What is it like to crash a Married at First Sight NZ wedding? Two brave reality TV fans went to Swanson to find out.
A couple of months ago, Alex Casey and Tina Tiller of The Real Pod, The Spinoff’s weekly reality TV podcast, headed out to an undisclosed location in West Auckland to watch two strangers get Married at First Sight. There were cute babies, there were nervous parents, there was Ling and Zing from The Block NZ. After the ceremony, they recorded their reactions live, raw, and unfiltered.
The following is a transcript of that reaction. Please note: we couldn’t really hear or see anything.
Alex: Okay, we’ve just been to a Married at First Sight wedding out in Swanson, and we need to talk about it right now before we forget because it won’t be on TV for ages. Initial thoughts on the ceremony Tina?
Tina: Can we say their names?
Tina: What’s his name? James. I thought he was cute. He’s handsome, I think he knows his handsome, and that might mean he tries to get away with things. Also: the banter. He thinks he’s a bit of a lol
Alex: He loves a fist bump and he is very good friends with Ling and Zing, which could be a red flag.
Tina: Yes. They were there!
Alex: I don’t know if it’s Ling or Zing that has the long hair but whichever one… so lush.
Tina: SO LUSH. Like, he shampooed his hair the night before, I swear.
Alex: The other one has definitely been working on his goatee.
Alex: Okay, let’s go right back to the start. So he was waiting for her for ages before the actual ceremony started. His hands were in his butt pockets and he looked super nervous. He should have been talking to the mother of the bride but he wasn’t, he seemed a bit closed off and just talking to the boys.
Tina: I think maybe he was just nervous. You’re up there and you’re like, ‘I’m gonna talk to my homies, we’re gonna suss out the vibes’. He did talk to the Mums eventually, which was good
Alex: The Mums seemed to love him – he said something like, “if she looks anything like you, I’m happy.” It’s a classic line that also works well, but I get the feeling those sorts of lines are from something like The Game, you know, like the MAFS playbook. Again, he could’ve been nervous and you revert to cliché things when you’re nervous. Then Carmen came in! She was beautiful!
Tina: Her dress was so poofy.
Alex: The back on it!
Tina: He fist-bumped his mate who was sitting at the front, to really show that he was physically attracted to her. I don’t know, though! I was like, “Really bro? You really gonna do that?”
Alex: I have such a bad reaction to anything to do with lad or lad-adjacent culture.
Tina: I agree, I agree! She was also quite nervous. And before all of that, we were ready to go, she was about to come out and it started PISSING DOWN. I thought that was a sign – I get the universe vibes and that’s the vibe that it gave us.
Alex: It was a really bad omen for the production person to be like, “Okay, we’re ready for the bride!” And literally the heavens opened, like the most aggressive downpour, really loud on the tarpaulin. So yeah, if we were to take the universe’s advice, it’s not gonna last.
Tina: I also think he could be a sneaky, sneaky mans and maybe tread on her toes maybe.
Alex: I really hope not. Another funny thing: Flynny from More FM was their celebrant and when he did the vows and the rings he told them to say, “I offer you this ring as a symbol of my life.” And when Jimmy said his vows he said, “I offer you this ring as a symbol of my strong feelings.” You could have two reads on that. I read it as a funny way of acknowledging how stupid and weird the situation is, that they’re not gonna rush into it and say stuff like that.
Or, he’s hedging his bets and he’s gonna do a fucking number on her.
Tina: Although she was hesitant to say ‘my love’ as well. But she wasn’t quick enough on the spot to think of something. He’s quick to think about shit!
Alex: His banter was very good. To use Love Island terminology, they got the banter. And if that’s enough, then power to them. It was just a weird vibe.
Tina: They seem pretty happy with what they got. It was just a bit of a spectacle seeing him act up like that. I think he could be just playing for the cameras, but we’ll see. She looked beautiful but we didn’t get to hear her speak much.
Alex: And after the vows was the kiss. It started off just like a normal wee kiss and I don’t know if she gave him a signal or he went all in, but it became a full-on pash where he held her head and tilted her.
Tina: It was off a movie!
Alex: It was off a movie, and everyone kind of whooped and cheered but god, I really, really hope she was into that – otherwise it’s reeeaally tense.
Alex: Also soon as they got to the end of the aisle, we saw production split them up immediately, he gets whisked down to be interviewed basically right where me and Tina were also trying to leave from in the car park. She went somewhere else so they could get their first reactions, and the man wasn’t smiling. And the man was vaping.
Tina: He was vaping. Like stress-vaping. Not even a smile. Like surely you’d be happy?
Alex: I feel like his compliments and stuff were a little performative, like you can feel if someone’s really happy, you know? There wasn’t really a lot of energy there, but maybe that was the nerves. And the cold. And also he’d been waiting around for ages.
Tina: You’re right, I feel like if he was really happy, you wouldn’t stage your feelings like that. That fist pump to his boy – like what are you, 12? Although it’s hard, we should remember that they’ve just met for the first time.
Alex: It was definitely not as clear cut as when I was at Ben and Aaron’s wedding. As soon as they met each other I was like ‘This is fucked. This is over. He clearly hates him.’ and I was right. It was very palpable in the room, whereas I felt like that wasn’t as clear but we’ll figure it out.
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.
The Bulletin is The Spinoff’s acclaimed daily digest of New Zealand’s most important stories, delivered directly to your inbox each morning.