Your aunty’s favourite show, Outlander, is returning exclusively to Lightbox September 11. Tara Ward watched the brand new trailer and had some thoughts.
I was as happy as a tiny donkey trotting through the Scottish countryside when the official Outlander Season 3 trailer landed last week. It was Outlander D-Day, the beginning of the end: only a few more weeks until Claire Beauchamp Randall Fraser and her kooky time travelling shenannigans return to our screens.
Then I heard the lucky bastards at San Diego Comic Con were privy to a special screening of episode one. What the flipping heck? I was as unimpressed as a time travelling bigamist whose first husband’s hair lacks the colour and bounce of an 18th Century Highland laird.
To feel better I watched the preview 46 more times, and soon my soul was shining like Jamie’s hair after a beer shampoo treatment. Chill your neeps and tatties, I told myself, if Claire can wait 20 years for her hot potato lovin’ historical hubby then I can binge watch this trailer all the way to September 11.
In fact, I vowed to watch the trailer day and night until I saw every tiny detail of this emotional rollercoaster in my sleep, just like that time I closed my eyes and watched Jamie Fraser throw me onto his printing press and cover me in ginger ink before we shared a giant bowl of mashed potatoes and watched the sunrise together.
Sorry, that was just a dream I had once. Here are ten gleaming nuggets of wisdom that I learned from the new Outlander Season 3 trailer.
1) Everyone is miserable
Holy haggis on toast, the official Outlander Gloomometer just went through the cave roof. So many dirty looks and angry voices, it was like Laoghaire visited Jamie at the river all over again. Where’s Angus and his fart jokes when you need them? What, he’s dead too? As you were, then.
2) Someone is giving Jamie a saucy look and it’s not his wife from the future
It’s fine. I’m sure it’s fine.
3) Someone is hiding in a forest of emotions and I’m guessing it’s not Mrs Fitz on a forbidden midnight porridge run
Excellent twist, though.
4) Frank is everywhere and it is a wonderful thing
“You will not let me in,” Angry Frank yells at Claire, probably wishing he was back in Inverness so he could attack the Rev’s garden shed with a big stick again. Claire needs to forget The Big Ginge and forget that Frank sniffed her petticoats when she returned from the past, because old mate Prof Randall is the Uber-Dad who puts up with her whole batshit “I had a baby with some bloke I met in 1743” yarn.
Today’s lesson, children: when Frank Randall knocks, YOU ALWAYS LET HIM IN.
5) Lord John Grey has some spectacularly quizzical eyebrows
Can’t wait to see those beauties during a particularly tricky chess move, tbh.
6) I’m sorry, Jamie who?
Blurry Frank in a skivvy, NEED I SAY MORE.
7) There are no scenes involving potatoes
Please amend this terrible oversight ASAP, Starz. Mashed, peeled, boiled, fried — I’m not fussy. Neither is a starving Jamie, who looks like he’s considering ripping Lord John’s eyebrows off and lightly sauteing them in butter.
8) Jenny is still the biggest party pooper of the entire 1700s
Couldn’t she just welcome Jamie home by calling his wife a trollop, like the good old days? Damn you, progress.
9) No matter how many times I see it, the ringing of the print shop bell gives me goosebumps
Even when I know it’s coming. Ding-a-ling, I am Pavlov’s Dog.
10) We are all Frank staring at the clock, waiting for September
Let’s lie in our Jamie Fraser sized puddles of drool and dream about ginger kisses, turtleneck jerseys and strange women hiding in an emotional forest. And as Frank would say, “we’re going to be alright, I promise”.
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