The Spinoff knights meet at the television roundtable to discuss week seven on X Factor NZ: Streets Fruttare Sounds of Summer edition.//

Robyn Gallagher on the Spooky Haunted Forest

One of the big differences between X Factor and other TV talent shows is the staging. X Factor doesn’t just give its performers a few smooth moves and a microphone. Instead there’s some fancy staging – scenery, props, lighting and smoke!

Last year’s staging was mad and wonderful. In week seven the crew magically transformed a bunch of twigs and plaster of Paris toadstools into Jackie Thomas’ sexual forest of dad-pleasing seductive cabaret.

But this year’s attempts seem a little underwhelming. The worst was last week when Sarah Spicer was plonked on top of a platform and performed like she was nailed to the spot. Nah, that’s NZ Idol quality.

And then there was this week’s staging for Lili. She was surrounded by what looked like rented corporate HQ pot plants, with a swing in the middle, and enough swirling smoke to give it the atmosphere of an RSA in the ’80s. It didn’t help that Lili’s vocals weren’t at their best, with the performance coming across like a swingin’ 1970s housewife putting on a misguided birthday show for her husband. Lili rightly ended up in the bottom two. Dammit, X Factor. I want better than this.

The staging of the show was only saved from being a total mess by the ever amazing Brendan Thomas and the Vibes, who just showed up with a crazy hat, some dancing girls and a light show and everything was ok. Maybe it’s all in the vibes.

Joseph Harper on pre-X Factor #HatBeard

I found a professionally produced music video from ~2012 for a track which indicated Tonks’ virginal attempt at pop stardom. The song is called ‘HEADSPACE’ which is weird and cool. I thought it was a great find that I could share here, but unfortunately, by morning the video had been taken down from Vimeo. It’s pretty likely I’m the only person in the country outside of the Tonks support circle/youth group to have seen it.

That’s a screenshot from it. The obvious best bit is that it’s Stevie before he wore a hat and grew a beard. I reckon he looks like one of those classic roundfaced/big receder All Blacks* and tried my best to figure out which one but struggled. He also wears maybe this exact pair of sunnies at one point. It rocks.

I thought it was too bad the vid got taken down, because it kind of gave a good foreshadowing to those who vote for him, of what the Tonks era might look/sound like. So I ripped the audio off of his old soundcloud page and made a new video featuring slow mo footage of Anton Oliver, Josh Kronfeld and Christian Cullen running in some cool tries. Cheers.

*Obviously I realise now he’s a ringer for Wayne Rooney/Seamus from Harry Potter, but I already sunk a lot of time into the cool balding rugger vid.

Josh Davis on Current #Hatbeard

Hatbeard is truly very bad and I can’t believe no one else sees it. I feel like the protagonist of a psychological thriller where I’m trying to convince everyone that my stepdad’s been the killer the whole time, but no one believes me. What do people see when they see Hatbeard? Because I see a man wearing douchey hats, popping off douchey finger guns, with a douchey grin on his face. A MAN WITH NO REGARD FOR THE PERSONAL SPACE OF THE GODDESS MEL BLATT.

I also see a man who, in lieu of actual talent or charisma, just sings real hard (but not well) and is for sure going to have a brain aneurysm on live telly. Do we really want to expose our children to an on-air death?! Do we want the live audience to be struck by a flying, blood-stained hat when his head inevitably explodes? Is that the only way you’ll all see how wrong you are? Why don’t you believe me?!

Angella Dravid on Hat-Tipping Fare Thee Well

Talia Smith on Another Fare Thee Well Conspiracy

My latest conspiracy theory: Fare Thee Well are a cult and they will eat our souls.

This week saw the use of brightly coloured, blow up, beach balls to distract the audience and the viewers from the scary truth. Behind their too perfect smiles and dead eyes lies a dark demon, lying in wait. If you watch their previous performances and play them backwards a dark voice can be heard “YOUR SOULS ARE MINE”. Fare Thee Well are merely puppets, each week slowly hypnotising the New Zealand viewers with their bland, middle of the road, inoffensive performances. Lulling us into a false sense of security until the time is right.

You have been warned (again).

Calum Henderson on the X Factor B-ball Jerseys

Catching a fleeting glimpse of Beau wearing a Vince Carter Raptors jersey was a big highlight this week. Really perfect jersey choice. Beau is undeniably the Vince Carter of X Factor NZ.

What Hardwood Classics do you think the other contestants have in their closets? Let’s get #WhatNBAJerseyDoYouThinkTheXFactorNZContestantsWouldWear trending.

Joe Irvine – Glen ‘Big Baby’ Davis Celtics jersey
Sarah Spicer – Dennis Rodman Bulls jersey
Mae Valley – matching Kevin Durant / Russell Westbrook Thunder jerseys
Steve Broad – Kevin Love Cavs jersey
Hatbeard – James Harden Rockets jersey
Lili – Metta World Peace Lakers jersey
Nyssa – Kemba Walker Bobcats jersey
Finlay – Kyle Lowry Raptors jersey
BT & Thee Vibes – Dikembe Mutumbo Nuggets jersey, Hakeem Olajuwon Rockets jersey, late era John Stockton Jazz jersey
Fare Thee Well – all three members crowd into one 3XL JJ Redick Magic jersey

Alex Casey on Fruttare Fashions

Ah, summer. If one thing screams summer to me, it’s choking down a Streets Fruttare in the middle of a rainy autumn day. What I admired in the live shows was the unwavering commitment to summer looks and trends, brought to you all by Haus de Fruttare. Left envious of the swanko looks, I have made a “get the look” for all your favourite summer X Factor looks, just in time for winter:

Jack Riddell on Being Bored

X Factor took a weird and unexpected turn this week. The Streets Fruttare-themed live show was dancing, meets beach balls, meets inappropriate touching, meets some Palangi ruining arguably the best Rihanna song. By far the most exciting talking point from this week’s episode was Dom Bowden wearing Daniel Bedingfield’s shorts. If you missed this week’s ep, I envy you.

Sure, there were some impressive performances – but for every Nyssa, there was a contestant like Beau, let down by their mentor’s song choice yet again. Seriously X Factor, have you not been receiving my letters? The blame rests squarely on Natalie Bassingthwaighte’s relentless positivity and Shelton’s scary eyebrows and fear of sleeves. Since they’ve been on the panel, all of their acts have gone down the toilet quicker than a vote for the Ban 1080 party. Bad song choice after another dumb, confusing, senseless comment – everything that was mildly interesting about the X-Factor has become painful and cringe worthy, all thanks to some ex-Neighbours actor and some guy who used to date Nicky Watson.

Can I have 16+ hours of my life back TV3? I won’t sue if you put Thingee in Dancing With The Stars.