In a surprise twist that left contestants stunned, Stu and Amy returned to The Block NZ this week. But are they here to stay, and if not, who should replace them? Tara Ward has some ideas.
The ground shifted, panelling fell off the walls, and mustard throws everywhere self-combusted in shock when 2018 champions Stu and Amy returned to compete in The Block NZ on Monday night.
It was a fantastic surprise from The Block NZ, who usually think shaking the game up involves having both pink and blue portaloos on site. Stu and Amy are the new Team Black, tasked with renovating the bathroom in the never-before-mentioned Apartment 5. If the experienced Stu and Amy win, they’ll rob the other teams of the $7,000 prize money. If they lose, they’ll be thrown down a plywood laundry chute and never heard from again. Seems harsh, but I don’t make the rules.
I wish I did, because Stu and Amy’s return makes The Block NZ worth watching. Sure, they love to stir the pot, but Amy’s an incredibly talented designer and they can project manage in their sleep. While other teams scramble to negotiate extra time and prepare for another bitchy Block Collective meeting, it seems likely that Stu and Amy will produce a fabulous bathroom, pocket the cash and cruise back to Gizzy, laughing about the time they showed the kids how to do some hard work.
Nobody seems to know if Amy and Stu are here for the week or for the whole season. I really wish they were staying, but I need to turn my feelings into a neon sign and screw it above my headboard. The word on the street (my own street, aka my own house, aka my own conversations in my own tiny brain) is that Team 5 could be a rotating extravaganza of previous Block NZ contestants, who will tile and paint their way back into our hearts before disappearing from our lives quicker than Agni climbing over a high fence.
But who could these extra contestants be? And why should we just limit ourselves to the ghosts of Block seasons past? Here’s some highly probable, bet your entire firehouse on it, suggestions for who else could turn up as Team 5.
Aunt Lydia and June from The Handmaid’s Tale
May the Lord open some nice linen curtains, or may we all die by the (feature) wall. After surviving the smouldering cesspit of Gilead, The Block NZ would be a breeze for June and Aunt Lydia. They’re experts at making something our of nothing, they know more about light and shade than Mark Richardson ever will, and I bet Aunt Lydia can wallpaper the shit out of anything. Prepare your best steely straight-to-camera gaze June, this could be quite the ride.
The Dancing with the Stars NZ judges
Just so we’ll be blessed with the glorious sight of Julz Tocker jumping on a bunk bed screaming “BLOODY NORAH IT’S A 10, BABY!”
The Chasers from The Chase
This would probably be a nightmare, but I’d watch the crap out of it. Five geniuses with their ginormous brains, all trying to paint a walk-in wardrobe at the same time? It’ll end in Bradley Walsh’s tears, but I bet that a) one glare from The Governess would make The Wolf wail into his grilled Subway panini, b) The Vixen would give a killer Dinner Wars quiz night or c) The Beast adores a good mustard throw and fake plant combo. No wrong answers here, friends.
Jacinda Ardern and Simon Bridges
Look, it’s only a week out of their schedule, and the Auckland housing market will thank them for it, or something.
Francis and Kaiora Tipene from The Casketeers
Folks, we have a winner. Attention to detail? Amazing. Ability to follow the brief? Incredible. Style, grace and composure? Bloody impeccable. They also do amazing things with satin and ply, so 10s all round, thank you and goodnight.
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