Pop CultureSeptember 29, 2021

Celebrity Treasure Island power rankings: Let the feminist uprising begin


Our favourite celebs continue to battle it out, as one player grows even stronger and the others eat bread with their feet. Tara Ward power ranks.

Welcome back to week four of celebrity school camp, and to another bumper week of tactics, tense conversations and toe bread. Repo continued their winning streak, Daddy Buck took charge, Richie continued to be both hero and villain and only one celebrity went home. In the words of our lord and saviour Matt Chisholm, it was “a tough old ding dong battle”. 

Ding dong, indeed. Let’s crack into another week of power rankings, where the ovary alliances are strong and the budgie smugglers are even stronger.

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JJ Fong

JJ put herself out there this week, and what did she get in return? A lovely trip home. After a quiet CTI experience, JJ went out with a bang by volunteering for the elimination challenge against Lana, building a tower that fell at the last second. She may have lost the challenge, but JJ won our hearts with her final words: “cook your own rice, bitches!” 


13) Sir Buck Shelford

Sir Shelford is growing on everyone, and everyone’s falling a little bit in love with Sir Shelford. Does that put the All Black legend any higher in these terrible rankings? No. This week Sir Buck enjoyed himself as a wise man leading a group of loveable idiots who lapped up whatever knowledge “Daddy Buck” threw their way, and his friendship with Chris was an absolute delight. Yes, their relationship is built on Chris ordering Buck to “wedge the ‘D’ between your legs” and Buck showing Chris how to pass a rugby ball, but worlds collide, full hearts, everyone’s a winner.

I mean, look at this beautiful moment when the two new friends enjoyed a heart to heart as the sun went down:

It’s like they’re in Summer Bay, and Buck is Alf Stewart and Chris is a local ragamuffin who needs a bit of guidance and some early morning shifts at the surf club and he’ll grow into a fine young man. We need more of Chruck. Closer each day, home and away.  

12) Kimberly Crossman

Of all the strategies this season, Kim’s is the most achievable. For that, she gets my vote. 

11) Anna Simcic

Anna admitted to dreading the alliances and “all that sort of stuff” in CTI, but give the woman some pirate pūtea, she’s playing the game with the best of them. In between keeping Richie sweet and the Katipō women sweeter, Anna pivoted from tactical chat to ovarian cysts in a single breath, just to keep Richie from finding out about the top secret Ovary Agreement. What tactics? No tactics here, your honour. 

10) Candy Lane

CTI is a gritty journey of learning and self discovery, and this week Candy Lane discovered she cannot swallow gluten free bread on a beach during a wacky charity challenge. Toe bread, who needs it anyway? Upwards and onwards for our sweet Candy Lane.  

9) Joe Daymond

Joe flung a lot of balls this week and is safely ensconced in the secret awesome foursome alliance with Chris, Brynley and Lance. But his best move? Whatever the hell is going on here. 

8) Lana

Crikey, Lana had a busy week. She’s a driving force behind The Ovary Agreement, a political movement that aims to cure hunger and achieve world peace but mostly make sure Richie gets eliminated before they do. She also won money for her charity, was eliminated and saved by the captain’s mercy card, and pretended to be both Joe Daymond and Lance Savali in the entertainment spectacular. She’ll need a holiday on a beach when this is over. 

7) Edna Swart

Edna’s had enough of “talking the talk” and decided to “walk the walk”, proving herself to the celebs by volunteering for two tough challenges. Even better, she proved herself to the nation by making this extremely relatable expression when talking about pies:

6) Brynley Stent

Not only is Brynley a puzzle queen, battle queen, noodle queen and the star of the latest episode of First, but she’s also a hardcore player who admitted to killing a guinea pig and biting a cactus. Shut the poo cave door! Does this sweet and loveable comedian have a sinister side, and when will it be revealed? Put that mystery into a puzzle and solve it, ASAP.

5) Chris Parker

“My lips have burned right off,” Chris announced in the charity challenge, proving there’s no wrong time to open your soul to the nation and reveal it to be singed to its very core. This week Chris straddled teams and alliances to deliver joyfully comedic moments and astute observations, and in an ideal world, Chris Parker would win CTI just for writhing around on the sand and looking lovingly at a steak and cheese pie. Who do we talk to make this happen? 

4) Jess Tyson

Just because Jess was voted Katipō’s new captain, doesn’t mean she stopped wearing socks and jandals. A true inspiration. 

3) Lance Savali

Look, do we have to talk about that diabolical Captain’s Challenge where Lance confused everyone – including himself – as to whether he had a kūmara in his box? Of course not. Instead, let’s discuss how Lance is playing both sides, protecting his old mate Richie but also lining Richie up for elimination so Lance gets all of Richie’s clues. He’s a clever little sausage, but you know what happens to sausages? They get put in pastry, and then everyone makes Edna’s delicious pie face. I don’t make the rules. 

2) Angela Bloomfield

The master was at work this week, and I’m not talking about when Ange launched the anti-Richie Ovary Agreement and smuggled a note to Brynley to bring her into the uterine fold. I’m also not referring to the moment Angela Bloomfield channelled her best Chizz in the entertainment spectacular, an impersonation that gave me both goosebumps and good vibes. 

No, I’m talking about when Ange told the team she did “path wees, not bush wees” during the night, a bit of true-blue CTI reality that I could not love more. Give Ange all the awards, give her all the poo caves, just make Ange victorious for the path wees alone. 

1) Richie Barnett

The lone ranger lived to see another week, even though he lost the captaincy and faced his greatest nightmare: “listening to women”. It wasn’t Richie’s fault Katipō lost the team face off challenge, it was the women and their indistinct voices, which he probably couldn’t hear over the sound of all the oestrogen wafting about. Still, Richie won a tough physical challenge that scored him an important clue and a delicious food hamper, so he’s fed and fired up and ready to forage for treasure. Who cares about ovaries? Certainly not Richie. 

Keep going!