‘Tis the season for festive fizz, but what if you’re not drinking? There’s plenty on offer beyond Grapetise these days – we delved in to bring you the best and worst.

We’re smack bang in the middle of the most liquor-soaked period of the year, with more Christmas parties, boozy barbecues, New Year’s piss-ups and general merriment than you can shake a candy cane at. It’s a hard time to be teetotal, or even just to give your liver a break every now and then.

But the recent proliferation of zero-alc beverage options, and the increasing normalisation of non-drinking in our society, makes things easier. We’ve ranked non-alc beer (multiple times) and non-alc spirits, but what about the most festive beverage of them all, sparkling wine? Champers sans alcool, as they say in France (or don’t, more likely, since boozeless bubbly is probably illegal there) was unheard of just a few short years ago, but these days any supermarket or liquor store worth its salt will stock at least a couple of options. 

We gathered 19 different fizz varieties from 13 different brands. A panel of six tasters (all women, which was unplanned and a little embarrassing) tried each wine blind and gave each a mark out of 10, which were then averaged out to give us this, The Spinoff’s boozeless bubbles ranking, from worst to best. Thanks to The Chiller, Hancocks, AF and Lion for supplying their wines. 

19. AF Sparkling Red 

$24.95 from af-drinks.com and selected supermarkets and liquor stores

1.16/10

AF is a New Zealand company that has recently branched out from non-alcoholic RTDs (which by all accounts are pretty good) to two limited-edition sparkling wine-esque offerings that contain, like the RTDs, a magical component called “Afterglow” that’s supposed to “mimic the pleasant warmth of alcohol”. Sparkling red wine, served chilled, is relatively rare in NZ but quite popular in other parts of the world, so kudos to AF for giving it a go. But, sadly, we weren’t fans, with the overall score coming out to a dismal 1.16/10. “Medicinal” and “artificial” was the general vibe: Liv Sisson compared it to Berocca, while Lyric Waiwiri-Smith got cough syrup. Maybe that’s the Afterglow?

18. Brown Brothers Rosé Prosecco Zero

$15 from New World (also available at other supermarkets and liquor stores)

2/10

On first glance, Gabi Lardies liked the bubbles of this Australian drop – ”they’re really popping off!” – but it was all downhill from there. Anna Rawhiti-Connell detected chlorine on the nose, and the taste wasn’t much better: “chemical”, she said. “Quite bitter,” added Gabi. “Yeah that’s gross,” concluded Alice Neville.

15= AF Sparkling Rosé 

$24.95 from af-drinks.com and selected supermarkets and liquor stores

2.66/10 

AF’s other vinous option did slightly better than its rouge counterpart, mainly via Lyric being an outlier and enjoying it, but feeling it should “rebrand as an RTD”. Liv got RTD vibes too, comparing it to “an upgraded Cruiser”. She, being American, also felt it invoked Jolly Rancher candy, while Madeleine Chapman brought in a local reference and said it tasted like a raspberry drop lolly (number four on her 2020 ranking, btw) dumped in a glass of fizzy water, but bad. Soap was another reference point among the tasters. 

15= Banrock Station Sparkling Zero 

$13-$14 from Liquorland, Super Liquor etc

2.66/10 

Another Australian offering, this one had a straw-like colour that Alice appreciated but Lyric said “looks like piss, man”. As for the taste? “Bottom-shelf Jacobs Creek,” Lyric reckoned. Liv got pear cider, while Anna said it was “too fizzy” and Gabi got a “strong yucky aftertaste”. “Weirdly sour, but not in a good way,” reckoned Alice.

