Every day in the leadup to Christmas, open the door to reveal a Spinoff writer’s short, sizzling commentary on a weighty subject. Our arbitrary and strictly enforced word limit: 365. Today: Emily Writes on the Freakshake.
2017 might have been the year the “Freakshake” was born. But 2018 was truly the year this abomination became mainstream. The Freakshake, if you are lucky enough to not know about, is a hideous act of violence against the humble milkshake. It usually includes food items that have no right to be in a milkshake – donuts, WRAPPED chocolate bars, syringes and other offensive paraphernalia.
The Freakshake is an impossible to eat combination – possibly because you’re not meant to eat a damn milkshake you’re meant to drink it. It arrives in a hideous, melting mess – looking OK only as long as you can take a photo for Instagram – and then it ends, half-eaten in a vomitous pile of chocolate and unicorn cum.
This heinous mash-up of not dessert but not a milkshake needs to be stopped and I’m hopeful 2019 will signal the end of the Freakshake. The time of putting a GOD DAMN CAKE on top of a milk shake needs to be over. If I want a milkshake I want milk and a flavour and that is it. If you put ice cream in it I need it blended. I do not want, and have never wanted, a fucking lollypop in it, or a bloody shitting waffle, or a popcorn. What kind of monster thought it was a good idea to put popcorn in a drink? This madness has to stop.
I care not for the anti-sugar brigade who hate Freakshakes. I hate Freakshakes on their own merits. They are wasteful, ugly, pointless crossover drink sweets that nobody should be encouraging.
If we don’t stop this now, who knows what we will see in 2019? A hot dog deep-fried in a milkshake? A bag of mince sprinkled through? An ice berg lettuce perched atop a smoothie? This war on milkshakes must end. Milkshakes are the drink of your childhood and we must return to that innocence.
Just because you can violate a drink, it doesn’t mean you should. Bring back Plain Milkshakes 2019.
If you put so much as a pretzel on it I will riot.
Read the Spinoff Hot Take Advent Calendar in full here
The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.