The Spinoff knights meet at the television roundtable to discuss week nine on X Factor NZ, featuring the shock elimination of Finlay and Joe.
Calum Henderson on 50 Shades of Broad
I love the Invercargill sexyman Steve Broad. I love his damp charisma, his done-in confidence, the fact that X Factor is the third(!) reality singing show he has appeared on. I love his very basic but effective gimmick of always singing songs originally sung by women, and I love that he’s flat out identified his target demographic as lustful mums. He is a classic journeyman who seems to have finally found a market.
We got a clearer picture of his grim niche this week when he switched the sex of the ‘Blank Space’ lyric to sing “Girls only want love if it’s torture”. So so dark considering he’s a bloody school teacher! But one so committed to fulfilling his destiny that he’s seemingly willing to risk his registration to become (this is 100% going to be the title of his first album) “50 Shades of Steve Broad”.
I don’t think it worked though. Sung by a man, “Girls only want love if it’s torture” just sounds like a bitter caveat on an online dating profile. Keeping the line “Boys only want love if it’s torture” would have left it ambiguous, self-effacing, playing into his doubts and vulnerability.
My theory is that Mel, not Steve, is responsible for this decidedly unchill rewrite. Introducing this excellent YouTube cover of Robyn’s ‘Dancing On My Own’ he writes: “Hate changing lyrics, so I didn’t.”
Listen to him wail “I’m in the corner / Watching you kiss her” – it carries so much more weight than if he’d heteronormalised it. I think Steve is more nuanced, more complex than anyone – particularly Mel – gives him credit for.
Renee Church on Don’t Forget the Lyrics
This week turned into a full on rip off of Don’t Forget The Lyrics (which was a fine show, with a fine host.) So of course I’m going to start this off with a sick MS Paint edit of Dominic Bowden and Wayne Brady.
For some reason, a hand full of the contestant could not for the life of them remember the lyrics to the most popular songs in the world right now. Lili forgot a line, which was cool, but she had the look of impending doom on her face when she did so. (That makes me feel real sad) because she kinda nailed it anyways.
But, can I have a brief moment of your time to talk about our Broad-and-Savior, Steve Broad, who didn’t just forget-these-lyrics, he made up A WHOLE NEW VERSE FOR ‘BLANK SPACE’. This guy needs a writing credit y’all. So without further ado, here is an official pin-up of Steve Broad’s improvisation for the ladieesss:
Duncan Greive on The Perfect Exit
Josh Davis on Farewelling Joey Irvine
Joey. My sweet, sweet, Joey. What a journey you’ve taken us on and honestly, it’s hard to believe it’s over.
You came into our lives an emotional, warbling, lip-quivering mess and immediately endeared yourself to the nation. Sure, people will remember you mostly for the Kills-Moon fiasco, Lorde’s cupcakes and Ed Sheeran’s supportive tweet. But to those of us who have slogged through this god-awful show (for the last *checks watch* 17 millenia, it feels like it’s been longer than that) you have been a shining light. An authentic, kind-hearted dude who was just fuckin’ chuffed to be there.
I will miss you, Joe because, as your good friend Lorde encouraged you to do, you’ve been yourself. You’ve cried, fixed cupboards (oh how you’ve fixed cupboards), interrupted conversations with your very loud singing and performed a duet with yourself. You’ve stuffed a whole lot of living into the last few months and seemingly made lasting friendships (shoutout Hilary Barry).
And we’ll always have Thailand:
Goodbye, my friend.
Natasha Hoyland on the Dominic Bowden Murders
The following is an excerpt from a fan fiction entitled ‘Part 1: Jealous’ from The Dominic Bowden Murders:
“I turn my chin music up and I’m puffing my chest…” Steve Broad sings to a reflection of himself in the bathroom mirror while he shaves. Surviving another week, he’s quite pleased with himself. “I’m getting red in the face, you can call me obsessed…” he belts, drying his face on the only clean towel he’s able to find. The rest had been used up to dry up Joe Irvine’s tears as they said goodbye to him earlier in the afternoon.
He stops singing all of a sudden as he hears the bathroom door creak open. He turns around but sees nothing out of the ordinary, apart from the now slightly open door. He stares at it, confused, then turns around again to continue his bathroomly duties.
“It’s not your fault that they hover…” He continues, only to be disturbed once again by the creak.
“I mean no disrespect,” Dominic Bowden says as he enters. Steve jumps a little, startled by Dom’s sudden entrance.
“Hey man! You really gave me a fright there!” Steve laughs, trying to play off the fright he had just been given.
“It’s my right to be hellish,” Dom says, inching closer to Steve. Steve laughs nervously, really confused by the current situation. “Well, I guess you do have a right to be. They aren’t really paying you that well are they…” Steve begins, trying to joke around. But Dom’s sense of humour is nowhere to be found. He grabs Steve by the neck and slams him against the wall.
“Ah, Dom! Go easy mate, I was just kidding! I’m a teacher!” He says, holding up his hands. Dom glares at him, continuing to hold him down. “This isn’t about the money, Broad. This is about a woman. My woman” he says, holding Steve down again as he tries to escape his grasp…
Click here to read the rest of this scintillating fan fiction.
Jack Riddell on the Future
Back to the Future 4: A disappointing look at X Factor NZ contestants in 2025.
Brendan Thomas and the Vibes
Drank cactus juice on Desert Road in November 2019. Have not been seen since.
Mae Valley
Living in Hamilton.
Dominic Bowden
Dom becomes immortal after an encounter with a voodoo priest whilst in Haiti on a Hallenstein’s ad shoot. He now walks the earth, satisfying his thirst for mortal souls and interviewing celebrities for Sky.
Stan Walker
After eating a radioactive Tuatua fritter, Stan Walker becomes Stan The Man, the world’s first-ever superhero.
Nyssa Collins
Nyssa becomes Stan The Man’s sidekick to help avenge the death of Finlay Robertson by Stan The Man’s arch nemesis – The Public Vote.
Lili Bayliss
Joins a cult in Nelson. Doing ok.
Beau Monga
Becomes a better version of Benny Tipene.
Stevie Tonks
Stars as ‘Jesus’ in the world’s longest running production of Jesus Christ Superstar.
Steve Broad
After being voted Invercargill’s sexiest man for 9 years running, he marries Alysha from The Bachelor NZ, and then becomes mayor of Invercargill after killing Tim Shadbolt – Highlander styles.
Angella Dravid Has a Query
Dear Nyssa
I liked your lipstick. What shade and brand is it?
Sincerely,
Your fan.