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Shortland Street Power Rankings – Ferndale defends itself against a deadly confetti bomb

Tara Ward brings you her Shortland Street Power Rankings for last week, including a Fentidge frenzy, Kate’s toast-on-toast banquet and Bella’s medical breakthrough.

1)  Spurious George makes like a tree and leaves

News just in: George has left the building. Take one last look at his miserable mug. Breathe one last lungful of his putrid air filled with lies, deceit and Lynx body spray. Don’t be sad. REJOICE.

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Too gutless to tell the truth and too miserable to ease his conscience, George took the first flight out of Ferndale, destination anywhere. He skulked away during the night like a drunken slug, heading towards an imaginary land where he’ll atone for his sins by spreading the word of the man-bun.

See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

2) Bella finds the cure for cancer

Hold on one bunsen-burning minute: If Bella worked out a Fentidge surgical implant reduced the size of Cushla Patterson’s tumour, did she just discover a possible cure for cancer? Boyd’s not 100% sure, but maybe Bella could think on it while she irons his shirts and cuts his sandwiches up into teeny tiny triangles. What a team – they’re practically the Curies.

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3) Finn thanks you very much for your kind donation

So much tinsel, so little joy. Finn was the victim of the silliest prank in the history of silly pranks: a tinsel mail bomb. It was like Telethon all over again, but without the brass bands or Peter Sinclair. Never underestimate tinsel – that stuff can take out an eye.

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4) Boyd has a lovers tiff with the medical supply company (whose name will not be mentioned)

Does Boyd have a Fentidge implant in his brain? That’s the only explanation for his irrational behaviour. One minute he’s in love with Fentidge, the next he’s two-timing them with another lab. Then he wants to operate on his own dodgy kidney, chuck in an implant and hope for the best. He even joined forces with love-enemy Drew: Could they be Ferndale’s next ‘it’ couple?

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Sorry, but I tuned out of this storyline after hearing ‘Fentidge’ for the nine-millionth time. What I think happened: Boyd apologised and agreed to wed Fentidge in a traditional hand-fasting ceremony, with Cushla Patterson as the celebrant and a wedding party of eight polymer implants. So romantic.

5) Curtis goes down like a sack of potatoes

The testosterone-fuelled feud continued between the cocky doctor and the quick-witted orderly. Curtis gained the upper hand when he put toothbrush bristles in Finn’s underpants and sent him a parcel of exploding tinsel. Oh, the hilarity!

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“You’re a knob!” Curtis shouted, an insult so sharp it pierced Finn right in his knobby place. “Knob this!” said The Knob, punching Curtis right in the smacker. It was epic stuff.

6) Kate cooks her way into Nicole and Vinnie’s spare bedroom

Kate and Blue were made homeless this week. Not even a quick Google of TradeMe found them anywhere to live, so when Nicole offered her spare room, Kate snapped it up quicker than a $5 bottle of supermarket chardonnay.

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The catch? Kate has to cook an eight course banquet every night. “No probs,” said Kate, an expert at making one loaf of bread into cordon bleu cuisine. Plain toast, Vegemite on toast, jam on toast, peanut butter on toast, toast on toast. BOOM. Somebody get the woman a book deal.

7) Mo has mo’ problems

Mo discovered Victoria and Drew did the wild thing way back in 2015. Suddenly alarm bells began to ring in his head, just like the annoying high-pitched beep my washing machine makes every twelve seconds once it’s finished its cycle.

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Mo didn’t have long to treat himself to the mental image of Victoria and Drew together. D.I. Foster was back, sniffing around Victoria’s feet like a pig looking for truffles. Will Fentidge have to insert a truth implant into Victoria to wrap up this storyline? Not a bad idea, might just call the patent office on that one.

8) Dayna inhaled too many toxic George fumes and it affected her ability to think clearly

Dayna, Dayna, Dayna. For such a smart woman, she made a terrible decision when she joined George to flee the country. Pretty sure that makes her an accessory to a crime, but whatevs.

How far will they get before Lucy calls the Fake Doctor Authority Hotline? No need to panic – D.I. Foster is still pissing about trying to solve Drew’s shooting, so he should get to George’s medical fraud case by 2021.

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