Tara Ward assembles her power rankings for Shortland Street, including Chris’ mane, Magic Mo and whatever good thing Damo has decided to do this week.
1) Chris is a harbinger of doom with amazing hair
Not only did Chris return to Ferndale without Rachel, but he bought himself a new phone that he couldn’t operate. Life deals the poor bloke one cruel blow after another.
Chris was in a lousy mood. “Rachel is never coming back,” he announced glumly. It was like a knife through the heart, as I prefer to think Rachel has just ‘stepped outside momentarily’ or maybe even ‘gone to the farm’. It’s fine, she’s fine, we’re all fine.
Luckily, Doctor Love’s glorious new haircut proved an excellent distraction from the Rachel shaped hole in our hearts. Chris can’t work technology or keep a wife, but hot damn, his hair’s so sharp it could draw blood.
2) Damo just stands there
Damo, wearing a spangly shirt, standing outside the police station dunnies. That’s as good as it got this week.
3) Glen tries to kiss a window
Don’t you hate it when the police search your car and discover the body of your ex-girlfriend hidden in the boot? RIP Tatiana, whoever the hell you were.
But Glen didn’t murder anybody! He was at the beach, looking at the waves! That’s a watertight alibi if ever I’ve heard one. I think we’re supposed to feel sorry for this big knucklehead, but yeah, nah, lock him up ASAP.
4) Nicole gets her pash on
Nicole was flat out this week dealing with a tricky roster, an annoying husband and a missing father-in-law. “I’m drowning,” she told Ruby, a somewhat insensitive analogy given Howard was treading water somewhere off Great Barrier Island. Ruby took Nicole literally and administered the kiss of life, which is all good and well but did nothing to solve Nicole’s roster issues.
Will Nicole ever sort the roster out? It’s the Christmas cliffhanger we’re all waiting for.
5) Magic Mo does it again
Mo used the hypnotic powers of his Magic Eye duvet to lure yet another blonde woman into his bed. Save yourselves, ladies: like a solar eclipse, we must never look directly at Mo’s manchester, less we find ourselves being pulled into his swirling vortex of lusty fornication. Run. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES I TELL YOU.
6) Leanne discovers Howard’s end
With Howard still missing at sea – probably floating hand in hand with muffin man Lionel Skeggins – Leanne turned to the well-known ‘Crystal Bullshit’ method of search and rescue. Seems fair, given the craptastic record of the Ferndale Police at solving mysteries.
Surprisingly, waving a crystal in the air was of no help to Howard, whose cold, dead body was pulled from the water. On the plus side: Lionel’s still out there, so keep swinging, Leanne.
7) Ali ticks another thing off his bucket list
Ali couldn’t believe his luck. It’s not every day you go to a brothel, meet a lady named Olga, and persuade her to tell the police where Hidey Hayden is. Hopefully, Glen and his magical liver will be freed from prison, Lucy will love Ali forever, and every Christmas they’ll laugh about that totes hilarious time Ali hung out with that woman with the weird accent.
If only Leanne could wave her magic crystal over this storyline to make it disappear at sea.
Special mention: this policeman
Watching this guy was more interesting than any of the crap that happened in Ferndale this week. Constable Staring Into The Distance, we salute you.
This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.