As the reality TV juggernaut returns for a new season, Tara Ward steps into the minds of the show’s relationship experts to assess the compatibility of this year’s brides and grooms.
Married at First Sight: Australia returns on Monday night, and by season ten, you’d think the show’s relationship experts would be able to identify two compatible Australians with their eyes closed. MAFS is the reality series where 20 unlucky-in-love singles meet their alleged perfect match for the first time at the altar, having been paired up with a stranger by love gurus John Aiken, Mel Schilling and Alessandra Rampolla, and an extremely scientific process involving an iPad, a piece of clothing and several saucy pheromones.
Despite the show’s low success rate and nine chaotic seasons of hornbags, heartbreak and toxic behaviour, Australia’s hopeless romantics continue to place their faith in the experts. But how hard is it to marry off a bunch of strangers, really? We dusted off our lab coats to match up this year’s contestants, based solely on the details supplied in the official press kit. The science is clear, our predictions are in, may we all live happily ever after.
Claire and Cameron
Excuse me while I mop up my tears with my chandelier veil, but Cameron’s backstory will hurt your heart like a plate of Pasta a la Troy. Cameron – who lives 600km from a grocery store, I’m ugly crying now – was once heartbroken when he took his love some flowers, only to discover her affections lay elsewhere, perhaps with a man who lived closer to a Night ‘n Day.
The experience made Cameron go “out bush” for the rest of his life, which is probably where he’ll find Claire, a kindergarten teacher who loves motorbikes and camping. No word on whether Claire likes flowers, but she does have a Holden Kingswood tattoo, which is pretty much the same thing.
Alyssa and Josh
Single mum Alyssa is originally from Utah and is looking for someone over six feet tall who will cry when she walks down the aisle. What luck! Josh loves Disney movies so much he named his two kids after his favourite characters, and will probably sob-sing the entire Frozen soundtrack before, during and after the wedding ceremony. See, love really is an open door.
Melissa and Dan
We are gathered here to marry Melissa, a hairdresser, to Dan, a semi-retired (fancy way of saying “part-time”) businessman who claims the only thing missing from his perfect life is Mrs Right. Melissa is comfortable with her sexuality and wants a sexy man to keep up with her, and Dan has a Porsche 411. Vroom vroom, you two!
Bronte and Ollie
Ollie reckons he’s confident, charismatic and mature beyond his years, while Bronte says she “loves to love”. Ollie wants an independent woman, Bronte wants someone who can hold a conversation. With expectations this low, there’s no way this match can fail, so congratulations to you both.
Melinda and Layton
Melinda is a CEO of a beauty business and Layton is the CEO of something made-up called “biotech” and together, they will be very busy and important. Layton does have a tendency to put work first and Melinda doesn’t suffer fools, but come on! They must love doing stuff on computers and spinning around on an office chair, and this is what destiny looks like in the year of our Lord John Aiken 2023.
Lyndall and Adam
Lyndall describes herself as a risk-taker who “grabs every moment by the horns”. She wants a partner who lives his life the same way, which is why Adam is perfect for her. Yes, he says he’s cocky and confident, but he wants someone as mature, honest and open as he is, and probably just as modest. Together they will grab the horn in every moment, which is the true foundation for any successful relationship.
Sandy and Shannon
Sandy grew up upholding the strict traditions of her Indian family, and has never been in a serious relationship. She trusts the experts to match her with someone compassionate, which is why they should consider personal trainer Shannon, a “sensitive soul who just wants to be loved”. Also, their names sound cute together, which is exactly the sort of scientific shit the experts go wild over.
Caitlin and Harrison
High fives for this couple. Make-up artist Caitlin has really high standards, while builder Harrison admits he sets his bar for love “ridiculously high”. If both these hopeless romantics have such high expectations, then neither can be disappointed, right? That’s how science works, right? Our hearts have never been fuller.
Janelle and Duncan
Janelle wants a man to start a family with, but admits she’s a “handful” in relationships. “She’s bossy, clingy, short-tempered and ridiculously picky,” her official bio explains, just in case we’re unsure of what “handful” actually means. That’s why Janelle should get hitched to Duncan, a regional director who “appreciates women on a deeper level”, whatever that is. I can see no problems with this match whatsoever, and will be taking no further questions.
Tahnee and Jesse
Please walk through this parade of red flags to meet Jesse, an extremely fussy groom who has an extensive list of female turn-offs, including “wine snobs” and “gym junkies”. Tahnee is a PR manager who sounds like an angel, and truth be told, they matched simply because they were the last bride and groom left on my list. That’s romance for you, MAFS AU style.
Married at First Sight begins on Monday 6 February at 7.00pm on Three and streams on ThreeNow.