Three of your quickfire questions, answered.

Want Hera’s help? Email your problem to helpme@thespinoff.co.nz

Dear Hera,

I recently visited my mum and was helping her clear out some old boxes. Amongst all of that, we found my mum’s old school reports from when she was a child. My mum is a talented artist, but has always struggled with reading, writing and arithmetic. At that time, the school system was very unforgiving for people like her. When she was growing up, there was no understanding or support to help her.

The school reports really reflect that – they’re full of hurtful and unhelpful comments directed at a vulnerable young person who is doing her best, without support from the adults who should’ve known better.

To give you an example or two: “She needs constant prodding to complete daily assignments.” “She is still working far below her abilities.” (My mum was 8 years old.)

She asked me what I thought she should do with them. I want her to feel acknowledged and to help her move on. What on earth does a person do with these awful report cards? Is there a special museum for insensitive and hurtful objects from the past? Or is a bonfire needed?

Sincerely,

Also Dreams in Class

Dear Dreams in Class,

Who would go to school in the past? As far as I can tell, education used to be primarily about forcing children to drink expired milk, and caning whoever didn’t know the three major exports of Argentina. I’m glad your mum had the bravery to pursue her artistic talent despite the comprehensive spirit-crushing she endured. 

You’re under no obligation to do anything profound with her school reports. You can feel free to simply consign them to the dustbin of history and move on.

However, if you wanted to do something ceremonial, why not use your mother’s life as inspiration? You say your mother is a talented artist. You could photocopy her reports a hundred times, and use the paper to make an elegant papier-mâché jug, or an ornamental crocodile, or even a decoupage toilet seat. What could be more metaphorically appropriate than taking these miserly scraps of paper and reconstituting them as something beautiful, just as your mother has done with her own life? 

Dear Hera,

I am a very freckly person. I have freckles on every surface of skin that’s ever seen the sun and I’m more than OK with it. Except, every summer since I was born, someone (often a friend, but also sometimes a stranger) will say to me, “If all your freckles joined together then you’d be really tanned”. Which will never happen and could not happen on account of the mutant gene that gives me freckles. I have long stopped humouring people when they say this and instead start talking about melanoma. Is this a sign of early menopause? Should I humour them, lighten up about it? Or is my partially suppressed rage OK?

Best wishes,

Freckled

Dear Frecked,

This sounds insanely tiresome. It’s like the classic Simpsons “Do you come with the car?” gag. It’s hard to overstate how many people make exactly the same joke unless you work in customer service and have to hear “I guess it must be free then” a thousand times a day, delivered with the confidence of Jon Stewart at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. 

Sadly, I don’t think you’ll ever be free from this particular banal observation, but you’re under no obligation to laugh along. I suggest finding a way to entertain yourself. The melanoma rant is good, but if you want to mix it up, you could try “If all my fingers joined together, I wouldn’t be able to do this,” complete with the accompanying hand gesture. 

Dear Hera, 

I know people sincerely have different opinions about what’s beautiful. But as a mediocre-looking woman, I’m also acutely aware of what conventional beauty does and doesn’t look like for women. I make an effort, but I’m also not blind to my appearance. My girlfriend is very tiny and androgynous and works in a field where most people are thin and androgynous looking, regardless of gender.

I’m neither of those things. When my girlfriend says I’m pretty, I know she believes it. But when she takes pictures from an angle emphasising my double chin or the thickness of my arms, or with my hair disgusting because I’m sweating my way through a home reno, it makes me self-conscious. And when she sends those pics to her conventionally attractive friends (especially men) commenting “look at my cute girlfriend” I want to die. 

If it was coming from someone else, I’d say it’s malicious, but she genuinely doesn’t seem to get it. We’ve had multiple conversations about this, but I think she sees each one as a one-off instead of a pattern. Other than this, it’s a wonderful relationship but my already shaky self-image is taking a beating here. Is there any way to say “pay attention to the beauty norms so you can please for the love of god stop pointing out how I don’t meet them ?” I don’t need to be lied to, I just would rather have my visual flaws highlighted less often. 

Sincerely,

No More Paparazzi

Dear Paparazzi,

I think you’re overcomplicating the issue here! The problem is not that your girlfriend doesn’t understand the insidious nature of the beauty-industrial complex, and needs to be sensitively re-educated in order to better understand your discomfort. The problem is that for some bizarre reason, she’s insisting on texting photos of you that you despise to her friends after she already knows it makes you feel terrible. 

It’s great that she thinks you’re beautiful. Of course she does. But whether or not you’re conventionally hot is so completely beside the point. This is not a situation that requires a compromise. You should have total veto power, and are well within your rights to say “I don’t want you sending photos of me to your friends ever. I love that you think I’m beautiful, but this behaviour crosses a line. It makes me feel miserable and humiliated and you need to stop.” NO FURTHER DISCUSSION. If she isn’t able to respect this totally reasonable request, I can only suggest getting a new girlfriend.