It’s week six of Celebrity Treasure Island and nobody’s having a good time except the viewers. Tara Ward power ranks our favourite celebs as they battle it out for charity.
Welcome to an explosive week on CTI, where truth bombs were thrown and secrets were spilled, and the world shook so much that a tsunami warning was issued. Our brave celebrities were evacuated from camp to a nearby hill, taking us behind the CTI curtain to reveal a terrifying world of collapsible gazebos and non-famous people doing stuff.
But what is the game of life, if it’s not played under a collapsible gazebo? After thousands of losses, Katipō finally won a face-off challenge and changed everything. Repo’s team alliances imploded, Chris Parker spent the week in a rabid state of hanger, and two key players were eliminated. Even the hosts were in a mood, unimpressed that Lance and Chris snuck out of camp for a secret meeting in the middle of the night. Sorry, Mum and Dad.
In other exciting Chiz news: he took part in the raw egg/boiled egg charity challenge and delivered some astonishing levels of enthusiasm.
After looking at these images for hours, wallpapering my bedroom with them and sleeping with them under my pillow, I am happy to announce that Matt Chisholm cracking a raw egg on his forehead is the exact moment I realised I could quietly slip through the stones to another dimension, secure in the knowledge I have seen all the things in this world that I need to see.
Let’s crack into the rankings.
Joe’s cunning plan to throw the face-off challenge backfired, landing him in the elimination challenge against Jess. Lance didn’t use his captain’s powers to save his BFF, Joe’s monkey block tower wouldn’t sit still, and suddenly Joe’s CTI journey was over. Who will wink directly at the camera now? I’m reaching Chris Parker-hangry levels of rage over this.
She may be gone, but Angela Bloomfield’s spirit will return in the form of a feral possum who ravages the CTI camps at night, whispering “all hail the ovary agreement” and “Matt Chisholm wasn’t looking” into the ears of the contestants as they sleep. We’ll miss Ange’s whip smart read of the game, but at least she enjoyed a “sexual” meal of fish and chips before she left. Like Rachel McKenna in a bath falling through Chris Warner’s ceiling, she’s gone too soon.
9) Sir Buck Shelford
Sir Buck has no time for macadamia leaves and he’s got no time for Edna Swart either. “It’s dog eat dog,” he said after Repo argued around the campfire, “and I’m a big dog, I can eat a lot of meat.” Who needs to be top dog when you’re a big dog? Who needs macadamia leaves, other than macadamias? Nobody, Daddy Buck, that’s who.
8) Anna Simcic
While Repo threw insults around, Anna Simcic kept it classy by dropping another delightfully polite expression. Last week it was “jeepers creepers” and this week it was “holy moly”. Has a dirty word ever passed Anna Simcic’s lips? She’s purer than a raw egg on Chizzo’s forehead.
7) Edna Swart
Edna scrambled to stay in the game this week, forming a powerful and secret alliance with Lance that saw him swap her out for Candy in the elimination challenge. Edna doesn’t know Lance is playing both sides, and Lance doesn’t know how serious Edna was when she said she was about to fart in his face during a challenge. LOL! People are complex.
6) Brynley Stent
Brynley knows exactly where the CTI power lies, and that is inside the TimTam. This week she shared her biscuits with the exiled Chris Parker, wrapping three precious nuggets in hessian and tossing them into the Katipō void, uniting hearts and minds through the power of a silky chocolate outer and creamy innards. It’s the ultimate act of generosity. Can you imagine how hangry Chris would have been without them? Brynley’s bravery will never be forgotten.
5) Candy Lane
Hell of a week for Candy. Not only did she have to deal with a possum eating her TimTams (call the police, file a possum report, put that little fucker in jail), but sneaky Lance blindsided her with another elimination nomination which lead to a verbal stoush with Edna back at camp.
I’m keen to hear the possum’s side of the story, because I also like to secretly eat TimTams in the dead of night, but Candy proved again that she shouldn’t be underestimated. Whether she’s casually confessing “I grew up handling shoes all the time” (what) or telling Edna there isn’t enough room in her mouth for all of Candy’s words (put that moment in Te Papa), she’s playing to win. Ignore this shoe handler at your peril.
4) Lana Searle
The fishy winds of change blew through Katipō as Lana became captain and led her team to victory. Great, cool, whatever, but what we really need is to hear more about the chia seed scandal – Chia-gate, if you will – where Lana revealed that Jason Gunn once spat chia seeds into her mouth. I’m sorry, what? And why, how, where and when? This is the cliffhanger we didn’t expect, so put your answers on the back of a TimTam and send it to The Spinoff, ASAP.
3) Jess Tyson
Jess is an absolute machine under pressure, but we finally found her weak spot: a milky cup of tea. With no powdered milk in camp, Jess raged on a cliff and threw a stone at the gods of lactose. Did they hear her cries? No, and neither did the nearby cows. Tragic.
2) Chris Parker
Old mate risked his entire game by meeting Lance for a midnight chat, but that was only the beginning of Chris’ woes. Katipō didn’t want him as captain, they couldn’t paddle a boat for shit and worst of all, Chris spent the week hangry as hell. It was Chris Parker as we’ve never seen him before: just a boy, standing in front of three TimTams, asking them to love him. What did he get in return? A delicious meal of fish and chips, a challenge victory, and the sweet, sweet taste of success. What a ride.
1) Lance Savali
How is this happening? Liar Lance somehow has a grip on all the power but he’s sleeping on a bed of lies, and you know what they say about people who sleep on beds of lies? They say “wake up, you big liar”. Lance formed an alliance with Edna, but also let Joe go home, and he’s aligned with Brynley and Chris, but admitted he would work against them, which means…Lance’s closest alliance is with the feral possum who ate Candy’s TimTams? Sure, why not.