Heartbreak Island throws the kitchen sink at the traditional dating show format – but why doesn’t it ever have a bloody laugh?
The Lowdown
Way way back in 2017, TVNZ announced that a new dating show called Heartbreak Island would be washing up on our shores – an “original” and “locally developed format” that definitely didn’t just copy Love Island’s homework and change it a little bit. You take your sexy singles, chuck them on a giant foot-shaped island and force them to couple up and compete in increasingly absurd challenges, eventually unscrambling a poem to win $100,000. (Move over, The Block NZ.)
The first season was marred with controversy for its shallow Tinder-inspired selection method, which got hosts Mark Dye and Matilda Rice in a spot of bother. It launched Harry Jowsey onto our screens, who went on to star in Netflix series Too Hot to Handle, launch a massive YouTube channel and open an online merch store which I won’t encourage you to visit because it comes up with an warning message that hackers may be trying to steal your information.
Season two in 2019 also aired on TVNZ, and was most notable for having a contestant named Eden Dix. It also introduced the nation to Alex Vaz, who would go onto star in The Bachelorette NZ and Dancing With the Stars NZ. This year, Three announced that it was resurrecting the format with an exciting international cast and a brand spanking new host in Clinton Randall (fresh from hosting Dancing With the Stars NZ and concurrently hosting The Masked Singer).
The good
Trawling through reality talent pools from exotic locations such as the UK, the US and Australia means that producers have raked in a truly thrilling smorgasbord of accents for S3. There’s Shamar Sinegal, a chiropractor from Texas. Tiarne, a hair salon coordinator from Melbourne. Kieran, a postman from London. Together, they meet at a long table and drink piña coladas and call each other fake. The United Nations who? There’s also a strong showing from New Zealand, including much-needed comic relief and relatability from Aucklander Ashleigh Williams.
What else is really, really, really, really good about Heartbreak Island is the theme song. Written by locals Nic Manders and Luke Oram, and voiced by X Factor NZ finalist Finlay Tate, RNZ could certainly learn a thing or two from Heartbreak Island, if you get what I mean. Imagine if Morning Report opened with: “I’m looking for a Ha-ha-ha-heartbreaker, but I’m ready for love. Just want to make the high life summer last forever, yeah I’m ready for love.” Perhaps the second-best reality theme song behind Bachelor in Paradise.
The not-so-good
Too! Many! Elements! Eliminations happen during the “Passion Play” where contestants can choose to “stay, stray, or play” from their partner by swiping a giant iPad. Whichever gender gets to choose first is chosen by a sexy golden sundial with naked shapely lads and ladies on it, and the order is then decided by who did the best in the challenges that week. Thankfully the challenges are extremely normal, including eating pizza with toothpaste and wasabi dolloped on it, and having to twerk puzzle pieces out of a giant peach emoji strapped to your ass.
All of this sounds kinda funny, but weirdly nobody involved Heartbreak Island ever has a laugh. Host Clinton Randall plays it so sincerely throughout everything from “passion plays” to “sunset swaps” that you almost feel like the show itself is gaslighting you (another dating show trope I’ve picked up is using “gaslighting” to describe absolutely anything you don’t really like or understand). If Love Island’s Iain Stirling has taught us anything, it is that dating shows can still work in earnest while having someone actively making fun of them the entire time. Perhaps it is time to bring Bill Kerton back to narrate?
The verdict
Perfect to have on in the background when you are cooking dinner, but not a dating franchise that is going to fill a rowdy pub anytime soon.
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