Strewth! Buckle up Bache-fans, it’s Week One of The Bachelor Australia season six, and we’re already being taken places.
Welcome to season six of The Bachelor Australia! For new fans, this show is just like Tinder, except the leading man doesn’t know who he has swiped right on, and 25 potential girlfriends all turn up for the date at once. Also, the entire thing is broadcast to Australia and beyond. Each week whoever doesn’t receive a rose at the glitzy climactic cocktail party will be sent packing, until one lucky lady remains.
The first episode kicks off with our introduction to loveable larrikin (a word I had hoped we left with Zac Franich) Nick Cummins, a 30-year-old rugby union player from Sydney. Known to his fans as the “Honey Badger”, quintessentially Australian Nick is probably the best Bachelor I have ever seen.
After being introduced to our flamin’ Bach, we get ready to meet the 25 attractive young sheilas competing to get in his daks. “Holy Moses,” he mutters, “I hope they like moustaches.”
First is Shannon, who likes to paint yellow flowers and ride skateboards. I already get strong winner vibes, only equalled by the contestant who follows her, Brooke, who impressively brings two rugby balls to the first meeting.
Next up is Brit, who is here for the buffet. Buffet Brit has been to 49 countries and wants to make Nick her 50th. Buffet Brit does not know how countries work.
She is followed by Cayla T, who is gainfully employed in energy healing. We later find out that crazy Cayla T is a vegan which, speaking as a fellow vegan, does terrible things for our brand.
Cat the fashion designer is up next. She lives in Bali, and everyone knows the only place Australians love more than Australia is Bali. She oozes the kind of confidence that makes one cringe.
Tenille smashes plates and Renee brings a birthday cake to the table.
Then we meet Cass, who knows Nick. She has played rugby with him and goes to his gym. In fact, Cass has dated Nick. But the timing wasn’t right, because he was doing his thing and she was doing her thing. But now neither of them are doing their things and they are both doing this thing. The Bachelor.
This is surely 100% planned. In a small place like New Zealand it is a proven fact you can stand someone up on a date, then end up stuck on a chairlift on a mountain with them months later. But this? This is some next-level craftily produced trainwreck goodness and I cannot wait for it to unfold.
Sophie is next and loves to be at sea, bringing Nick a miniature electric boat. A montage of girls follow, all of whom will definitely be eliminated in the first episodes. Cue Dasha, a striking Russian who confuses the first meet for a Cirque de Soleil rehearsal, and does upside-down sit-ups from Nick’s neck.
Lastly, we are introduced to Vanessa Sunshine, who does not like moustaches. She is sassy and confident and they should have just put her in an Ursula the Sea Witch costume because we already know she’s the villain.
The first twist of this season is the key to the bachelor pad, as detailed by host Osher Gunsberg. Screw the overnighter in the final weeks – if a girl impresses Nick, he can hand over the key to his lad-pad from episode one.
The girls begin to mingle, with the first scandal being that Cat recognises Sophie from “a photo” her ex showed to her of someone that he had been dating. This is obviously a lie. We know Cat has done a serious Facebook stalk and not just seen a photo.
It takes me at least five weeks to distinguish all the blondes on these shows, so for Cat to recognise her off the bat would be IMPRESSIVE. Sophie is pissed that Cat is bringing this “negative energy” to the table so soon, but I am not worried as there is a professional energy healer in the room, thanks Cayla!
At the first cocktail party Cass keeps an eye on Nick like a kitten on a laser pointer, but to her dismay Brooke gets the magic key after she and Nick exchange the two worst jokes I have ever heard. Kayla G jumps in the pool and Dasha scornfully remarks how cringe it is to throw oneself at a man like that (after physically climbing him earlier in the episode).
As expected, three girls from the montage are eliminated immediately.
In the second episode, and the first of what will be a journey of dates, Shannon gets picked and lowered out of a helicopter into the ocean. Nick opens up about his past troubles, including the time he made coffee wrong and has never been able to drink coffee since. Weak, in my opinion. Once I made pancakes with salt instead of sugar, but I learnt from my mistake and got back on that horse! There is no kiss but Shannon earns her rose and maintains her frontrunner status.
At the group photoshoot date, we learn the girls are not here to make friends, they’re here to be America’s Next Top Model. Cass poses as a hot 80s groupie, which Nick is totally into. We are reminded for the 700th time that Cass already knows Nick and is obsessed with him. Vanessa Sunshine looks fierce in a potato sack and poses awkwardly to the side whilst Nick and Brooke experience some “hectic chem[istry]” in the fireman shoot.
Cayla T draws the short straw and wears a frumpy teacher outfit in the schoolgirl shoot. Cat confirms herself as more of the villain than Vanessa Sunshine, but Cayla T overcomes this and works her way into the shoot to be less Miss Trunchbull and more Miss Honey. Lastly, Sophie flops doing the upward-serpent-suggestive-dog in the yoga shoot, much to the delight of Cat.
After Nick’s Sunday visit during which he kisses a conga-line of girls on the cheek, Romy steals a solo date to make pizza. Nick and Romy romantically cover each other in flour and tommie-sauce, and Romy receives a rose before coming in full-noise on the couch for a kiss. This results in her making out with the right side of his neck. Forgetting that a smooch involves two mouths, Romy reports to the cocktail party that they indeed kissed. Shannon runs for the bathroom crying, and confesses that the reality of the reality television show is kicking in.
Rhiannon is the first to accept a rose. I did not know there was a Rhiannon on the show.
Seventeen more roses are distributed and all of the faithfuls including Vanessa Sunshine are here for another week. Cassie receives a delayed rose after some very intense music for the second episode in a row, so we can tell we are going to be taken on a wild emotional ride. I feel for this one – get out while you can girl.
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Eliminated in Episode 1: Urszula with many consonants, Susie, Autumn, which is a season.
Eliminated in Episode 2: Renee, Juliana, not Margulies.
The Bachelor AU airs on Bravo on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 8:30PM.
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