It’s time for a new season of Dancing with the Stars, which means it’s time for a bananas new high-budget Dancing with the Stars promo clip. Sam Brooks examined it in great detail.

It’s been three years since the nation’s favourite celebrity prancing show has graced our screens, and while I’m sure many people are looking forward to seeing the stars tango, cha-cha and rumba their way across a West Auckland studio lot, I’m most excited because a new season means a new promo.

Dancing with the Stars notoriously goes all out with their promo clips. They’re glitz, they’re glam, and they’re delightfully earnest. This year’s is no different, and I’m delighted to give you a play-by-play of the most recent one, featuring nine celebrities, a shitton of sand and exactly one llama.

0:01 – A man makes his way across a desert (or beach), while the opening strains of ‘Dance Off’ by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, featuring Idris Elba and Anderson Paak play. Did you know this is a song where Macklemore raps about his penis size being inadequate compared to his grandfather’s? Well, now you do. Whoever edits these promos wisely did not include that part of the song.

This man is shortly revealed to be…

0:05 – Clinton “Clint” Randell, third place finisher of the last season of Dancing with the Stars, co-host of the new season of Dancing with the Stars).

0:10 – He crawls hungrily/thirstily across the desert (beach) towards a woman and a llama. Fun fact: llamas do not live in deserts, or on beaches. This woman is shortly revealed to be…

0:14 – Sharyn Casey, Dancing with the Stars stalwart and delightful co-host, in a glamorous dress. She points in the direction, I assume, of the stars that Randell is hungering/thirsting for.

0:15 – This llama lip-syncs “Dance Off”! Do you think Idris Elba knows that his voice is coming out of a llama’s mouth?

0:19 – Brodie Kane (Fair Go presenter, podcaster, definitely dancing on real sand).

0:22 – Eli Matthewson (comedian, two t’s, definitely dancing in front of a green screen).

0:27 – Sonia Gray (Lotto legend, luminous, lunging on real sand).

0:31 – David Letele (boxer, definitely green screened, maybe throwing real sand).

Read more: Meet Dancing with the Stars’ celebrity contestants for 2022

0:32 – Rhys Mathewson (comedian, one t, definitely somehow tap dancing on real sand).

0:34 – Oh hell yes! This is the sandless Dancing with the Stars that I love! The teaser switches to this very familiar parking garage, which is where I imagine they keep the celebrities between live shows, forever practising their sambas and salsas.

0:36 – A befuddled Clinton “Clint” Randell, still hungerin’ ‘n thirstin’ in the desert (beach).

0:37 – Rhys Mathewson (still a comedian, still one t, now mopping the floor via a presumably difficult high kick).

0:38 – Jazz Thornton (mental health advocate, bestselling author, owner of two eyes).

0:40 – … and also the owner of a body, an undeniable asset in a dancing competition.

0:45 – Eric Murray (gold medallist, rower, not risking seven years bad luck by opening his umbrella inside).

0:49 – Kerre Woodham (media personality, Ready Steady Cooker, smiling bravely in the face of seven years bad luck vis a vis opening umbrella inside).

0:50 – Alex Vaz (Heartbreak Islander, blue steeler, going to catch a cold if he doesn’t put a shirt on).

0:53 – … and maybe hit his head on the lights! Be careful, Alex Vaz.

0:54 – For a third time: Rhys Mathewson (comedian, one t, bravely facing the same direction as Kerre Woodham vis a vis bad luck via open umbrella inside).

0:58 – Randell walks.

0:59 – He stumbles.

1:00 – He falls.

Not pictured anywhere? Hannah Tamaki, thank Christ.

Dancing with the Stars will air later in April, and you can bet your life we’ll be publishing weekly rankings.

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