Image: Archi Banal
Image: Archi Banal

Pop CultureOctober 12, 2022

Celebrity Treasure Island power rankings, week six: Chris Parker is back, baby

Image: Archi Banal
Image: Archi Banal

Get in here you lot, it’s week six of the Celebrity Treasure Island power rankings.

Any week that sees Chris Parker wash up on Celebrity Treasure Island’s shores has got to be a good one. Last season’s winner returned in a box and left floating on a cloud of juicy secrets, spending the day making smoothies for Team Kuaka and learning about Jesse Tuke’s knowledge of the treasure. Chris arrived with one mission and one mission only, a terrifying challenge that only the brave should attempt:

Chris was a tasty seed in CTI’s smoothie of drama, and this was a bumper week that saw our castaways suffer more wind and rain, the most budget prize ever (seemingly the leftovers from the crew’s lunch), and a captain’s challenge so boring that everyone talked about what flavour of pie they ate instead. Also, Susan did the splits. Release the balls, let’s roll into the rankings.

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Eliminated: Te Kohe Tuhaka

TK’s CTI journey was as intense as the tide, deep as the ocean, hard as a plank bed. Everything he said was poetry, the type of timeless wisdom you’d get laser cut into little wooden letters so you could put them on your bathroom wall and feel smarter when you left than when you went in. Sadly, those elimination challenge balls got him good. It was another cruel reminder that the balls always win, and there’s nothing any of us can do about it.

Eliminated: Shimpal Lelisi

Everybody loved Shimpal. He was the only thing Susan and Melodie could agree on, but his fate was sealed when he put himself up for elimination. Those balls got him good too, and although everyone cried when he left, Shim Shady was stoked. He’d made some great friends, he worked on his tan, he’d had a lovely time. What more do you need?

The rest

11. Perlina Lau

Perlina is playing a dream game, seemingly doing very little and making zero tactical moves yet still in the running to take out this whole competition. A hero for the ages.

10. Karen O’Leary

Loves a sausie roll, loves a splash in the shallows while her team wins a challenge in deeper waters. In the words of CTI megafan Lady Gaga, “in the sha-ha, sha-ha-llow, in the sha-ha-sha-la-la-la-llow”.

9. Dr Joel Rindelaub

No rapping from Dr Joel this week. Is that a good thing, or just symbolic of the general decline in civilisation? You decide.

8. Elvis Lopeti

Elvis and Joel have a tight bond, with Elvis bringing the good doctor into the sibling alliance as “Weird Uncle Joel”. It was all happy families until the pair played chess together, and then Elvis unleashed his inner maverick. This is a man who plays by his own rules, and chess can suck it. Bravo.

7. Siobhan Marshall

Stand down Tiger Woods, we have a new golfing icon in our midst. When Siobhan hit a hole in one during the charity golf challenge, her team celebrated like she’d just dug up Jesse’s treasure and Chris Parker was hiding inside with half a cucumber and a pāua pie. “This is my most favourite moment ever,” Siobhan cackled, still enjoying her all inclusive stay at this two star resort.

6. Cam Mansel

He’s no longer captain, but nobody’s more relieved than Cam himself. “I don’t like power,” he said, but who does these days? Decision making can get in the sea.

5. Melodie Robinson

In the words of Dr Joel, Melodie has “a smile on her face and death in her eyes”. Someone call Healthline to discuss, but now that her only Kuaka ally Shimpal is gone, Melodie knows she needs to reach the merge to survive. Or will she just spend the rest of the game looking for a clue in the sand that Ron definitely didn’t put there for her? Someone should ask Healthline about that too.

4. Dame Susan Devoy

Alert the governor general, send a telegram to the king and tell Dylan Schmidt to get off his trampoline, because Dame Susan Devoy just did the splits on national television. Kuaka lost the plot this week by playing “Big Bootie” like their arses depended on it, and then Suzy D busted out her best shock and awe dance move.

While the Dame sat prone on the sand, Cam said it was the best thing he’d ever seen and that he had to “go wees”. Then Susan suffered a mysterious rash that she believed was an allergic reaction to liars (currently on hold with Healthline to confirm), and sobbed when BFF Shim went home. Hell of a week. 

3. Ron Cribb

Tip your pastry hat to Big Ron, who smashed his way through a challenge, broke his oar into pieces, and devoured a pāua pie so quickly that he had to take to his bed for the afternoon. Thankfully Ron now has TK’s clues and an alliance with Courtenay and Melodie, which should treat him a lot kinder than that pie ever did.

2. Courtenay Louise

Courtenay continues to powerhouse through the game, winning challenges and clues with a feverish intensity that we haven’t seen since Dylan Schmidt set eyes on that rebounder in week three. However, she caused ripples of discontent when she gave the power of immunity to Melodie rather than someone in her own team. Too bad, so sad, pie lovers!

1. Jesse Tuke

Where to start with Jesse this week – this Zoolander impression, perhaps?

Or this booty-smacking incident?

Or this chaotic yet endearing pigtail situation?

Tuke’s lurking game is over. Somehow this butt smacking, blue steel genius has bewitched his team into giving him – already the most powerful player in the game – more power by voting him captain. Jesse knows where the treasure is, he’s a physical threat, and now he can’t be eliminated. Every hour is the Jesse Tuke hour of power, and these clowns are letting him charge up on their dwindling batteries. But also, pigtails!

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Celebrity Treasure Island screens Monday-Wednesday nights at 7.30pm on TVNZ 2 and streams on TVNZ+.

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