One Question Quiz
Coltrane, who loves water at daycare but not at home (Image: Pets in the City)
Coltrane, who loves water at daycare but not at home (Image: Pets in the City)

SocietyMarch 30, 2024

Dog of the month: Coltrane, who gave an Oscar-worthy performance as a placid puppy

Coltrane, who loves water at daycare but not at home (Image: Pets in the City)
Coltrane, who loves water at daycare but not at home (Image: Pets in the City)

Rescue pup Coltrane is our latest Dog of the Month. This feature was offered as a reward during our What’s Eating Aotearoa PledgeMe campaign. Thank you to Coltrane’s human, Troy, for his support.

Dog name: Coltrane

Age: 2

Breed: Labrador x InSinkerator

If rescued, where from? 

Like his (human) dad, Coltrane’s whakapapa lies north. The runt of a dozen-strong litter, Coltrane was born to a māmā rescued by the Bay of Islands Animal Rescue, and adopted from the very good, TV-famous Country Retreat Animal Sanctuary near Pūhoi. He was chosen because he was a black dog, and people sometimes don’t adopt them for superficial and superstitious reasons, and because he was placid and/or asleep every single time we visited. This was an Oscar-worthy performance and a great deception.

If dog of the month had not been a reward in our PledgeMe campaign, give us the pitch on why Coltrane would be dog of the month anyway

Let’s be honest. Everyone believes their dog, cat, axolotl, or baby is the greatest example and ambassador of their kind. Therefore, the fact that Coltrane is our dog is enough to qualify him for the honour.

We have another dog, Albus, who is no less deserving based on the same criteria. However, if you had to pick which one would be a better time at the gala dinner recognising The Spinoff Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Being a Dog, you’d select Coltrane because he has a genuine and often overpowering love of anything with a pulse.

Albus, on the other hand, probably dislikes you unless you’re in our immediate family or working at his daycare, and he would want you to know about it. He is categorically not a good time at the party.

The photo Coltrane would use for a social media or Tinder profile photo

A young Coltrane took ownership of this with a bit of help from his family, with whom he has lived his whole life. Form a queue.

First home buyer, Coltrane

The photo Coltrane would ask to be taken down if you shared it on social media 

Coltrane, sat on by Albus

What is Coltrane’s idea of happiness? (stolen from Proust questionnaire)

There is only one thing Coltrane loves more than living beings with a pulse, and that’s dead stuff he can eat. Coltrane is the most food-motivated life form on the planet, and the two seconds between his food bowl touching the floor and it being emptied of its contents are the high points of his morning and evening.

Coltrane is most content when his whānau is home and showing no signs at all of leaving the house, which may be in his conditioning, given we adopted him during one of the lockdown eras. Coltrane loves all visitors but has yet to find a balance between demonstrating his own happiness at their arrival and understanding personal space.

A photo of Coltrane in his happy place 

Better yet, a video.

If Coltrane could talk, what famous voice would he sound like?

Coltrane’s voice has undergone a transformation over time. It began in Eric Cartman’s high-and-scratchy era, Trey Parker in full indignant glory, before settling somewhere between a calmer Cartman and Stewie Griffin when his sole character motivation was violence and destruction.

Would you say Coltrane was charisma or glamour? (stolen from Dichotomies)

Charisma. Coltrane is a naturally handsome dog, but he needs no bat wings or bells to charm an audience.

Thunder or lightning? (also stolen from Dichotomies)

Lightning. Coltrane is terrified of fireworks – the thunder of this argument – and wholeheartedly supports banning them without reservation.

If you’ve ever dressed Coltrane for Halloween, Christmas or any seasonal occasion, please tell us why you chose the costume you did

When Coltrane was a puppy, we sent him to the daycare Halloween party as the vampire bat to Albus’s Dracula. Coltrane, being jet black with massive fangs, seemed like a natural fit for the character. The wings, designed for a cat, were also the easiest thing to adapt at the last minute.

Coltrane the bat and Count Dracula (Albus)

What is Coltrane’s best quality?

Undying loyalty to his closest family. He will go where you go and look for the cutest and most endearing way of snuggling up to you.

What is Coltrane’s worst quality?

Undying loyalty to his closest family. He will go where you go and leave you no space for safety. This is especially challenging when it involves beds, kitchens, hallways, and small rooms with porcelain seats.

He has fortunately outgrown his other worst quality: a penchant for eating wood, including the frame of our couch, which he discovered after eating through four layers of fabric, feathers and padding. 

The worst dogs in the world

What food would Coltrane want to see ranked by The Spinoff?

Meals made for people that should instead be eaten by Coltrane, followed by varieties of raw meat cubes, followed by supermarket brand peanut butter, followed by craft peanut butter. Coltrane, if asked, would enthusiastically propose the entire resource of What’s Eating Aotearoa? be directed to this kaupapa.

Does Coltrane have a job?

Coltrane answered a casting call recently, and we’re waiting for the job offers to flood in. None have so far. Apparently, he’s great for video. He would be following in the footsteps of Albus, who did a little bit of catalogue modelling and video work before he found his true self on the third job and realised he didn’t like strangers. Or work.

Does your dog have friends? Please provide photographic or video evidence if so.

Top left: Coltrane and Pluto, bottom left: Thor and Coltrane, right: Albus Peter and Coltrane

Coltrane’s daycare report card says his friends include Pluto, Maui, Daxter, and Buster. We know Pluto but are less familiar with the other members of the Disney PlayStation Multiverse. Coltrane is also very fond of his new farm friend Thor, who is assumed to be from a different continuity of the multiverse. His best friend is Albus, but Albus will deny it.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to our What’s Eating Aotearoa PledgeMe campaign. What’s Eating Aotearoa is a reader-funded editorial project from The Spinoff focused on food and how it shapes this country.

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