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Pop CultureMarch 30, 2020

The Bachelorette NZ Power Rankings: The final decision is made

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Alex Casey delivers her last power rankings for The Bachelorette NZ, where Lily and Lesina make their final decisions. Click here for previous instalments

Well me homies, we have reached the end of our journey together. At times it was slow, like a food tech teacher dragging his brogues through the black sands of Piha Beach. Other times it was fast, like a creative genius in Wanaka spilling milk and inventing drop crotch pants in an instant. Whatever The Bachelorette NZ was, I’m very sad to see the end of it. 

For a season that had so many twists, who could have ever anticipated that the final rose would end in the middle of a global pandemic with the whole country in lockdown? Or that one of the contestants would have been tested for the virus? Or that Lesina would be on her insta-story in a mask, gown and scrubs, ready to battle Covid-19? Too! Much! To! Process!

At least we still have each other. Let us take one more deep grasp of air and a hearty swig from the talking bottle – it’s time for the final rankings. Spoilers ahead obviously, Peter Pan. 

LESINA’S LADS

WINNER WINNER KFC DINNER: NOBODY????

That’s right folks, Lesina pulled a big old Honey Badger on us all and decided to come out of the competition with nobody. At least she had the grace to end it before the final rose ceremony, which also led to the most tragic shot in all of television history – Aaron walking away from her on Piha beach to clearly nowhere, his brogues clearly filling up rapidly with sand. 

Tbh, it seemed like things were doomed for Aaron the moment he said he wished he had Caribbean heritage because “I’d probably be a better dancer.” Lesina’s mum, who might be the number one mum in the rankings of all the cool mums (alongside Lily’s mum), did not let the comment go unchecked. “Bit of a stereotype,” she said. “but I’ll let it pass, because I am a great dancer.” 

After grilling Aaron for what felt like an hour, including asking him what the square root of 361 is, Lesina’s mum refused to even let the producers know what she thought of him. A mysterious icon, a walls-up wonder, a very clear blood relative of Lesina the question assassin. The Riddler could absolutely, positively, never riddle this hard. 

Aaron and Lesina had one more night together after a romantic date with some sticky old glow worms, but it was clear in Lesina’s frequently crying eyes that she had made up her mind.

Also, this giant butthole omen looming over AMOG didn’t help matters much either. 

As for poor Logan, he nailed the interview with the parents and even brought them a bottle of fancy champagne, which I’m sure will look good in their cellar of the finest vintage Grapetiser. He told them that he had a tattoo for every lesson he has learned in his life, and proudly showed off his ROCK and ROLL knuckle tattoos – a crazy fun thing to do for sure. 

On their final date they went paddle boarding before settling into a lovely meal of oysters and another round of maths. 

I guess rock and roll university didn’t have a maths course, because Logan came away from the night alone. She broke it off with him, he thanked her, and they went their separate ways forever. Brb just gonna blast ‘She Might Be The Girl’ all night long and cry into a big chunk of gouda. 

LILY’S LARRIKINS

RUNNER-UP: JESSE

Jesse and Lily got a chopper over to Waiheke to enjoy the finest wine that tasted just like “grandma’s apple pie” and Jesse was brave enough to put all of his feelings on the line. Sadly, it wasn’t to be. A shame, because I would have watched a sitcom that was just him putting his foot in it in front of Lily’s mum for hours and hours and hours. 

“It’s not about you,” said Lily as I cracked open another bottle of red and cried into my knitting, “it’s about us. And my heart is telling me it’s not us.” Lily sobbed in Art’s lap and I wiped my eyes on my cat, and it finally became clear why the proud sponsor of this show is called boohoo. 

WINNER WINNER KFC DINNER: RICHIE

Here’s another maths problem for you: if Lily’s love equals height over hug, then what percentage of obvious was it that he was the winner when Lily greeted Richie by jumping on him from atop this mighty park bench? 

Richie managed to not drop his crotch during the hometown visit, where The Mol (the only Bachelor mole I recognise) grilled him about having dated Lesina early on in the competition. He also did that annoying thing where you equate enjoying tidying up with having OCD, but otherwise escaped unscathed. 

Their final date was filled with sexy surfing, frankly hundreds of candles, and the last opportunity to ask the hard questions. “Have you ever been in love before?” asked Lily. “Just with my sewing machine and my creative side,” replied Richie, not even joking a little bit. 

Well, his beloved Brother™ will have to move over to make room in Richie’s bubble, because Lily told him he is the one she wants to have breakfast with. He pulled out a “yeah, nah, I like you” ring and they kissed atop an almighty hill. 

There was no final rose, but there never is. And with that, the first chapter of The Bachelorette NZ came to a close. That is, until the Men Tell All tomorrow night… stay tuned me homies. 

