Heartbreak Island Power Rankings: The love boat hits muddy waters

Alex Casey goes for a stroll on the foot-shaped sands of Heartbreak Island, week three.

I truly couldn’t have put it any better than Josh himself, when he looked down the barrel of the camera and sincerely announced that “Lord of the Flies is kicking off.” Except, this time, the infamous conch is a tumbler of Spanish wine and Piggy’s glasses are Tavita’s sweet frames that seem to be worn by whichever dude is embarking on a couple’s switcheroo that week.

Someone’s been reading Lord of the Flies

Chaos has truly descended upon the tootsie isles. During an extremely white ‘Coachella’ themed night down at Tropicana bar, Harry and Josh took to wearing hilarious women’s clothing because that is definitely the funniest thing a person can do in 2018!!!

Talking of nightmares, the challenges this week were like a Matt Chisholm cheese dream. Handcuff yourself to a coconut tree with your feet submerged in an eel tank, then jimmy your way across a beam holding a glass of rose before diving headfirst into your muddy tomb. 

Normal! It’s all normal on the path to finding true love. 

Just another day in paradise

And if you thought the extremely unsettling, caramel-looking “mud” was a change of pace, how’s four more disruptors to the island?! It’s enough to drive me to a fresh and fruity drink at the Tropicana bar tbh.

ELIMINATED

Gennady

‘Twas a really rough week for Gen. Determined to save her bff Tavita, she short-changed Lincoln during the Passion Play Playback at the Platypus Planetarium. I held my catfish flippers up to my mouth when Lincoln let rip. “I deeply believe that she’s just a horrible person,” he said, “I’d rather shit in my hands and clap than hear Gen’s voice again.” Harsh

Check the death grip.

Tavita

He played the game like a guitar, he lifted a lot of weights, but old man river was finally washed off the jetty by the KidPix wave of elimination.

Couldn’t catch the wave on time so drew me own lol

Natasha

Felt like it was damn near impossible for Natasha to shake her extremely unfair snake label, and I was absolutely right. At least now… she’s a sea snake.

Lincoln

To use a Ruby-ism, I find it absolutely “guttering” that Lincoln got the boot. The dude was on antibiotics (edgy) AND revealed that he used to have a pet eel that was “a really cool bro”. I need that buddy comedy and I needed it yesterday. Anyway, here’s the rest of em.

1) Georgia and Harry

Georgia was snapped reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck in her hammock this week, the go-to reading choice for hot people wearing bikinis everywhere. She’ll need less fucks, mind you, if she is sticking around with Harry because that was one tall man attempting to balance on one tiny beam.

Although he tried to channel his inner praying mantis during the physical challenges, Harry proved himself to be more of a jellyfish this week. When disruptor and frown-wearer Liam arrived on the scene, Harry was “sweating like a nun in a cucumber field” at the thought of Georgia taking a fancy to him. Never change Harry, never change. 

2) Stacy and Shayna

Shayna has been sprinkling her love dust all over the show for the past few weeks, according to Stacy. During the degustation challenge, we finally got to see the love dust in the flesh, and it looked a LOT like cayenne pepper which, as we all know, is not the most comfortable dust to sprinkle during more tender moments.

Despite the deep internal love dust burn, Stayna share a bond deeper than words. And, just like acquiring my cold, damp flat, that bond could well be worth upwards of $100,000. 

3) Caitlin and Josh

I’ve come around to Josh as the narrator of Heartbreak Island, beginning with his mic drop line “your moral compass doesn’t work on Heartbreak Island” and ending with him completely botching ‘Ding Dong the Witch is Dead’ when Gen was voted out.

We end this week with Josh being shuffled along to disruptor Caitlyn, who he first thought was “a bit of a bimbo”. To be honest, I bet she’s smart enough not to mix-up ‘Heigh-ho’ with ‘Ding Dong’ but what do I know? She sure as hell can do a weird velociraptor dance by herself, so I like her odds at survival. 

4) Ruby and Joshua

Ruby is a master of the sexy bod dial, a wizard of the wife swap, an Akon-style polygamist clocking up five different matches on the island by week three. Read her book of facts and weep: she was never, ever, ever going to get with Josh.

Her latest match is Joshua, who showed an extremely charming aversion to eels during the challenge, and whose singlet arm holes continue to grow and grow until they will surely swallow us all up into a black hole someday soon. I, for one, can’t wait.

5) Weiting and Liam

I knew Liam was the only one for Weiting when he coyly approached her with a large plate of crayfish, as is the custom is heterosexual courting.

Ruby’s book of facts says: that shit cray

Maybe those who cray together, stay together?

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

Black rat of deceit

Truly, what is this knock-off, home brand Ratatouille emoji doing on my telly? Potentially the last thing you see before you die? Time will only tell.


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This content, like all television coverage we do at The Spinoff, is brought to you thanks to the excellent folk at Lightbox. Do us and yourself a favour by clicking here to start a FREE 30 day trial of this truly wonderful service.

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