15= Lyre’s Classico Non-Alcoholic Sparkling Wine

$20 from Farro and selected supermarkets and liquor stores

2.66/10 

Lyre’s is an Australian non-alc spirits brand that impressed us in 2022, but perhaps it should stick to the hard (but not actually hard) stuff. This drop also vibed lollyish, particularly the blue ones your mum told you to stay away from, reckoned Liv. “It has a fake lolly smell and a weird gross bitterness,” said Alice. “There’s something wrong with it.” Lyric felt it was like if Pals made wine, while Mad got hints of rosewater. Anna detected “bellini on the nose”, then felt it headed into Japanese RTD territory – the peach Kirin Hyoketsu, to be precise. For that, she gave it a 6/10, much more generous than the rest of the tasters, but not enough to lift Lyre’s above 15th equal spot.

14. Lindauer Free Rosé 

$18-$20, widely available at supermarkets and liquor stores

3.33/10

Shockingly, this boozeless version of the beloved Kiwi fizz is more expensive than the classic Lindy, and not nearly as yum. There was very little flavour to it at all, but a lot of bubbles. Anna detected a little bit of fruit and found it “inoffensive”, while Gabi noted a touch of sweetness. “Not a lot going on,” said Liv. “I keep drinking it to try to get to the taste,” added Mad. Gabi reckoned she’d chuck a strawberry in and it wouldn’t be so bad. 

13. Thomson and Scott Noughty Sparkling Chardonnay

$25 from The Chiller

3.66/10

This one boasts a lot less sugar than most non-alc fizz, according to its blurb on The Chiller, and it was indeed less sweet than many we tried. “Astringent and sour but not in a good way,” said Alice, who also didn’t enjoy the “texture”. Mad and Liv felt it was a touch spicy. “Close to being good but missing the key taste,” added Mad. Lyric felt it tasted like real wine, “but like a really cheap headachey wine”. Anna described it as “weak”, reckoning it was akin to the skin of a squashed grape chucked into a glass of soda water. “There was lots of flavour at the tip of the tongue and then nothing,” said Gabi.

11= Brown Brothers Prosecco Zero

$15 from New World (also widely available at other supermarkets and liquor stores)

3.83/10

This fared a little better than its pink BB sibling languishing at the bottom of this ranking, but Liv got Jolly Rancher on the nose again. Super fizzy to the point of being “foamy”, the texture was off for Alice, and Anna detected a “weird mildew” character. Lyric, however, deemed it “inoffensive”, while Gabi reckoned it improved with every sip.

11= Lindauer Free Brut 

$18-$20, widely available at supermarkets and liquor stores

3.83/10

There was much discussion of this one’s aroma, with Lyric reckoning it was “getting into piss territory”, while Anna felt it was more “like an annoying wet dog in your car”. On tasting, the first hit for Anna was “fungal”, while Gabi got “fancy French cheese”, Liv got “wet hay” and Lyric got “battery acid”. “I don’t mind it!” exclaimed Alice, quickly following with “Oh, maybe I do mind it.” Mad said she could “maybe believe it was a real wine, but not a nice real wine”.

10. Edenvale Alcohol Removed Sparkling Shiraz

$15-$18 from selected liquor stores

4.33/10 

Another fizzy red, this one very Ribena-esque in appearance and very Grapetise-esque in taste, by an Australian company that just does booze-free vino. Lyric thought it smelled like “bad decisions”, while Anna felt it would be lovely over ice with a slice or two of orange, topped up with Aperol, Campari or L’Opera (which would, of course, make it alcoholic so perhaps defeat the purpose). Gabi found it a touch astringent but said “at least it has flavour”, declaring it “drinkable”. Lyric said it was “quite heavy for something without alcohol”, with Liv opting for “syrupy” and “like it could maybe stain your teeth”. “I don’t mind it,” said Alice, while Mad thought it belonged firmly “in the juice family”.

8= La Gioiosa Zero Alcohol Sparkling

$20 from The Chiller

5.16/10

This Italian drop from a traditional prosecco maker was quite pleasant but didn’t taste a hell of a lot like wine. Disconcertingly clear, it smelled like grape juice and tasted like flavoured water, “but at least it’s a bit hydrating”, said Lyric. “If I was served this I wouldn’t think it was in the wine family,” said Anna, adding that she could drink it if she was hungover. “It’s a tasty fizzy drink but not a bubbly,” concluded Alice.