Keep going!
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ParentsMarch 30, 2020

Emily Writes: Why TV is the answer for working parents turned home-schoolers

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Tips on how television can help educate your kids, for parents who have to keep working.

It feels as if a great many parents are simply flourishing during this lockdown with fairy gardens, bird song and mason jars, daily bongo drum dancing and essays written by three-year-old prodigies about how satisfying it is to be in the relentless proximity of their family.

And here you are and it’s 9.30am and you haven’t showered, yet you’ve somehow taken more work calls than you would on a normal in-office day and your kids are screaming and your husband is trying to fix the internet connection.

It’s OK. Breathe. A great many of us are trying to keep our jobs and keep our kids occupied, while essential workers have to leave their younger children with their older children or neighbours.

I have a solution for this time in which you have to do as much work, if not more, and care for your children.

Television.

Start by ignoring all the parents who are so stimulated by how beautiful their lives with their children are right now that they’re gushing all over every social media platform. Be happy for them. Or if you don’t want to be happy for them that’s fine too. You’re not a saint. But move on. So what if they judge you? You judge them! Everyone judges each other – we’re all adults, just move on.

Don’t cover yourself in guilt. Just treat it like work and get on with it. This is no time for a pity party, save that for your bottle of wine when they’re in bed. Should you take mental health advice from me? No.

Then, get your remote – it’s going to be your best friend through this. Here’s what to watch, and activities to go with the shows.

Lego Masters USA, 7.30pm Thursdays on Three and on ThreeNow

Lego Masters USA

Our house stops for Lego Masters on a Thursday night. It’s so wholesome it’s like a basket of kittens in your lap and the kittens are mewling “hey friend, hey you’re going to be OK”. It’s everything you need at a time like this. Get your kids to watch Lego Masters then use the themes from each episode to create a masterpiece. You will judge. The child with the least impressive creation will be kicked out. As in the show, they have 15 hours. Make it count.

OK fine, nobody gets kicked out. The actual lesson? Get your kids to prepare a presentation for you about their creation. What inspired them, why they chose the colours or bricks that they did. Get them to share what worked and what didn’t for their build.

Blue Planet Revisited, TVNZ OnDemand

Hosted by Steve Backshall, beloved by mums everywhere, this two-episode Blue Planet spinoff explores the Great Barrier Reef then looks at how the Bahamas is a sanctuary for sharks. Get your kids to make a quiz together about sharks. They need to give you a five-minute wrap up of the lesson that covers the answers, then they quiz you.

Junior Bake Off, TVNZ OnDemand

The hosts of Junior Bake Off

The kids will love this because of the gentle humour and low stakes. Give the kids score cards and get them to write what they liked about every cake made. What values did the contestants need to get through the bake challenges? How does perseverance help? How do the bakers keep calm under pressure? What advice would you give them to help them through? Which piece of baking would you most want to eat?

How To Do Stuff Good, TVNZ OnDemand

How to do Stuff Good

Now the trick for this show is to ensure the kids know you’re not making all of this shit. Only some of it. So, the kids need to watch all of the episodes and then write down the thing they most want to make. Get them to think about what materials are available during lockdown. It’s a great chance for you to talk about how we all need to do our part – so do they really need to buy food colouring? Or should they just do Miles’ boring battery “tech hack” instead? If they don’t have the bits they need to do a craft, what could they use instead? They need to figure this out on their own and leave you alone because that’s an important part of doing stuff good.

What Now, TV2, 8.00am Sundays and TVNZ OnDemand

What Now

It’s the best show on TV and there are plenty of episodes online, all clocking in at a whopping two hours each. What Now is the perfect teacher. Last Sunday’s episode was typically excellent – clear, not scary information about Covid-19. There was no audience and the hosts explained why that was really well. The show gives great insight into the lives of kids all around New Zealand. ‘In my hood’ is a wonderful section that shows parts of New Zealand some kids may never have the chance to visit. ‘Hobbies’ profiles a different child each week – last week was a homeschooling surfer named Indica. I get my kids to watch it and then they can pick a bit that they want us to watch again together later. It’s educational enough that you don’t have to add activities to it.

Other TV ideas if you can access them

  • Mister Maker – insufferable shapes singing but the kids love it
  • The news – challenge is to see how long you can watch before you have a panic attack
  • The Casketeers – get your kids used to death
  • My World – a BBC news show for older children tackling big issues
  • Jay’s JungleJay Laga’aia is the balm you need in these difficult times
  • Deadly 60 – Steve Backshall and his big snake
  • Maia the Brave – homegrown inspiration for your little ones.
  • The InBESTigators – the kids on the show are annoying but your kids won’t be able to stop watching.
  • You Vs Wild – make Bear Grylls eat shit

Solidarity parents, solidarity. We can only fuck this up if we don’t follow the lockdown procedures. Your kids spending too much time watching TV is fine in the grand scheme of things. So don’t worry.

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