The Spinoff’s royals correspondent Alex Braae has been camped outside a London hospital for the past three weeks, waiting eagerly for the name of the new royal baby. In the meantime, these are his predictions.
Another royal baby has been born, another barrier has been placed in the way of Prince Harry one day becoming King of the Lads.
But what is the name by which we might one day call our potential future overlord? Apart from, of course, Your Royal Highness, which subjects of the Queen are required to call the royal baby. Who is about 12 hours old.
The baby is a boy, so we can rule out Beyonce. Apart from that, here are our official odds for the baby’s name. Please place your bets by sending money to charities that work with beneficiary families, who like the royals receive an income from the state.
$1.50 – Albert
A very popular choice among bookmakers, as it’s a good and relatively recent royal name. Prince Albert was the husband of the legendary Queen Victoria, who reigned for a ludicrously long period, and inspired some of Dame Judi Dench’s greatest screen performances. Alfred himself was portrayed exceedingly dashingly by Rupert Friend in The Young Victoria too, and what is modern royalty if not celebrity?
On the other hand, calling your kid Prince Albert. Yikes. Urban Dictionary it.
$2.00 – Some boring old Anglo-Saxon rubbish like Henry or James
Look, William and Catherine have named their kids George and Charlotte. The baby’s grandfather is called Charles, and his uncle is Harry. I mean, there’s a bit of a pattern here. They’re unlikely to push the boat out too far, though the fact that this baby is exceedingly unlikely to ever be king means they can take a risk. But because the monarchy is fundamentally a conservative institution, they won’t.
$3.00 – Harry
Given this kid is thwarting the already existing Harry’s chances of being king, it would be a nice tribute. And also a subtle jab in the long running rivalry that all sets of royal brothers have had since the Middle Ages.
$8.00 – Mohammed
By various measurements, this is the fastest growing name in Britain (and by other measurements, it really really weirdly doesn’t get mentioned at all on this list of ‘popular British boys names’) so it would be good to see the Royal Family offer a nod to the changing demographics of Britain with the name of this baby. On the other hand, given the monarch still can’t even be Catholic, it seems a bit unlikely that the Royal Family would associate their baby with Islam.
$12.00 – Harvey
With the impending nuptials of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, naming the new baby after ruthless law shark Harvey Specter from her TV show Suits would be a really nice way to welcome her to the family.
$17.00 – Edward
Another boring sounding Anglo-Saxon name, but this one at least carries the hint of drama and scandal. Edward was the King in the 30s, but abdicated after marrying an American – does this sound familiar at all??? Also, possibly controversial because he was in all likelihood a Nazi sympathiser. But then again, Prince Harry dressed up as a Nazi and it doesn’t seem to have done his career of hereditary privilege any harm.
$35.00 – Æthelwulf
Much is made of the Anglo side of the Anglo-Saxon royal family, ‘Anglo’ of course being a synonym for ‘English’ now. But what if this royal baby looked to another group of immigrants who made Britain what it is today – the Saxons? Æthelwulf would be a good name to do that, harking back to the rule of one of the most successful Kings of Wessex, territory that now forms the heart of Southern England. It’s a little hard to spell though – like, what the hell is a Æ anyway?
$85.00 – Jackson
The most popular boys name in the USA for 2017, and if the increasingly internationalised British Royal Family can stand to have a vulgar American join it, then surely they can throw their former colony a bone here.
$150.00 – Cnut
To name a royal baby after Cnut the Great, who ruled Britain as part of the North Sea Empire between 1016 and 1035, would be a fitting tribute to one of the wisest monarchs in British history. The famous story of him proving to his fawning courtiers that he could not hold back the tide shows his humility, and an innate understanding that the power of kings is limited. Truly, he was a monarch ahead of his time.
Unfortunately, with Brexit inspired anti-European sentiment currently sweeping Britain, the chances of the Royal Family naming their baby anything remotely continental is very slim.
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The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed daily digest of New Zealand’s most important stories, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.