Alex Casey delivers her (possibly) final power rankings for The Bachelor NZ. With a winner decided, it’s time to rank the greatest moments of the final week in paradise.
We made it guys, finally tottering along the sandy shores of love to the finalé. And what a finale episode it was – like the producers just whipped out everything they had to put on a tremendous show. Gongs. Jewellery barons. Incontinent koalas. It was there all. Oh, and the winner of course.
Congratulations Matilda on securing the final rose. Did I say rose? I meant comedy-sized ring. Hilariously huge ring. Hope you’ve been drinking loads of milk to strengthen those bones because that sucker looks weighty. But with a great ring comes great hardship – namely the fact that I can no longer power rank anymore. Sorry for your loss Dani, but remember that the finale meant sadness for us all.
So with that, it’s time to bring in Arthur. And/or my final power rankings of the best moments from the final week of The Bachelor NZ 2015.
1) Loose Unit Koala
At the zoo, Matilda and Art shared an intimate conversation over a cacophony of koala farts. Unhappy with not having his butt opinions heard, Happy Jay the koala proceeded to crap INTO Matilda’s bellybutton. The moral here? Never wear a midriff top to a Koala encounter. Or, maybe, never go to Australia. The rivalry lives on.
2) “Oh my God”
The moment Art revealed that he is not the perfect specimen of masculinity, but in fact a little old lady in prosthetics. Dani had just told him that she has fallen in love with him, and Art nailed the response even more than if he had said “thank you”, Ryan Atwood-style. More breathtaking than The Notebook.
3) Michael Hill Lizard
Who better the help Art chose the “will you maybe be my girlfriend one day” ring than Michael Hill himself. The diamond baron flew all the way out to the Gold Coast with a trunk full of ornate rings to help out our main man. Mikey Hill himself has been married for 50 years, and told Art that the secret to marriage was to “do stuff together”. I’m just disappointed we didn’t get a cameo from Sir Charles Snack Yoghurt or Dame Diana Revlon.
4) Art’s Mum
As Dr Hook (a prominent part of my Bachelor experience) once said, “crazy eyes, moving across the floor got me wanting more, crazy eyes.” Art’s Mum’s eyes had all the blue vibrancy of Poppy, and all the erratic twitching of the Whitcoulls Santa in its final moments.
5) Art makes Alysha soup
“Wine is antioxidants” Art yelled, pouring wine into the tub like a rapper with a hit single hitting the strip club. Adding oils like crazy, it seemed like less of a relaxing soak and more of a jus preparation.
6) Art eats a plastic stick
Art ate a plastic stick.
7) Best adapted screenplay
Kudos to whoever wrote Art’s script for the final rose/huge ring ceremony. Pity it’s taken from this scene in Iron Man 2 though. Derivative.
Almost the return of Black Doris, another blonde-haired beauty voiced their own confusion about a luxe fruit-based product. On their final date, Alysha had all eyes on the condiments as she chugged a beer and requested a Ted Talk from Art about the mysterious product. Informative though, we weren’t all born with a silver spoon of quince paste in our mouths.
9) Middle finger to Michael Hill
Matilda flips him the bird.
10) Art uses his words
They clearly only had a scriptwriter in for the finale, so Art was left struggling big time on the faux-Venetian gondola with Matilda.
The journey has ended, but it doesn’t have to end for you. Please enjoy our Fantasy Suite podcast below, or click here to read the rest of our coverage of The Bachelor NZ