and the world has changed a lot since I was last single. At the risk of sounding like, “In my day, a bottle of milk cost half a farthing,” in my day, a bottle of milk cost half a farthing. Unless you’re really hoping to sweep someone off their feet, I don’t think a first date should cost more than $10. Taking every date out for a full steak dinner is a relic of the Don Draper timeline, where women were vetting men for their financial competency. Taking someone out for a coffee or ice-cream or a beer by a duck pond is a perfectly acceptable and financially low-stakes first date, and I would argue, a more enjoyable one.
I definitely don’t think that men should always pay for dates. I think when it comes to first dates specifically, the person doing the inviting should offer to pay, which means they also get the opportunity to set the budget. If that means that, statistically, men end up paying more often, that’s too bad. But let’s be real. If having to pay to take a woman out for coffee is top of your list of gender equity complaints, you’re doing fine.
Personally, I would always offer to split. But if it’s the principle that offends you more than the $5, you might be thinking about this the wrong way.
Dates aren’t a hostile negotiation with an opposing force. If you’re going into these dates with a combative mindset, thinking women are somehow getting one over on you by agreeing to spend time with you romantically, for the cost of a beverage, I think it’s time to take a breather from the apps. Bringing that energy on a first date is only going to set off alarm bells.
Ultimately you can do whatever you like. You’re welcome to insist on splitting the bill. What you can’t control is what that might reveal about you. Offering to pay for a first date you’ve invited someone on is a basic, low-stakes courtesy, like leaving a gift for your milkman at Christmas or bringing a loaf of bread to a dinner party. If you like each other enough to arrange follow-up dates, then you can have a conversation about splitting. If your date is offended by this and expects you to pay for everything going forward, then you’ve learned something valuable about the kind of relationship she wants, and you’re welcome to walk away.
I don’t mean to sound harsh. I have sympathy for men trying to find love. I know there’s a lot of rejection which can be demoralising. But if your ultimate goal is to meet someone you’re interested in pursuing a romantic connection with, you should remember the point of a first date is to put your best foot forward and showcase your positive attributes, which ideally include generosity and politeness.
It might help you to think of buying someone a coffee as an inexpensive form of flirting, just like pulling out a chair or opening a car door. It’s not a metaphor for the rest of your relationship. It’s a cheap way to make a good impression.
If the principle of fairness is ultimately more important to you, that’s fine. There might even be some Dutch women who love your bold and fiscally conservative approach. But if you think dating isn’t fair, wait until you hear about relationships. Even if you try your very best to create an equitable division of labour and financial investment, reality always gets in the way. I’m not saying anyone should accept the conditions of their relationship without protest or negotiation. But if you’re hoping to build a life with someone, nothing is ever going to be completely fair. There are all kinds of unexpected events and hardships that happen over the course of a long relationship, and the best you can hope for is that you have each other’s backs.
My advice is to lower your budget and your defences. There’s plenty of time to build an equitable relationship on your own terms, whatever equitable means to you. But don’t skimp on small acts of generosity! When it comes to love, a little solicitude goes a long way.