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“I don’t even know their names” – Judging the uso of Game of Bros with Aunty Henga, Week Four

Madeleine Chapman and her Aunty Henga assess the skills, builds, and tattoos in Game of Bros, Māori television’s reality quest for the ultimate Polynesian warrior.

This week on Game of Bros, the challenges revolved around food and cooking. Naturally Aunty Henga and I ate KFC for dinner whilst planting our judging eyes on the final seven bros.

In memory of Selwyn, who was eliminated last week, Pani and Pani wore some pretty gross gumboots throughout the episode. We miss you, Selwyn.

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The first challenge was to deseed a pawpaw without using your hands. Aunty Henga immediately found a loophole in the challenge. “Can’t use your hands? Use a spoon.” Flawless logic that none of the contestants were clever enough to pick up on. Instead, they used their faces.

The second challenge was to make oka, a raw fish and coconut dish. For most of the bros it was their first time making the dish – and it showed. I asked Aunty Henga how many times it took her to make good oka and she replied, “I think first go. When we were young we only got to watch. So once you were given the task it better be perfect or you’ll be bunnyhop. Smack.”

So there you have it. My Aunty Henga won both challenges while eating a wicked wing in our living room.

1) Michael

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Michael takes out the top spot this week for just being good. He put coriander in his oka – a brave move – and one of the Pani’s liked it despite hating coriander. What is this sorcery? His prize basket win brought out some mixed emotions and side eyes.

2) Iosefa

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Iosefa once again found himself in a slightly homoerotic situation this week. After the bum tap from two weeks ago, observant viewers (me) noticed James running his hands down Iosefa’s back during the fish filleting tutorial. What is going on there?

3) Louis

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Louis brings out the best in Aunty Henga. She was quietly enjoying her chicken until Louis referred to pawpaw as “popo”. Aunty Henga was not going to let that slide. “Hey man, it’s pawpaw! Po is the name of my cousin.” Louis also included an onion in his fruit display. It wasn’t even a pretty onion either.

4) Jordan 

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Usually a strong contestant, Jordan nearly brought Aunty Henga to tears when he displayed not one, but three incorrect ways to grate a coconut. “What is he doing?!” she cried, “that’s not-” and then she was too stunned to speak. Some things can never be unseen.

5) James

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In a shocking upset, James was sent home this week. There were a lot of teary eyes when they announced it, not from Aunty Henga though. James even won the first challenge which leads me to believe that he was eliminated for being too bots.

6) Thierry 

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Thierry had a lot of screen time this week which hinted that he was going to be disqualified. Another hint was that he was useless in both challenges. He came last in the pawpaw challenge and his raw fish looked like porridge. Worst of all, he was wearing a red earring that may or may not have been stick-on.

DISQUALIFIED – Ramon

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Ramon actually performed quite well this week. Too bad he was disqualified in the first 90 seconds. Next week’s challenges are set indoors, so maybe he won’t feel the need to wear a certain hoodie yet again. We can only hope.

I asked Aunty Henga who she thought would win overall now that we were halfway through the competition. She thought for a while then said, “It’s hard to tell because not all of them are good.”

I thought that was an sufficiently brutal note to end on but she wasn’t finished.

“I need to look at the calendar, I don’t even know their names.” She took the promotional calendar that I had given her and methodically went through the contestants, stared each in the eye, and folded over all the ones who had been eliminated.

Absolutely chilling.


 

Game of Bros airs Thursdays 8pm on Māori television, click here for the rest of our GOB coverage 

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