Tara Ward recaps this week’s episode of Outlander, including ye olde seduction, 1000 yard stares, and other frivolities of the well-to-do. Contains spoilers. And smoulders.
Oh, Outlander, you were far too good to us this week. Body parts flew all over Scotland in celebration of this glorious hour of television, an episode filled with more action and anticipation than we’ve seen all season. You think Jamie’s beard was drama? That was nothing. NOTHING, I TELL YOU.
Friends and foes returned to the Fraser fold: Mary (sans lace), Sandringham (with two new wigs) and Hugh Munro (Jamie’s brother from another mother). Charles Stuart threw a tanty of hangry toddler proportions, Claire handed herself over to the uber-trustworthy English, and Murtagh chopped Sandringham’s head off. The phrase ‘keep your wig on’ suddenly took on a whole meaning.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you: you’re in for a feast of neeps and tatties proportions. Talc your toupees and don your protective eyewear, my pretties, and slap your horse’s backside so that together we gallop uncontrollably into the non-stop adventures of Outlander: Vengeance is Mine.
1) That reminds me: I’m due a dental check-up
Be right back, I need to floss, rinse, and polish my molars until they glow in the dark.
2) Jamie needs to work on his battle tactics
“I haven’t seen any Redcoats for some time,” Jamie assured Claire, moments before the Redcoats attacked the Fraser camp. “Meet at the crossroads!” Jamie shouted in English and in a voice so loud the whores at Madame Elise’s heard him, never mind the British across the river. How many crossroads could there be in Scotland? Probably about five, max.
Sort it out, J-Fray. Surely our brave and gallant hero has some extra tricks stuffed up his plaid sleeves? “I think we’ve lost them!” Jamie shouted confidently, just as the British put a cap in Rupert’s iris. Oops.
3) Wanted: a Big Ginge with the glad eye
4) Jamie prays to the God of Blue Duvet Covers to protect his White Dove
I love a tasty morsel of sweet romance tucked in between chewy layers of teeth pulling and eye explosions. Watching Jamie whisper sweet nothings to a sleeping Claire made me overflow like a Cuba Mall bucket fountain of feelings. If my gums weren’t already tender from the DIY dentistry scene, this romantic moment would have made them bleed pure Outlander joy.
5) Jamie’s new tactic for winning the rebellion: a staring contest
First one to blink gets beheaded. Hey, I don’t make the rules.
6) It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye
Look at what happened to poor wee Rupert. Well, we can see what happened, but Rupert can’t, because Pistol Pete the Redcoat shot the King’s finest musket ball right through Rupert’s eye socket.
“I have to take out the bullet. It’s a miracle it hasn’t shifted into your brain,” barked Claire, ever the optimist. As well as being a WW2 trench foot expert, Claire is a skilled ophthalmologist and plans to introduce corrective laser surgery to the Highlands by 1747.
7) “I know the reputation of Highlanders – if she has been harmed, then all expectations are void.”
Chillax, Redcoat. Claire had a cracking time in the Highlands, and gave her visit a solid 4 out of 5 stars on Trip Advisor.
8) Jamie continued to stare defeat right between the eyes
Keep staring, Jamie. Don’t give into the grey-haired bastard. Look how limp his curls are. You’re so much better than him. *whispers* You can do it, my little ginger ninja. This is what we’ve trained so hard for. NOBODY PUTS JAMIE IN THE CORNER.
9) OMG Claire just appeared from behind a painting
Why? Who bloody knows. She’s Claire f*cking Fraser, she does what she likes.
This episode is the best. THE BEST.
10) Hugh dat?
Claire bumped into Hugh Munro, the beggar she met for all of ten minutes in season one – or as I like to call him, the poor man’s Jamie Fraser. Through their silent powers of intuition and sensory transition, Claire convinced Hugh to find Jamie – currently searching at a crossroads for Rupert’s cornea – and tell him to come to the kitchen door of the nearest big house at midnight on the third Tuesday of the month to save Claire from the English. Again.
11) Is it just me or does this look like a Madame Tussauds Jamie
12) The Duke is back and shit is about to get real
The Duke reminds me of my dear wee Granny after she’d get her hair washed and set all fancy. He’s so cute. I don’t believe the rumours that he was playing both the British and the Jacobites, that he ordered his servant to attack Claire and Mary, that he was in cahoots with the Comte. Impossible! Who wouldn’t trust this face?
13) “You look like you need warming up,” and other groundbreaking 18th Century pick up lines
I don’t think he’s offering you a hot Ribena, Claire, so RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
14) The Duke blinked
Sorry, but we play to win on Outlander.
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