Alex Casey assembles her contestant power rankings for week five, including ponytail nightmares, cow pyramid schemes and a tonne of spaghetti.
It’s our last week in Hawaii and things are continuing to unravel. Jordan’s nearly worn out the bum of his floral boardies and is constantly dicing with death via these dramatic runs on the beach ft. life-threatening surfboard cord. I know you’re a bloody cowboy by trade mate, but lasoo-ing your own feet is just showing off:
This week we lost Shari – the jester of The Bachelor court, the Bill Murray denier, the girl with the voices in her head. All of our shakas will burn a little less bright going forward, brah. I’m just glad she got to go full Von Trapp with Fleur before she left:
With the Paraparaumu comedy genius leaving the building, I am left with the enthusiasm of this seemingly dead lizard in a drain (as featured in a random cutaway shot):
What else has happened? A famished, lonely and delusional Mike tried to shimmy amongst a Bachelorette luncheon:
And then found himself in the most awkward three-way since, well…
And what of the rest?
Rebecca picked up the anecdote gauntlet this week and ran wild with it. She’s never had a coffee before, gasp! She used to run marathons, gasp! During uni she bought cows at auction, raised them and resold them to pay her fees – wtf?
Whatever kind of coffee-free Jack and the Beanstalk cow-trading life she is living, I know a certain Jordy Pordy pudding and pie who would fit right in to that fairytale.
Everyone’s favourite emo went full black parade this week, weeping over Jordan Mauger in the same manner that I did when Pete Wentz looked at me once in 2007. It didn’t help one iota that Fleur ate a banana across the room from her, despite knowing her chronic phobia of the scary yellow fruit.
Erin got a big old pat on the back this week (and a weird bit of necking) from Jordan for knowing about low budget festival franchise Lord of the Rings and icons of the underground Spiderman, Batman and Superman. Just wait till she introduces Jordan to her favourite indie zine Harry Potter.
Fleur chowed down on a big ol’ pile of spaghetti at The Bachelor dinner table this week, and made her hyena family proud by locking down a rare cocktail party kiss. She ain’t going nowhere, she’s probably got SO many more body modifications to show Jordan.
Read the rest of The Spinoff’s definitely excessive Bachelor NZ coverage here
Kate saved the world’s grimmest luau this week by talking non-stop, doing funny dancing, and laying down sick gags in the grotto. Jordan was seemingly farting the whole time, and/or sitting near a jet. Someone call Poppy because there’s a damn challenger in town.
I fear that Kate is more of a legendary mate – she’s clearly the most fun person to have around in this terrible, awkward Big Love situation. Perhaps her forever love is already right under her very nose, perhaps it’s somebody she’s already… leaned on?
Ceri fluctuated this week between:
a) pleading that Jordan affirm her place in the house three times in the mirror like Bloody Mary and
b) telling Jordan she had nothing left to say to him
She definitely didn’t let Naz’s subtle rose placement get to her though…
For someone who is terrified of the water, Naz was all about those Pearl Harbour and Titanic references this week. “You’re trying to make me into a water girl!” she giggled, as Jordan quietly made a note on the script for his own Lady in the Water reboot.
And lest we forget this touching beach date brought to you by the Blair Witch:
When Sarah was a child, a monkey at the zoo ripped out her ponytail and ate it. Oh, and she still has that ribbon keeping her head tied on – is it possible that the monkey did more damage than we thought?
She is the undisputed pasta queen of Hawaii, and also the rosé expert of The Americas, but Gabs was weirdly nasty about Naz’ name this week and had way too many shades of Regina George for my liking. Her name’s Nazanin dammit!
Alicia’s goodbye was pretty much the dream goodbye
And this guy is bringing back zinc in a big way:
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