“All the teams want is a happy ending,” Mark Richardson announced, as he welcomed us to The Block NZ 2018 live auction. Speak for yourself, Mark Richardson. Tara Ward recaps.
I’ve watched over 54 hours of The Block NZ to get to this point. It’s auction night: I want drama, I want tears, I want The Wolf building the Sky Tower out of marshmallows and dry spaghetti.
It was the night of nights, and Mark was pumped. The teams arrived, grinning and waving wildly, each contestant as clean and shiny as a high-gloss set of kitchen cabinets. They sparkled like they had never sparkled before, and I felt as proud as if they were the fruits of my own loins.
Before the auctions, we visited the Hobsonville Point open homes, when every Aucklander queued for days for the chance to wander through a stranger’s house. The Wolf was there, probably shilling his Pinterest page again. People stared into Ben and Tom’s void and tried to see the future. “Gizzy hard!” they screamed. It was intense, and then Chlo and Tom stood on top of a giant wedding cake and Amy caught the bouquet and I have no idea what the heck this show is any more.
Back at the Grand Millennium Hotel, the people’s favourites Stu and Amy won both a golden hammer and a new Suzuki. Ben and Tom revealed the auction order, putting themselves first to score the biggest pool of buyers, followed by Claire and Agni, Stu and Amy, and Chlo and Em. “Save the best till last!” the girls screamed, and I began to sweat.
Ben and Tom had the biggest overspend of all the teams, but I was more worried about those giant rusty saws hanging perilously behind Mark’s head. Mark called Tom a Shetland Pony and Ben a skittery racehorse, and I love a bit of horsey chat as much as the next bloke but by this stage we were 40 minutes in and nobody had lifted a single paddle.
Ben and Tom finally broke the auction seal. Bidding began at $700,000 and climbed to $987,000, earning Ben and Tom a profit of $57,000. “This is the best thing I’ve ever done,” Ben said, before he galloped back to join the others.
Claire and Agni were next. “We’re leaving here improved, better, and more well-rounded people,” Agni said, and maybe The Block NZ really is the answer to all our problems. Bidding began at $850,000 and leapt to $950,000, giving Claire and Agni a $30,000 profit. The love flowed like Chlo and Em’s unblocked bathroom pipe, and Claire and Agni were stoked. I was stoked too, because that image of the lovely Agni getting stuck in the fourth bedroom will make me smile for the rest of my days.
It was time for the big one: Amy and Stu. They scored an average of 17.5 each week, and equalled the record for the number of room wins. Mark reminded us they were the oldest couple in the history of the world to go on television, and Amy and Stu got a wee bit emotional. The bidding quickly climbed past a million dollars, ending at $1,009,500. “For goodness me!” the auctioneer cried, and suddenly Amy and Stu were $69,500 richer.
Chlo and Em’s house was the last to be auctioned. They needed to make $70,000 to win, but bidding was slow. “Don’t leave me this way,” the auctioneer said, before bidding stopped at $921,500. Chlo and Em had danced their way to a profit of $11,500, which is enough for a night and a half out in Auckland.
Amy and Stu were announced the winners of The Block NZ 2018, and scored another $100,000 for making the biggest profit. They were shocked and stunned. “We’re super proud of us,” Amy said, while Mark and Shelley showered the teams in compliments.
The teams clapped themselves out, and Mark announced The Block NZ will be back in 2019. It’s a happy ending, indeed. God help us all.
Subscribe to Rec Room a weekly newsletter delivering The Spinoff’s latest videos, podcasts and other recommendations straight to your inbox.