Breaking news: All Star Family Feud just proved that romance is not dead. Nay, it is alive and kicking its way through a warm trans-Tasman current of love while wearing a new pair of Orewa Life Saving Club budgie smugglers.
Praise be to Eros or whatever TV god decided to throw The Bachelor NZ and Married at First Sight together. Host Dai Henwood could barely believe his eyes at the magnificent sight of so many hopeless romantics huddled under one roof, as they agonised over whether their partner reminded them of a penguin or a starfish.
The Black Eyed Peas wondered where the love was, and the answer is on the All Star Family Feud set. It featured more candles and rose petals than a single date under a Thai waterfall, while the background lights throbbed like Zac Franich’s heart when he wore that tiny dressing gown. It was a budget version of heaven, all soft and floaty and glorious. If this is where reality TV contestants go to die then I want an eternal front row ticket in the studio audience.
In this amazing hour of television, we learned more about Zac Franich than we have in three long months of The Bachelor (FYI – being the Bach was “challenging, but rewarding”, which is also how people describe spin class or prison), we bathed in the contented glow of the Married at First Sight couples, and discovered that Dominic Bowden has a very troubled soul.
Who says reality television isn’t educational? Here are some other velvety nuggets of wisdom gleaned from All Star Family Feud.
Zac Franich has killer reflexes
Quicker than a Suzuki Swift skidding down a mud trail, faster than a piece of rubbish chucked into a Bangkok canal, Zac crushed that buzzer like it was the hopes and dreams of 20 single women all looking for love.
If in doubt just talk to your tiny cat
The Bachelor’s Molly is a flipping champ and if her suggestion to have “a bloody good yarn” to your pet doesn’t earn her the Nobel Peace Prize then I will lock myself in a soundproof booth and cover myself in a soft blanket of rose petals until those electric candles burn down to a smouldering nubbin.
The Dominic Bowden Pause™ is a beautiful thing
“It just feels good,” says Dom. Survey says: it. feels. incredible.
Dai Henwood is a legend worthy of display
Chuck Dai Henwood on a plinth and lock him in Te Papa, for he is a national treasure that must be preserved forever more. With more giddy enthusiasm than a bride about to marry a complete stranger, Dai was the delicious filling in a reality TV sandwhich topped with MAFS’ Nick’s torso and bottomed with Zac’s shimmery teeth. Tell the UN to stand down, this is a meal to heal the world.
“I can see what all the hype’s about,” Dai breathed as he gazed into the radiant glare of Zac’s teeth, while I folded my Nan’s old hankies into triangles and jammed them into my shirt pocket, Franich stylz.
We learned more about Dom Bowden than we ever needed to know
Zac called him “a fountain of knowledge”, but I think the council might need to check old mate Dom’s pipes after the torrent of answers that gushed out during Family Feud. The poor lamb made as much sense as those empty candle holders when he suggested an amusement park was the perfect place to meet someone, and the creature he’d compare his partner to was a “nice shark” or a sea snake.
Tfw the cool guy gives the weirdest answers.
I’m not 100% committed to leaping onto the log flume of love and diving deep into the dark tunnel of Dominic Bowden’s psyche, but perhaps it’s time to take a life-long pause and borrow Molly’s small cat for some solid feline advice.
Shazza and Nick are still in love
It’s on like donkey kong for these two lovebirds, even if Shazza does remind Nick of a puffer fish. Ah, romance, may you forever live in the sea creatures of our heart.
Survey says: Zac’s jokes are a depressing metaphor for the human condition
Zac reckons his dad jokes are terrible, but LOOK HOW MUCH HE LOVES THEM.
Just what is small and red and goes up and down—a sebaceous cyst? My joyful heart every time Dai dances us out to the ad break? I was more confused than when Zac found out bachelorette Sarah was afraid of fish, mostly because my tiny brain can only handle one question at a time and tbh I’m still wrestling with the mental image of Dom Bowden pashing a sea snake.
Nobody puts baby in the corner
Bowden can take his lengthy pauses and skulk off back to Rainbow’s End, ASAP.
The way to get over a partner is to ‘just do you’ WTF
This confirms Zac should stick to Dad jokes and leave handing out advice willy nilly to the Mollster and her menagerie of wise, but tiny, animals.
Dai getting a rose was The Bachelor finale we’ve all been waiting for
Group date from hell, btw.
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