It’s week two of Celebrity Treasure Island, and the games are just beginning.
Welcome back to Celebrity Treasure Island, a blessed world where the poo cave echoes with the dreams of the brave, the possums cackle through the night, and our brave celebrities push themselves to their limits to raise money for charity. This week the stingrays hovered, the celebrities cried, and Matt Chisholm dropped his first “in the drink” for 2021. While our real world is topsy-turvy, CTI is exactly as it should be.
Week two saw the game play begin, as Repo argued about choosing a new captain, while an alliance between Katipō and Honu saw both teams dine out on peanut butter and olive oil until their mouths were lined with the greasy taste of success. Repo wanted in on the alliance action, even though they were already winning everything, and approached Honu with a surprising offer scrawled on an ancient sea scroll.
Those jokers at Katipō didn’t care. They were too busy chasing a possum and eating ham and cheese toasties to worry about anything else, proving you don’t have to be winners to be grinners. Katipō didn’t win a challenge this week, but they won the freaky heart of Blind Jim The Possum, which might just be the sweetest victory of all.
Let’s chew over another week of delicious (but completely overcooked) rankings.
ELIMINATED: Johnny Tuivasa-Sheck
Johnny was on CTI for a good time, not a long time. While he pushed himself to his physical limits carrying a big snake in the face-off challenge, he was chucked out after losing a tense stick-and-ball elimination challenge. I’ve never met a stick and ball I trusted, and now, I never will.
ELIMINATED: Huriana Manuel
Huriana, we barely knew you. She fought hard to drop five balls in a hole in the elimination challenge, but it wasn’t meant to be. Gonu from Honu, but never forgotten.
17) Sir Buck Shelford
Whomst? We hardly got a growl out of Buck this week, despite the poor bloke being slowly consumed by his clothes. Bring back Buck, before that green towel swallows him forever.
16) JJ Fong
JJ’s flying under the radar, no doubt playing a silent game of stealth and intrigue that nobody knows about yet. Plus, JJ loves blueberry muffins, and when has a muffin ever let Celebrity Treasure Island down? Never.
15) Anna Simcic
Love Anna’s insistence on wearing fluorescent pink while everyone else on her team wears green, and adore the way she ruined a batch of flatbread by adding a shitload of sugar. Anna’s going rogue! She’s out of control! That flatbread may well be the secret to her success.
14) Jess Tyson
Jess won $5,000 in the charity challenge and made Bree Tomasel cry with her inspiring charity Brave, and then got to dance in the sand with Candy Lane and Art Green. What a week.
13) Kimberley Crossman
Whatever’s going on here is priceless, and Kim “Michelangelo” Crossman’s toes just whipped up a masterpiece. Hang it in the Louvre, get it in Te Papa, chuck it in Repo’s poo cave, ASAP.
12) Tammy Davis
Does Tammy have a game plan? No. Has Tammy come on CTI just to have a nice time at the beach and eat kina? Definitely. This week he kept Honu nourished and got right into his team chant, and it seems he’s having a lovely holiday courtesy of TVNZ. Maybe Tammy is the best game player of all.
11) Brynley Stent
If this was a power ranking for “feelings about ham”, Puzzle Queen Brynley would be my first, my last, my everything. Sadly, it is not, and Brynley must languish at number 11 with only the sweet memory of her finding four packs of ham in a brown paper bag to keep me warm at night.
Brynley also gave out a disturbing Blair Witch Project vibe during the Jim the Possum incident, and, although I watched that movie two decades ago, I am yet to move on from it. That’s because I am actually Blind Jim, a jaunty witch possum who has been trying to escape the forest since 1999. I also like ham.
10) Candy Lane
Forget the strategy bullshit and possum malarkey, I’m here for one thing and one thing only: Candy Lane dancing on a beach. In fact, in the still of the night when the air is pure, I often wish Repo would communicate through only the medium of interpretive dance. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Leaving it with you, Candy. Make us proud.
9) Joe Daymond
Bloody loving Joe’s big stick energy, as he prepared to take on Jim the Possum with a small-to-medium-sized branch and then slept all the way through the possum’s appearance. We’ve all been there.
8) Lana Searle
Lana won Katipō a reward steal in the captain’s challenge, thanks to her in-depth knowledge of Art Green’s love of ice baths. This is why we prepare, this is where the hard work pays off, and in a perfect world we’d all be sitting in an ice bath with Art Green eating a platter of cheese toasties. Great work, Cap.
7) Lance Savali
Who is this angel before us? Why, it is Lance Savali, avoider of conflict, emergency pee escaper, light of our CTI lives. Life got better for Lance once he relinquished the Repo captaincy to Art Green, and now Lance is just a man on a stretcher, singing a happy song about someone else being captain and it not being him. Lance lived, laughed, loved his way through this week, and we live, laugh, love to see it.
6) Edna Swart
Poor Edna. She dry retched over the smell of fish, vomited in her mouth after a blueberry muffin, and was absolutely spewing when her teammates said they wouldn’t vote for her as captain. It’s fine, everything’s fine, there are definitely no grudges held here. Edna still loves fishing.
5) Richie Barnett
Richie The Destroyer proved again how good he is with balls and sticks, winning his second elimination challenge and bumping Johnny from the competition. If you’re up against Richie and a ball and a stick, you’re going home. That’s the law now.
4) Tegan Yorwarth
“Some broken little phalange isn’t going to be the end of my game,” Tegan said after she munted her toe in the face-off challenge. Write it in the sand and spell it out in peanut butter, because even with a bung foot, Tegan is proving a force to be reckoned with. Also, she said “love a bit of muff” during the blueberry muffin reward challenge, and smut always ranks well here.
3) Angela Bloomfield
Angela continues to struggle in the team of legends, as the only member wanting to play a strategic game. While the rest of Honu are used to winning through sheer athleticism, Bloomfield is last year’s Matty Mclean, an intuitive player desperate to find an advantage by making secret alliances. Honu didn’t want to align with Repo, and Ange probably rues the day she ever suggested a team chant. Honu, Honu, who are we? Nobody has any idea.
2) Chris Parker
“This game is heating up, for sure, but in a way that is getting me a little turned on,” Chris Parker said, and if there’s anything we love more than Three Hat Chris Parker, it’s Saucy Spice Chris Parker. Chris played the perfect game this week, sowing the seeds for the alliance with Honu, surviving the elimination challenge, and wearing a superb pair of leopard print bike pants. What more do you need, Aotearoa? Absolutely nothing.
1) Art Green
It was only a matter of time before Muscles McGee took his rightful place at the top of the rankings, because that’s evolution for you. Some of us are ham, some of us are feral possums, and then there’s Art Green, a physically powerful and ridiculously handsome competitor who understands the game and smells possum poo just for fun. Save that sort of shit for the poo cave, Art Green, you incredible beast of a player.