It’s only week two, but already our fans and faves are feeling the strain. Tara Ward power ranks.
Like a pair of Josh Kronfeld’s undies sent out to sea, our Treasure Island castaways have found themselves bobbing around on choppy waters. This was a tense week that saw one contestant sent to join the opposition camp, two Joshes eliminated and six celebrities get super excited over some cold McDonalds. It also rained for three days straight, which is good for the garden but not so good for famous people trying to look composed on the telly.
Luckily, there’s nothing in this silly little game that a six pack of nuggets can’t fix (or is there?), and seeing Dame Suzy Devoy twirl in a flowy kaftan until she gets dizzy should brighten anyone’s bad day. Let’s spin straight into this week’s power rankings.
ELIMINATED: Josh Kronfeld
Some people walk in the rain and others just get wet, and the rest eat lettuce while their teammates engage in high level strat chat. “You guys are worried about the wrong things,” Kronfeld told the Faves as they planned and schemed, but then Matty blindsided Josh with an elimination nomination and Josh probably wished he hadn’t paid so much attention to his salad. The All Black was farewelled in the traditional manner, by sending his dirty undies out to sea. RIP to us all.
ELIMINATED: Josh Oakley
Josh Oakley was named after Josh Kronfeld, so it’s fitting that he left the game straight after his namesake. Josh O almost beat Art Green in the elimination challenge, but he struggled to roll some balls into a jar and then his whole game was over. Now Josh is sad and his mum Susan Devoy is sad and it’s been pissing down with rain ever since, so make of that what you will.
12. Katie Middleton
Chaos energy from Katie this week, as she threw traditional strategy into the lagoon and started playing her own game. Instead of voting for Josh as captain like she promised, Katie voted for herself, which is a cracker of a tactical move – but only if you remember to tell other people to vote for you as well. Look, Katie’s determined to have a lovely time, and you don’t have to be a dame in a kaftan to know that sometimes that’s all that matters.
11. Dave Ward
Wardie won a hectic game of charades, but opted not to compete in a face-off challenge because he had sunburned shoulders. See? This game really does hurt, especially if you don’t have a sun-smart hat like Jane Yee.
10. Alex King
A tough week for Alex, who was banished to the Fans camp in an unexpected Matty McLean power play, despite not wanting to leave the Faves. Things started awkwardly with the Fans, but eventually Alex started having a great time. By “great”, I mean “less sucky”, but at least she got the fire going and helped Wardie find his first mystical rock, so I think everything’s fine now? It’s fine.
9. Joe Cotton
This slip-and-slide queen wasn’t afraid to tell Susan Devoy off for breaking camp rules, even if it was a chat so tense that I felt awkward in my own home. She also wasn’t afraid to drop another surprising nugget of truth, which is that a McDonald’s meal reward does not cheer up a bunch of soggy celebrities like you might think it would.
8. Adam O’Brien
He’s just one man, playing this game with an overwhelming sense of loathing, waiting for a miracle to wash up on shore.
7. Lana Searle
Thank goodness someone is prepared to ask the big questions in this unyielding contest of power and strategy.
6. Art Green
Big week for Big Art. He ate McDonalds for the first time in three years, inherited Josh Kronfeld’s mysterious rock, and beat Josh Oakley in the elimination challenge. Is The Bach between a rock and a hard place? Sources say: yes.
5. Dame Susan Devoy
A lot can change in one week on Treasure Island, and nobody knows that better than Dame Suzy D. Last week:
Susan Devoy is a smooth criminal, who – much like a pair of Josh Kronfeld’s gruts – was born to be free. She was given a “first and final warning” by host Jayden Daniels after he discovered Susan was visiting the Fans’ camp, and after her second infringement, Jayden made the entire Faves team give up their food rewards. Matty scolded Suzy D like she was a naughty schoolgirl, but excuse me, your honour, my client pleads innocence, mostly because she doesn’t give a shit. Instead, please refer to this lovely moment of The Dame wafting around in a kaftan, a la Lynette Forday.
4. Anna Thomas
New Fans captain Anna isn’t afraid to make waves, which is handy when you live on a beach. One minute she was upset that Josh didn’t like her, the next she was mad that Josh built a big fish jigsaw by himself, then she was annoyed that Jane told the Faves all the goss about the captain’s vote. Being captain is tough, but imagine how hard it was being that big fish puzzle. That fish has seen some things, and I’m not just talking about Josh Kronfeld’s undies.
3. Lance Savali
He won $5,000 in the charity challenge, but mostly won hearts and minds with this endearing wet weather ensemble. Bravo.
2. Jane Yee
If this was a power ranking of hats, Jane would win every week. If this was a power ranking of winks, Jane would smash the competition into smithereens with a single crease of one eyelid. Sadly, this is a power ranking of power and last week’s captain is now this week’s team player, forced to keep her new captain on side while continuing to scheme with Matty and Lance through a complicated series of winks and nods. Nancy Wake could never.
1. Matty McLean
Dame Suzy D wasn’t the only rule breaker this week, because Matty McLean looked The Bachelor dead in the eye and told a bold-faced lie. Legend has it that lying to Art Green makes your soul shrivel up and turn paleo in an instant, but Matty did it anyway, even trying to throw a challenge so the Fans would win and then nominate Art. He lied, he schemed, he blindsided his teammates. Matty McLean is living his best life on the beach of dreams, even if Suzy D did lose the Faves all their biscuits and tuna.
But canned goods aside, Matty McLean was power personified. He’s discovering new sides to his game, like during the challenge when Dame Suzy D screamed at Matty until he found muscles he didn’t know he had, and together they pushed a pole so hard that the Fans eventually self-combusted into pieces of sand, never to be seen again. A truly heartwarming moment, and that, my friends, is power.
Treasure Island: Fans v Faves screens Monday to Wednesday at 7.30pm on TVNZ2 and streams on TVNZ+.