It’s about time to start adding Christmas pies to your shopping trolley. But with a variety of options on the shelves, which ones can you trust? Our panel of festive experts put a bunch to the test.
Nothing marks the festive season quite like the reappearance of one of the most contentious of Kirihimete staples: Christmas mince pies. The miniscule vessels of crumbly pastry filled with spiced and booze-laden fruit mince are to some a sacred delicacy, and to others simply abhorrent.
The recipe for what we consider a modern Christmas pie has its roots in Middle Eastern methods of cooking, which often combined meats, fruits and spice. That combination later became popular in the middle ages in England where actual meat, like mutton, beef, rabbit, pork or game was minced and incorporated with chopped fruit and preserving liquid into sizeable oblong pies. Centuries later, we’ve dropped the savoury meat part of the whole situation (although kept it in the name), reduced the size and wrapped them up in mass-produced plastic packaging.
All that is to say, the Christmas pie landscape in 2022 is a complicated one. And in the midst of skyrocketing food prices, we thought it would be helpful to taste what’s on offer and report back so you don’t waste your time on any duds.
This year’s festive panel was made up of The Spinoff mince tart aficionados Stewart Sowman-Lund, Jane Yee, Madeleine Chapman, Samuel Robinson, Calum Henderson, Sacha Laird, Alex Casey, Toby Morris and Ben Gracewood.
The pies from New World (online order) and Pakn’Save (instore) were purchased independently, whereas Countdown had coincidentally supplied their selection to us earlier in the week. Our collection of pies was limited to supermarket varieties of “Christmas pies” under $10. Each of our seven pies were tested by our panel after lunch and all were tasted blind and in random order. Because these pies varied from the reliably traditional to the wildly unorthodox, we scored these in terms of how we’d feel about serving them and eating them on Christmas day.
This inventory in no way represents the entire Christmas pie scene in Aotearoa. We apologise for any favourites that were missed (Consumer NZ also published a Christmas mince pie ranking today, featuring an almost entirely different field of candidates) but it is a hectic time of the year. All we want for Christmas is for you to not be disappointed in your pie purchases, so here are some ranked from worst to best.
7. Zesti caramel Christmas pies 140g
$2.99 from New World
“Ohh, oh no,” grumbled Chapman after the first bite. “That’s bad, real bad,” she continued. While some on the panel (curiously) detected hints of apple, pear, fig and “muesli bar”, there was a unified sense of unease when it came to these tiny and decidedly un-Christmassy Christmas pies. For some, they went too far beyond the definition. Sowman-Lund put his foot down: “You cannot call it a Christmas pie if the filling is caramel”. Across the panel, there was a general sense that these so-called Christmas pies were simply freeloading on the back of the “Christmas pie” label without doing the hard yards of actually mincing any fruit. Perhaps Gracewood summed it up best: “I suppose I just have to ask, why?”
2.8/10
6. Pak’nSave fruit mince tarts 6 pack
$4.49 from Pakn’Save
Despite their heartily traditional appearance, the best-value option on the list failed to win over the hearts and minds of our panel. Their problems ranged from the too-soft pastry, which Chapman described as “sinking into my teeth rather than crumbling”, to the filling – “too much gravy in this one,” scolded Yee. Laird was also on the too-much-gravy train: “My cat would be pleased with that, but not me.” Morris offered a lone dissenting voice, describing these pies as “pretty classic”, while for Sowman-Lund they seemed to induce some kind of bleak existential crisis: “I don’t feel anything,” he sighed.
5.7/10
5. Countdown Christmas mince pies apricot and brandy 4 pack
$5 from Countdown
Breaking from tradition is always a risk, at Christmastime even more so. Unsurprisingly, opinions were varied on these oddly amber-tinged tarts. The untraditional flavour profile was compared to that of “the orange stuff from a Choco-ade,” by Laird, while others were enraged by the entire concept. “This one is so fucked, it’s like a bakery apricot slice,” thundered Gracewood. “Don’t put holly on it and call it Christmas,” he added in reference to the festive flourish on the pastry lid. Still, some in the group found egalitarian value imbued within the tarts. “It feels like what you’d give to a child as a gateway Christmas pie,” mused Henderson. And with true Christmas spirit, Yee remarked, “I feel really good about it, it’s inclusive”.
5.8/10
3= Countdown Christmas mince pies summer berry 360g
$6 from Countdown
“This is the butter chicken of Christmas mince pies,” opined Yee of this sweet offering. “Definitely one for the spice-averse,” concurred Henderson. Notes of berry Fruit Bursts were detected by Chapman, who “quite liked” the unique take on the recipe. Not everyone agreed: “Yuck,” remarked a taken-aback Casey. “It’s watery and I don’t see a lot of fruit bitz,” she added, stressing the Z in bitz. To Gracewood, the pies lacked a certain festive je ne sais quoi: “This just doesn’t speak Christmas to me”, he lamented. “I just want normal,” demanded a fed-up Sowman-Lund. “When I’m told I’m having a mince pie I don’t want to be surprised!” Much was made of the star cutouts atop these tarts, with Morris applauding their “cool”-factor and sagely noting that “being able to see what’s inside is pretty key”.
6.2/10
3= Zesti Berry Christmas pie 140g
$2.88 from New World
A cacophony of conversation was sparked by these berry-filled pastries. “That literally tastes like a Shrewsbury biscuit,” shrieked a shocked Sowman-Lund said after his first nibble. Was that a good thing? “No.” The filling was described as “contemporary berry” by Yee, but to Morris there just wasn’t enough of it. Instead of focusing on taste, Chapman got stuck into the structural integrity of the pies, lamenting the “weird gap inside them” and explaining that “they’re quite annoying to eat because they collapse under the pressure”. More than any other pastry sampled, the berry Zesti seemed to inspire philosophical reflections from the experts. Robinson was moved to consider the pie’s whakapapa: “It has a Christmas pie start, and then dials more into its berry origins in the end.” Gracewood saw comparisons to the “uncanny valley” phenomenon – the unsettling feeling that some people experience in response to not-quite-human looking artificial intelligence. “This is the uncanny valley of a mince pie,” he surmised.
6.2/10
2. Zesti Traditional Christmas pies 280g
$4.99 from New World
These tarts were tinged with cloves, cinnamon, and deep-seated feelings of mistrust. “I’m suspicious of the closed top,” said Henderson at first sight. “It’s disconcerting eating a Christmas pie without seeing inside”, agreed Sowman-Lund. Despite its opaque exterior, words like “pleasant” and “normal” were thrown around the room post-tasting. There was a distinct “lack of tang” according to Laird, and Morris thought the filing seemed “a bit stingy”. And while Chapman found the experience closer to a shortbread than a pie, she was complimentary of the pairing of crunchy pastry and soft fruit. “This is exactly what I’d expect from a mince pie,” said Samuel. “I appreciate a hefty raisin”.
7.7/10
1. Countdown shortcrust traditional fruit mince pies 360g
$5.50 from Countdown
“Real Christmas pie heads will appreciate these,” assured Henderson, before sharing a harsh truth with the group: “in general, the more traditional and authentic [the pie], the less delicious it is”. The majority of the panel were impressed by the fine lattice detailing on top and the level of fragrant spiciness. Minor quibbles included “a weird runny texture” and “crumbliness rather than crispness”. Both Morris and Gracewood suspected they had encountered this pie before. “I think I know this one,” said Morris. “I know it’s a Countdown brand,” followed Gracewood.
“Not too fancy, just does what it needs to do” – something we should all aspire to this Christmas.
7.9/10