Emily Writes is hungry so she wrote about sandwiches, the most perfect food in the universe.
My husband is a healthy-eating type of person which is quite grating, since I’m not. About a year ago he decided bread was bad and my life has been challenging ever since. I decided after a short January break where I ate three lunches in one day that I probably needed to start eating better. My husband was more than happy to facilitate this and before I knew it, my precious bread was gone.
Secretly I’ve been eating bread every time I’m not with him. The illicitness of the bread makes it even more delicious. I get the thickest, whitest death bread I can find and fill it with butter. Sometimes I gorge myself just on butter and bread. My love of sandwiches increases by the day. When I wake up I think about bread. When I sleep, I’m dreaming of bread.
Today I was daydreaming about bread, as I do, and I thought I should list the best sandwich fillings there are, in an attempt to not eat bread today. Instead, halfway through writing this I bought an avocado sandwich. No house for me!
Usually when I am caught out and need to buy a sandwich I will get it toasted – you need to fondle the bread yourself to make sure it’s soft enough if you’re going to eat it “fresh”. If it’s even slightly stale it’s a ruined sammy.
I don’t think I need to tell you how sandwiches are the perfect breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack – you know that. They are the perfect food because they suit every single mood. Sad? Cheese sandwich. Happy? Tomato. Hungry? Any sandwich. Five? Fairy Bread. It’s an underrated gift no matter who you are. Exhausted from work? Just make a sandwich, it only takes five minutes. Existential crisis? Sandwiches are available quickly so it doesn’t impact your “we are all going to die from climate change” anxiety spiral. Parent? Kids will eat sammies and you will too. My kids are obsessed with objectively the least good bit of the loaf (all loaf is good but there’s a hierarchy), which is End Bread. They will eat this with nothing else on it. Easiest dinner you can make, my friends.
So without further ado, here we go: the top 10 best sammies.
Butter and thick cheese and white death bread
Apparently the worst bread for you is the best bread. It’s white thick-cut toast bread, or Death Bread, as it’s referred to by many mean people. Butter it up, as thick as you can, there’s no such thing as too much butter. Then cut thick pieces of cheese and eat. Done. Perfect.
Avocado and egg on any kind of bread
Yeah, I’m a millennial. I’ll never own a house but I will eat as many avocados as I can. Avo on its own is perfect, of course. A little pepper and salt and it’s a dream come true. But add an egg and you’re in heaven baby. It doesn’t get better than that.
Tomato with shitloads of salt and pepper on grainy bread
You just can’t beat tomato and salt. It’s a perfect match, like Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and movies where his shirt gets ripped. Add pepper and some grainy AF bread and it’s a healthy snack that makes you feel super virtuous.
Marmite and ready salted chips
Some wrong people hate ready salted chips. Ready salted are the best kind of chips. Channel your inner stoned 15-year-old and put a heap of Marmite (or Vegemite if you’re weird) on some plain white bread and then add the crunch. Best washed down with blue Powerade.
Christmas ham and butter
The hardest thing about being a vegetarian is no ham. Over Christmas I slipped badly and my husband was like I don’t think you can say you’re a vegetarian since you just ate six kilos of ham. But what does he know. I’m an adult, this is my life.
Eggs, dill and mayo
Wow, what a fancy sammy. You are a step away from having your own Netflix cooking special. Look at you, you’re amazing. What a success you have made of your life. I’m proud of you.
Chutney, cheddar, crunchy lettuce and mustard
Oh, a CCCLM you say? The best kind, on thick brown bread. More wholesome than a Bob Ross orgy. You just cannot go wrong with this one. As long as the lettuce is crunchy. It has to be loud when you chew it or else all bets are off.
Cream cheese with anything
Choose your own adventure, my friends, but always start with cream cheese. If you have a tub of cream cheese, the correct ratio is half of that on one sandwich. Then you can add whatever you like because anything with cream cheese is good. I definitely am into cream cheese and asparagus and also cream cheese and beets and that might sound weird but have you tried it because if you haven’t you have no right to judge me OK.
Cucumber funeral sandwiches
It’s always sad when someone dies but do you ever think oh well at least I will get cucumber sandwiches? That’s how good they are.
Tuna and butter
Wow, controversial for the last one. I love tuna despite not eating any other fish. Weird, I know, but here we are and this is my list and it’s the hand who holds the pen who writes history or whatever so you can’t do anything about it.
The Spinoff Daily gets you all the day's best reading in one handy package, fresh to your inbox Monday-Friday at 5pm.