Alex Casey tackles the fourth week of The Bachelor NZ, including The Others, an elephant and a dramatic injury.
Honestly, put me inside an egg and soak me in horse pee for 100 days if this wasn’t the best week of The Bachelor NZ so far. In his own words, Zac’s whole world has been turned upside down, he’s been blown out of the water, there’s a spanner in the works, the goalposts have shifted, he’s been thrown a curveball and there are three completely new cards in the deck but he’s just going to play the cards he’s been dealt.
In short, there are three ENTIRELY NEW women in the game and it is cause for A MODERATE SENSE OF ALARM.
BECAUSE NOW EVERYONE IS MAD AT ZAC, WHO HAS TO BE GUILTY FOREVER
NO MATTER HOW WELL HE POPS A MANU
OR HOW WELL HE EATS AN OLD EGG SOAKED IN HORSE PEE BECAUSE THIS IS FEAR FACTOR NZ SUDDENLY
AND WE DON’T EVEN HAVE SAVAGE FRIGGIN’ NINA TO ‘AVE A LAUGH WITH ANYMORE!!!
Much like the cheap cocktails that once resulted in me gently holding a monkey’s hand thinking it was a human in a Koh Samui nightclub, the drama came in absolute BUCKETS this week. But who will reach the top of the slippery rock of love? Let us press go on our in-flight injection seats and find out.
1) Lily
Like Annie, plucked from the plague-ridden dustbowl of economy to go and sit with Zacky Warbucks in business class on their flight to Thailand, Lily continued to charm. She reclined her seat, she wore her fishnets and she tried to steal Zac’s watch. I’m just sad this didn’t happen:
But the moment Lily shifted to the business class seat in the power rankings was when Zac returned her sexy lil flirty-questions-on-thigh trick back to her at the cocktail party, resulting in this weird Memento move.
Bloody oath.
2) Sarah
Zac was impressed with Intruder Sarah’s “eloquent” pin dive, and she squirrelled away a rose faster than you can say “Viarni 2.0”. Also she’s a fucking under-30 who owns a home so probably time to give her an OBE on a bed of smashed avo and be done with it?
3) Hannah
Hannah and Zac bonded like spaghetti to a Prime Ministerial pizza base this week, as they found common ground in their sporting pasts, their similar life stages and their matching cursed medallions that will surely unlock a black hole when connected.
On their weird quad bike date, Hannah latched onto Zac’s back like a Koala (be careful imo) before giving him a creepy slow back tickle in what has to be one of the top ten funny shots of the series.
She got a big slopper of a kiss and a flaccid hibiscus flower (clearly the intern forgot to bring the rose), so Hannah is safe as houses till David Farrier busts her illegal tickle racket.
4) Claudia
There was an elephant in the room this week, and I’m not just talking about the lovely décor.
Claudia needed to get it off her chest that she… had added stuff to her chest. She revealed that the last time she was in Thailand she had a boob job, to which Zac barked “I TOALLY RESPECT THAT” before doing a massive manu straight to heaven.
5) Karina
The second of The Intruders, Zac described law student Karina as “dream girl beautiful,” a phrase he hasn’t uttered since the last time he saw the beautiful hull of a kayak crashing through the crest of an Orewa Beach wave. Karina is composed AF, confident in jandals and somehow makes bare feet seem like a glamourous date option. What kind of sorceress…
6) Viarni
Tfw you were the frontrunner the whole time but now Lily has absolutely slayed her way to the top out of nowhere and there are three new women who Zac seems to like a lot and you aren’t even allowed to eat your bodyweight in cheese and bread to make yourself feel better.
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7) Rosie
Zac took Rosie on a single date to a romantic Thai waterfall this week, bounded up the rocks like an overly-excited Labrador and demanded that she follow him. She’s not the most co-ordinated of the bunch – weird for an ex ice skater? – and slipped and hurt her knee. I don’t know, the date was about as exciting as corn on the cob.
8) Vanessa
The final of our intruders, Vanessa is an only child who has been married before and looks more like Amy Schumer than Ally to Dunst or Dom Bowden to Slender Man. She’s clearly taken the Matootles memo of wearing lucky orange, donning both the dress, the top and the orgy of giant fish on her single date.
But is she nice? Seems like… no
Please let the producers keep her around long enough to #disrupt #the #narrative but not so long that she does another comedy special because nobody needs more of that.
9) Molly
Like any regular human, Molly did NOT take the news that there were intruders in her house very well at all. Pray for mole imo.
10) Bel
Bel is simply not okay.
11) Ally
As much as I admire those who devote the literal skin off their backs to The Bard, I have a feeling that Ally’s free lawn meditations have got to be coming to an end soon.
12) Jess
After her fusspot rejection of almost every delicious Thai ingredient in the cooking challenge, I think it might be time for Jess to make like the ends of my hair and… split.
HONOURABLE MENTIONS
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Who wore it best?
Return of The Mike?
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