Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including Boyd’s beautiful MRI scan and Victoria’s endless supply of bags.
1) The ‘D.I.’ in D.I. Foster’s name really means ‘Dickhead Idiot’
D.I. Foster is like a piece of overcooked macaroni: limp, pathetic and completely ineffective at solving crime. This screengrab makes it look like Foster’s head is on fire, which would explain why he’s the shittiest detective to ever have the misfortune of being stationed in Ferndale.
Foster’s brain is burning in a skull shaped brazier of ineptitude, while Victoria gleefully toasts marshmallows in his radiant heat.
2) The real unsolved crime of Ferndale: why does Victoria always carry two handbags?
As this storyline climaxes, Victoria will continue to carry more and more bags. When DI Foster finally arrests her, all we see of Victoria is a clenched jaw poking out from a leathery mountain of straps and buckles.
3) Boyd’s MRI came back with a surprising result
4) Ali hurts, Lucy hurts, we all hurt
Binge-eating sugar until your eyes roll back in your head is usually a cause for celebration. Not for Ferndale’s most miserable lovers Ali and Lucy, who added an extra serving of gloom to their romantic homemade pudding. It’s dessert, not a death sentence, so put on your elasticated pants and stuff yourselves stupid.
“Ali, you’re hurting, and it hurts me that you’re hurting,” Lucy wailed, as both their relationship and dessert quietly burned to a hard crust. To heal her wounds, Lucy got drunk, researched the ‘vibe’ of Islam, and created a Lucy and Ali Bubble of Peace and Harmony™. If only Peppa Pig hadn’t thought of it first.
5) Curtis is stuck in a room of doom with a chair of fear
Curtis rode a log flume of human emotion this week, floating from the giddy peak of Mo’s realisation that Victoria was a two bag toting freak, to the miserable low of being set up by Victoria for Drew’s shooting. The only person it made sense to was that dipshit D.I. Foster. If I were trapped in a tiny room with that melty-brained nimrod, I’d be chucking chairs too.
6) Blue schools Michael on how to talk like a rool Kiwi
Tilt your chin, keep your lips still, and say ‘bro’ at the end of every sentence. Congrats, Big Mike, now you’re a proper Nw Zildr.
7) Anahera has a really crap time visiting Ferndale
A fresh face arrived in Ferndale this week: Esther’s auntie. Anahera was an unpredictable fountain of misguided wisdom, spurting timeless advice like ‘get pregnant and trap a rich doctor’ and ‘play dumb to make a man feel clever’. Was she serious? Hard to know, but let’s hope Rachel McKenna and Anahera get stuck in the lift together, ASAP.
Anahera miscarried her baby at 29 weeks, a drastic event for a character in only her third episode. If this is a lousy plot device to get Finn and Esther together then I’ll need a slice of of Lucy and Ali’s Chocolate Pie of Pity to get over the emotional manipulation. Maybe two slices.
Who am I kidding, LET’S EAT ALL THE PIE.
8) Drew can’t believe his bloody luck
So that’s why we suffered through the weird blood donor storyline. A fresh supply of Drew’s blood was left where any unhinged criminal could find it (in the café pie warmer? Leanne’s bottom drawer?). What a shame Drew’s yuletide blood transfusion meant his life juice was ineligible for donation, as it’s probably so arrogant it could kill cancer by winking nonchalantly at it.
This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.
Subscribe to The Bulletin to get all the day’s key news stories in five minutes – delivered every weekday at 7.30am.