‘Our kids went to the same school, we’d chatted on the playground, I thought he was sexy and seemed really nice and easy to talk to, so I asked him out.’
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Age: 51
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Straight
Ethnicity: Pākehā
Religion: None
Occupation: Researcher
Length of relationship: Eight years (but with a break of a year in the middle)
Children: I have two, he has two, none together
How we met: Our kids went to the same school, we’d chatted on the playground, I thought he was sexy and seemed really nice and easy to talk to, so I asked him out.
The best thing about my relationship: We both have really tried to show up for each other through some really difficult times. Mid-life is not easy, but we do the best for each other and try to be as honest and open as we can be.
A problem we can’t seem to resolve: We have different political views, which is an ongoing source of tension, especially as I am a very political person with strong views. We just don’t talk about politics any more.
This is how we share/separate our finances: We don’t live together and probably won’t for a long time yet, at least until all our children are reasonably independent and have left home. Our finances are therefore pretty much entirely separate. Going out and going away is split down the middle 50/50. We earn about the same amount of money, so it works okay. Financially we would be better off if we lived together instead of having two separate households, but moving in together doesn’t seem possible yet.
This is how we split chores and childcare: Because we live in separate households, this isn’t really an issue. He does all the inside chores at his house, I do them all at mine. He does help out with maintenance stuff and outside jobs at my place, more than I do with stuff at his. My teenager is the only one of the kids still living at home, and my partner helps sometimes with picking up and dropping off when I’m busy.
Our sex life in three words: Fun, loving and connected. However, it can be difficult to make time for it, as we are both very busy and we don’t live together.
The thing that makes me a good partner: I try to see things from his perspective and I make an effort to do things that I know will make his life easier.
The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: I can be too reactive – I need to be better at taking a moment before responding to things I think are unfair.
What I most appreciate in my partner: He is a truly lovely man, who has been through some really tough times. He really cares about people and always tries to do the right thing.
What I most resent in my relationship: Not exactly resentment, but the biggest difficulty we’ve had over the years has been the relationship between him and his children. It was partly why we broke up at one stage – he just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with them and manage a relationship. Things are easier now that his children are adults and have moved out, but it is still a source of tension between us.
The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: We’ve got much better at dealing with conflict and letting things go. To start with, we struggled to be able to repair things when we would fall out with each other. Now, we go easier on each other.
It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: How silly we are with each other. He is like an overgrown child in some ways and his sense of humour brings out the silliness in me, especially when it’s just us.
Our last big fight was about: Something to do with the kids probably.
If I hadn’t met my partner: Not sure – I may have ended up going on the dating apps and looking for someone there. Or I might have been happy to stay alone. Dating in your 40s and 50s is not for the fainthearted, so I feel lucky to have found someone who is really special.
I expect my relationship to last until: I think we’re in it forever now – we broke up a couple of years ago when things got really hard, but we managed to find our way back to each other again, so it feels like the rest of our lives now.
My relationship advice is: The older I get, the less I know. But try to be kind to each other as much as possible, and be willing to recognise and apologise when you haven’t been kind.
