The Spinoff Hot Take Advent Calendar: December 19

Every day in the lead-up to Christmas, open the door to reveal a Spinoff writer’s short, sizzling commentary on a weighty subject. Our arbitrary and strictly enforced word limit: 365. Today: José Barbosa on the perfect milkshake.

Someone once said “only the madman is absolutely sure”. Well then I guess I’m eligible for in-home care because I will take the following beliefs regarding milkshakes to my grave.  

Firstly: there is no other flavour than chocolate. Strawberry is too sweet, lime can fuck off, creaming soda is a nightmare and anything caramel is like slurping up infected sick.

Secondly: no whipped cream, no pile of marshmallow bullshit, no chocolate sauce spunked over the inside of the glass. Milk, ice cream, syrup; that’s it. Freakshakes are perfectly named: they are abominations of nature.

What is this shit?

Thirdly: the milk must be cold, the colder the better.  

Fourth: The perfect milkshake can only be served in either a stainless steel milkshake canister or a ‘longest drink in town’ cup.

Fifth: don’t use ‘milkshake ice cream’, use real good quality vanilla ice cream. And don’t use too much. If I want a thickshake I’ll ask for one, you cunt.

Sixth: Don’t skimp on the mixing. Mix that little bugger up real good. The milkshake should be light and bubbly. A very easy thing to get right, but it’s something a lot of establishments fail at. Try harder. Be better.

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Seventh: Syrup or chocolate, however you do it, it needs to tread that fine line between sweetness and the all important chocolate taste. None of that American Hershey-esque chocolate taste thanks. Keep it European or pure New Zealand milk chocolate.

If you need inspiration or schooling, visit the two best milkshake wizards in the country: Crumb Cafe on Crummer Road, Grey Lynn, Auckland, and the Cozy Kitchen Cafe in Paeroa. Disturbingly, Cozy Kitchen has recently had a refurbishment. I nearly passed out from shock, but the milkshakes and cheese toasted sandwiches remain excellent.

Read the Spinoff Hot Take Advent Calendar in full here.


The Spinoff’s beverage content is brought to you by Fine Wine Delivery Co, which is completely and utterly devoted to good taste, whether it’s wine, food, craft beer, whisky, rum… Check out their website or pop into one of the two Auckland superstores.

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