8= Edenvale Alcohol Removed Sparkling Rosé 

$12-$15, widely available at supermarkets and liquor stores

5.16/10

This pink drink was very pink, which divided the tasters. “It’s like Glinda from Wicked in a glass,” said Anna. “I don’t mind the taste, but I’m offended by the colour,” she added. None of us minded the taste, actually, with Mad describing it as “inoffensive”, and Gabi “quite good”, while Alice felt it was a little too sweet.

7. Giesen 0% Sparkling Brut 

$17 from New World

5.5/10

This one from Marlborough winery Giesen poured a nice golden colour. ”It looks like it has potential,” mused Mad. The flavour wasn’t bad either, with Lyric saying “it’s giving wine” and Alice adding “I quite like the sourness”. That flavour disappeared pretty quickly though – “at the back of the throat, it’s water”, reckoned Anna.

6. Edenvale Alcohol Removed Sparkling Cuvee

$12-$16, widely available at supermarkets and liquor stores

5.66/10

“It tastes cheap but at least it has a taste,” said Gabi about this one, with Mad adding, in a confusing jumble of negatives, “I like that, it does not taste not like wine.” Liv got hints of Scrumpy, with Anna the least complimentary, comparing it to “sort of weird grape juice”.

5. Plus & Minus Zero Alcohol Prosecco

$15 from Farro, also $12.95 at Moore Wilson’s and stocked at various liquor stores

5.83/10

This Australian number was subtle, even “insipid”, as negative Nev (Alice) put it, but Anna found it to be “the winiest” of the ones we’d tried at that point. “It’s not too sweet, I could drink this for a while,” she added. “It’s flavourful enough that I’m like, ‘it’s good’,” reckoned Liv, while Mad mused that its character came from the “lack of a bad thing, rather than the presence of a good thing”.

4. McGuigan Zero Sparkling 

$14 from New World, also $13.50 at PaknSave and stocked at various liquor stores

6/10

Lyric liked this one, saying, “I could sit at a family function and drink this and feel fulfilled.” High praise indeed. Everyone else was in agreement that it was “fine”, but no one was inspired to wax lyrical. “Not bad,” said Liv – that about summed it up.

3. Tread Softly Everything Except Prosecco

$14 from Farro

6.2/10

“This one’s OK,” said Gabi. “Still a bit watery, but I could sip that and pretend, lie to myself,” reckoned Mad. Anna said it had “actual wine flavour, like a piss-weak pinot gris”.

2. Darling Cellars (DC) Dealcoholised Sparkling Rosé 

$20 from The Chiller

6.5/10

Coming all the way from South Africa and taking out our second spot was this pink number that reminded Liv of Lindauer, “in a nice way”. Anna detected freshly cut summer’s grass on the nose, adding “there’s something more interesting going on”. “A bit sour, a bit like cider,” mused Gabi, with Alice noting a pleasing astringency. 

1. Oddbird Alcohol Free Spumante Sparkling Wine

$26 from The Chiller

7.33/10

Sweden isn’t exactly known as a winemaking hotspot, but they’re very good at churning out oat milk and score consistently high in the quality of life stakes, so that’s gotta count for something. Anyway, what we’re trying to say is that our number one non-alcoholic sparkling wine comes all the way from the Nordic nation, though it’s made with glera grapes from Treviso using traditional prosecco methods. “It’s got lovely light bubbles,” said Anna, with Mad praising its texture. “This could pass as real,” added Gabi, with Alice agreeing: “Yeah that’s fine, I could drink that.” “Not too sweet,” murmured Mad. “I could sip on this at a Christmas party.” That, in essence, is what we were searching for: thank you, Oddbird, the deserved winner of our non-alcoholic bubbly ranking.