Alex Casey delivers her tenth power rankings for The Bachelorette NZ, where the lads escape the concrete jungle for the rolling countryside. Click here for previous instalments.
It’s time for us to lie down in a circle in an abundant field full of prickles and say what we are grateful for on The Bachelorette NZ.
I am grateful for the ever-growing presence of dogs on this programme (and not just AMOG amiriiite). I am grateful for Lesina whirling around a cheese shoppe like a Tasmanian devil. I am grateful for whatever the hell kind of stoner meal this is:
I am grateful for the Bachelors going feral and building a fire for no reason, again. I am grateful for Lily throwing down on all the guilty men and telling them not to play her for a fool. I am grateful for the fact that Lesina and Lily have now officially had more kisses than I have had hot dinners, and I am grateful to have seen them all in sepia-toned HD, live on TVNZ2. Just normal telly.
I am grateful for the drama, I am grateful for the deceit, I am grateful for all the brave Kiwi blokes out there wondering if they can pull off a Hallensteins fedora. Let us bring down our walls, unleash our mighty kūmara, and continue to play polo with this pile of human hearts.
VETOED FROM THIS GET-UP: Liam
The most emotionally intelligent man in all of Asgard had his talking bottle shattered this week after the revelation that he potentially had a girl waiting for him on the outside (I cannot stress enough how much these men talk like they are behind bars). Aaron told Lily the goss, Lily told Liam that it was garbage behaviour and sent him packing, and Jesse was devastated.
Liam announced to the lads that he had been “vetoed from this get-up” but maintained that he didn’t actually have anyone waiting for him at home. He was also “disappointed to be the talking point of the nation”, to which I say: grow up Peter Pan.
LOVES A HORSE: Elliott
When Elliott inevitably runs off this programme with one or both bum cheeks hanging out, I hope it’s to launch a 24-hour Twitch channel where he just rattles off his reckons about life. “I really appreciate when chicken nibbles are shaped like a drumstick,” he uttered to nobody at one point, equally as wholesome as him being “grateful for lovely weather and a delightful pool”.
But Captain No Tan’s finest moment came during their polo date, when he well and truly appeared to fall in love with a lovely horse named Catalina. She just understands him, he reckons. Even though he had an absolute mare and fell off his noble stead, Elliott got back on the horse and continued growing his connection with the horse. Sorry Equus. Grow up Harry Potter imo.
Sweet Terence, lovely Terence, prankster Terence. The Boy With the Buttocks tattoo continued to open up to Lily this week about his battle with depression, and how he builds up his walls whenever he feels like he has been knocked down. “Part of being a human is seeing all of your shit and going ‘I have to deal with this’,” said Lily, in what is surely the realest conversation on the show to date (aside from neo-realism in chicken nibbles, of course). Then this tooth to tooth action happened!
Amazingly, Terence got a kiss without having to win a jet boat race OR do any weird bartering! Loving this growth for T-Dog, right down to his confidence ordering “tres huevos”, presumably for Richie to eat hard-boiled on a balcony somewhere.
It’s official: Jesse hates Aaron more than Tavita’s intestines hate their fleshy prison. “You’re a prick bro… you’re a fuckin’ loser… you’re a rat bro.” Despite choosing to not tell Lily about Liam’s comments re: a woman on The Outside because it was “the manly thing to do”, Jesse still seemed to get out scot-free and safe for another week. That’s just Wombat Law.
The very thought of Lily melts Quinn into a delicate mush. A Quinnce paste, if you will. “She’s just fucking hot,” he tells the camera, staring off into the middle distance. Poor Quinny can’t even read the page of a book without thinking of her, so I guess it makes sense that the moment they are alone together it is PC gone mad (Pash Central). He wants to take Lily home and show her his life, and I believe this handsome jar of Quinnce will have the chance to do just that.
The market may be crashing, but Richie Rich’s smooching shares remain rock solid. Not only did he and Lily pash on the street for their entire single date, but they also sat alone at the cocktail party and wrapped their legs around each other, which I’m pretty sure is how they have sex in Avatar. He bought her a vintage sign for Super Lube, and she bought him a small dish to keep his many, many rings in. Siri, show me what true love looks like.
Logan tried to impress Lesina this week by showing his wild side, because nothing screams spontaneous like meticulously plugging into Google “crazy fun things to do” and then going paragliding after paying a professional paragliding proprietor. I’m pretty sure that’s actually how The Joker happened. Continuing his newfound trend of being mad as a cut snake, he decided to pull Lily aside instead of Lesina at the cocktail party. We all go a little mad some times.
In the words of a wise kūmara farmer, sometimes you’ve got to act a bit crazy to be sane.
Speaking of, what a week for Dargaville’s finest! In his own words, the impact player is off the bench and bringing it home. And when I say “it”, I of course mean his wanger. During an epic synchronised swimming display, Michael revealed a root vegetable of one’s own. “It looked like a finger,” said Logan, who tried to grab it underwater. “I like the size of your… talent,” said Lesina, who later chose him for a one-on-one.
This week was the complete and utter undoing of AMOG, who revealed that the only thing stopping his head from completely exploding was his Hallensteins velveteen fedora. He narked on Liam to Lily, he then narked on himself for narking, and he paced around the courtyard having a normal one while chanting “it had to be me, it had to be me, it had to be me”.
Regardless of being a total agent of chaos, Aaron was still plucked out for a single date with Lesina, where she spent most of her time in a cheese shoppe and he spent most of his time being yelled at by a Spanish silversmith. He made her a ring with a heart on it which seems very chilled out and not full on at all, and all of Buenos Aires laughed and laughed and laughed.
Speaking of The One Ring, how jealous was Mike that Aaron got to give a ring to Lesina? “It’s not jealousy, it’s just more annoying,” said Mike, channeling Boromir before he lurches forward and tries to wrench the ring off Frodo’s finger. Speaking of Boromir, here’s something I prepared earlier re: Lesina’s relentless questioning of Mike:
No matter how many questions she fires his way, Mike is just as ready to fire them back. And when all the questioning is done, all he has to say is “I really enjoyed kissing you the other night” and they are back smooching up a storm. On this most emo of weeks, Mike is number one with a Bullot and also the lead singer of Mike Chemical Romance. Cya.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.