Alex Casey delivers her fourth power rankings for The Bachelorette NZ, where the red flags are raised and lads are crazed. Click here for previous instalments.
In the words of Tavita, I simply did not expect everyone to open up so hectically this week. We had men weeping, we had twists and turns, we had friends backstabbing, we had belching and, of course, farting. Even still, the most explosive moment of the show came at the very end of tonight’s episode, when Art Green announced that the whole group had made it to the overseas leg of the competition.
I think Magic Marc summed it up best when he said “I get to go away with a group of guys who I LOVE!!!!!! … and a woman who I like.” The bonds that these men have formed sticks out like an elvish scroll on a fake-tanned forearm, rivalled only by Lily and Lesina’s unbreakable girl code of gossip and mole-allyship. The dates basically seem like an aside at this point, and I gotta say I don’t entirely mind it.
But we must remember, this is actually a dating show. So at the end of week two – who is here for who? And what the hell has Glenn gone and done now? Let’s walk into the forest of love and find out.
ELIMINATED: THE MOLE
The mole was finally removed from the mansion this week, but not before he confidently said the word “braggadocious” in a sentence and served several more Nuanced Mole Looks. You will be missed, mole, although next week you are back wearing a waistcoat and glasses so maybe we won’t get the chance to miss you at all. And that, friends, is braggadocious Mole energy.
ELIMINATED: THE DOMINATOR
Poor Dom realised he actually needed to talk to Lesina if he wanted any chance at staying in the competition. “It’s necessary at this point,” he despaired, choosing to unleash his altar ego called ‘The Dominator’ to win Lesina over. I don’t know which of these below iterations was supposed to be The Dominator, but one thing is clear – you can’t spell “mood” without “Dom”
LOL @ STILL HEDGING YOUR BETS
3) Mr Wedge
Where in the world is Mr Wedge? He was pretty quiet these past two nights, emerging only to join this iconic trio in premiering their original acoustic track ‘On the Red Carpet’.
Look, I don’t care that Conor is still 50/50 on which woman he is interested in. All I care about is that he PURCHASED a KNOCK-OFF SEXY ALICE IN WONDERLAND COSTUME as a part of his ROMANTIC DATE with Lesina and NOBODY MENTIONED IT and now I will DIE WONDERING WHAT HE HAD PLANNED FOR IT.
Even though he absolutely borked his one-on-one time with Lesina, you gotta give it up for Liam for throwing the birthday party of the year, complete with complimentary Kentucky Fried Chicken and an emotional lads gratitude circle. Men 👏 talking 👏 about 👏 feelings.
Also this was an amazingly confusing turd-based neg on The Mole.
He called himself Glenn Diesel this week, which is kind of fitting because this guy is absolutely RIDDICK. Here’s my impression of Glenn trying to get Lily’s attention. Close your eyes and imagine a stripy pair of pants for the full 4D experience:
Glenn summoning Lily like The Candyman didn’t work out super well for him, even if he did declare proudly that he’s “actually got a really deep personality”. He later moved onto Lesina, taking her by both hands in a repeat of his opening red carpet move.
I’m just going to leave this excerpt here from a PUA training website: “Take her hands. Squeeze them lightly – if she squeezes back, she passes. Then lower your hands – if she lowers hers, she passes.”
Bought a toy skateboard but otherwise file not found?????
Genius George won time with Lily this week by crafting her an intriguing date complete with a bit of brie, a pottle of hummus and a MAGICAL MYSTERY BOX OF MYSTERY. It was a money or the bag situation, and Lily couldn’t help but choose him to find out what was inside. And the reveal was… not great lol.
Extremely funny to make a Mexican-themed date complete with traditional Mexican tinsel and a traditional Mexican candle that says M on it for Mexico. Wait. Mexico… or… Mole? Makes you think.
A quiet past two days apart from a raucous fart and a chat about how his mum thought he would be eliminated first, but I think Jesse is still here long haul. Look how stoked he is to go Argentina!
This is the New Zealand man equivalent of “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day” btw
It was a huge week for Quinn after scoring some one-on-one time with Lily and then a dirt-biking single date the next day. Both growing up on a farm meant they felt right at home snuggling up in a dirty wool shed, before sharing their worst injuries. Tell you what, nothing sets the mood like the phrase “hardened blood clot” and the pair were getting it on in no time.
“Quinn is a man of many talents,” said Lily, “and his tongue is one of them.”
I’m not usually one to make blanket statements, but look at Kurt’s statement blanket.
Despite wearing his finest Warriors Town Shirt, Kurt was sadly late back to the mansion for the group date challenge. I guess we will never know what he was planning to do with what can only be described as a basket of shells.
Tavita had a shambles of a time after lying to Lesina about betting Marc to kiss her, but is slightly redeemed due to these frankly incredible turns of phrase:
Marc came out of dare-gate relatively unscathed, but I don’t love the way he flexed about the kiss for 90,000 years in front of the boys, telling them “I taught her everything she knows” before probably ironing Conor’s Alice in Wonderland costume in classic alpha dog style.
Also this bro handshake ACROSS LESINA was the craziest thing I have ever seen.
Lovely Logan built Lesina a love nest, talked about love languages, and made her a lovely toasted sammie. But how much love is too much love? In this essay I will…
Finally small town Steve got his time in the spotlight, with Lesina taking on a one-on-one date to do romantic knife throwing and romantic shooting a thing. They both impressed each other with their specific set of murdering skills, and had good deep chats about life and prior relationships and how he reminds her of both her dad AND her ex which I’m sure is Absolutely Fine And Normal.
First of all, why is Aaron dressed like Beetlejuice dressing as the lead singer of The Veils?
Second of all, this week he revealed more potential red flags than an EB games sale.
After admitting that he has been “a prick” to women in the past and “lost a lot of friends” over his behaviour, Aaron said he was committed to changing his ways. It was enough to get him a big smackeroo from Lesina, so maybe this Beetlejuice can change his stripes after all.
Tim the Knife Man
Tell me everything about this murderous man from ye olden times.
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