Love never fades, and neither does the desire to go on TV and marry someone you’ve never met.
As a new season of Married at First Sight: Australia begins, a fresh group of unlucky-in-love singles are preparing to wed someone they’ve never met. They’ve placed their trust in the show’s three relationship experts – John Aiken, Mel Schilling and Alessandra Rampolla – to find them their perfect match. Will they find love? Probably not. Will this be the type of controversial television that you can’t look away from, even though you hate yourself for watching? Most definitely.
So much love, so much drama. Like marriage itself, MAFS is a big commitment, and if you don’t want to spend six hours a week watching strangers pashing, The Real Pod’s weekly recap is the answer to your marital prayers. This is a journey that shouldn’t be made alone, and The Real Pod wants to lead you through it. To paraphrase MAFS groom Andrew when he met his new bride: The Real Pod has gotchu.
Oh, MAFS. We can’t defend or condone it, so all we can do is watch and discuss it. We’ve put on our best hat and perused the official MAFS biographies, so let’s meet the 16 horny, hopeful singles who have nothing to lose but their dreams and their dignity.
The couples:
Brent and Tamara
Tamara will tell anyone what she thinks of them, but all Brent wants is a cuddle. “I would like to be the little spoon sometimes,” he says, and honestly, how hard is it to find a wife who moonlights as a big piece of cutlery with well maintained feet? “If she doesn’t have nice feet,” Brent’s bio says, “it might very well signify the end of the relationship!” That’s teaspoons for you, always obsessed with the little things.
Selin and Anthony
Single mum Selin wants a man with “a head firmly on his shoulders”. She’s in luck, because MAFS have matched her with Anthony, a man with both shoulders and a head. Anthony is a tall, semi-pro wrestler who’s looking for a Morticia to his Gomez. Will Selin will be the Hulk to Anthony’s Hogan? Will she be the Bush to his Whacker? That’s all I know about wrestling, so we’ll leave it there.
Domenica and Jack
Domenica has been married before, but the experience hasn’t put her off finding true love. She’s not afraid of conflict and wants a man who creates the right chemistry in the bedroom. Chuck on your lab coats, the scientist of love is about to kick this experiment off.
Jack, meanwhile, is described as “the peacemaker with a moral compass”. Peacemaker? Moral compass? What is this, The Great British Bake Off? Fly high, you adorable duo.
Ella and Mitch
Ella hasn’t been in a relationship for nine years, but she wants a man who isn’t closed off or lazy. Mitch has no idea what he’s looking for, so he’s putting all his trust in the experts to match him with his perfect woman. Oh Mitch, haven’t you seen this show? Those experts know less than we do. God speed to you both.
Holly and Andrew
Holly wants a baby as much as she wants a husband, and her official bio describes her as “emotionally raw and vulnerable”. This means she has a lot of feelings and should run from this experiment quicker than Domenica the Chemist can turn on her Bunsen burner.
Groom Andrew is a motivational speaker/personal trainer who’s been divorced twice, which makes you wonder how successful his motivational speeches really are. He doesn’t want too much in a partner, just a woman with a good sense of humour, and “good banter is a must”. Banter! Till death do us part.
Selina and Cody
Selina worries about not meeting her parents’ high expectations, while Cody wants a woman who understands he doesn’t like PDA. For the lovers at home, PDA stands for ‘displays of affection’. It also stands for ‘personal digital assistant’, but who would hate one of those? Not Cody, that’s for sure.
Still to be matched:
Olivia
Olivia’s had bad luck with blokes in the past, but she remains a true romantic who likes knitting and staying in on Saturday nights. Hold the phone John Aiken, I think I just found my perfect match. Knitting is cool, and so is solitude, and as for knitting in solitude? Let’s just marry ourselves and live happily ever after.
Samantha
Samantha has “a strong and independent spirit” but her workaholic tendencies leave no time for romance. She wants a man with similar ambition and confidence, and she has high standards. She’s come to the right place, because MAFS has standards too. Remember Troy and his meal of mince? Standards on a plate, right there.
Jackson
Larrikin, Jackson be thy name. This groom is a plumber who loves to have a laugh, and he’s a sucker for a girl with nice eyes and a smile. I love to laugh when I get an invoice from my plumber, because it costs HOW MUCH to fix a leaky tap? Oh, let’s all laugh together.
Al
“Everyone loves me,” 25 year old Al says, which is a bold opening for someone who has never been in a relationship and whose mother still does all his cooking, cleaning and washing. Al hopes new bride will ground him, but I just hope he learns how to put on a cold wash.
Married at First Sight screens on Three on Sunday-Wednesday nights, and on ThreeNow.
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