I feel it’s my duty to call out blatant misinformation, but it’s hurting our relationship.

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Dear Hera,

I know the idea of an echo chamber isn’t new. I will happily put up my hand and say that as a young, university-educated, female progressive living in Wellington that I am surrounded by people who mostly think the same as me. I understand that not everyone shares my political beliefs and opinions. But I also believe in voicing these opinions and having (healthy) debates with people who think otherwise. I feel uncomfortable if people are expressing views around me that I do not agree with and that I think are actually harmful, and I do not say anything.

I can deal with conflicts that arise out of this, but it has become particularly difficult with my mother. She has a wonderful heart, and I would definitely not describe her as on the other side of the political spectrum to me. But I still feel a duty to call out blatant misinformation when I hear it from her, and to raise issues that I have with some things she says. She always takes issue with this, however, and interprets it as me patronising her and acting like I am superior to her and the rest of my family. This happens almost every time we see each other (we live in different cities). I honestly do not feel this way. 

I know she’s on a learning journey, as we all are. But I’m unable to sit there while she says things that are really old-fashioned and harmful without at least saying something.

How do I engage with her in a way that doesn’t offend her, but also isn’t just me sitting by and saying nothing?

Regards,

Victim of always complex mother-daughter relationship 

Dear V,

As I become older and more problematic, I occasionally wonder which of my strongly held beliefs will withstand the scrutiny of the future. Will I care, or will I be too busy meticulously working on photorealistic diamond art paintings of firefighters in my cruise-ship rest home?

The future comes for everyone, and it’s only right and good that the young have the tenacity and integrity to hold the rest of us to account. But while your dilemma is both relatable and well articulated, I’m left wondering: do you want to improve your relationship with your mum, or do you want her to think and feel the same way you do? These goals are not necessarily compatible. 

For what it’s worth, I think it’s righteous and brave to be the kind of person who is willing to risk discomfort to stand up for what they believe in. And if you can’t depend on your family to call you out on your bullshit, who can you trust? I’m sure that whichever beliefs you’re objecting to, I would probably agree with you. We’re in the same echo chamber after all. 

However, I also think your mother is brave to tell you that she feels patronised and belittled and you should pay attention to that. Your approach is hurting her feelings, and who wants to hurt their mother’s feelings? I think you sound like a kind person, who absolutely has their heart in the right place. But being right doesn’t seem to be working very well for you.

First, let’s acknowledge mothers are dealt a shitty hand. The job description “mother” comes with so much baggage it’s no wonder women feel obliterated by it. You sacrifice your bone density and freedom in order to invent a brand new person. You spend precious years of your life wiping that person’s ass, teaching them the difference between pigs and monkeys and driving them to their swimming lessons. And then the little shits have the audacity to turn around and tell you actually, Mussolini didn’t make the trains run on time. 

I’m not saying this is how you, personally, treat your mother. I’m saying this is how mothers are treated by society. It’s no wonder that your mum is touchy about feeling patronised and treated as inferior because mothers are patronised and treated as inferior. It’s a sensitive topic for a reason. 

If your question related to a boorish colleague or an obnoxious friend I’d tell you to fact-check to your heart’s content. But I think in this scenario, trying to deepen your relationship with your mother is a more interesting goal than always being right. 

Most of us only get one mother in this life. The fact that you say she has a wonderful heart speaks volumes. In an ideal world, you could have a robust, gesticulatory argument that leaves everyone feeling invigorated and intellectually refreshed. But it seems like you and your mother have accidentally created a mutual dynamic where your mother feels scolded by you.

My advice is to do a hard conversational reset. 

If you’re an intensely principled person, it can be hard to let go of being right. Especially when you hear people saying dubious things about a topic you know a lot about. But at this stage, it doesn’t seem like your interventions are actually doing much to change your mother’s mind, and have more to do with satisfying your personal conviction that it’s right to speak up for what you believe in. 

In general, I’m with you. But I think that the effectiveness of your arguments and your personal relationship with your mum would both be better served by picking your battles.

I would encourage you to practice letting the smaller stuff slide. Helen Clark was New Zealand’s first female prime minister? Close enough. Everyone’s brain is at least 2% exfoliating shower beads? Hopefully wrong, but not worth bickering over. David Seymour has some wonderful ideas about the educational system? OK Mum. Have you seen that new documentary on camel racing? 

I’m not saying you need to turn a blind eye to racism or transphobia or anything that truly offends your principles. But if you pick a few “big ticket” items that are important to you, and let the rest slide, that’s a reasonable compromise. Being strategically silent from time to time isn’t a tacit endorsement of all your mum’s beliefs. It’s called listening and it’s allowed.

If the misinformation is simply too crazy to bear in polite silence, it’s OK to say “let’s not talk about microplastics today” and reroute the conversation. You could take this opportunity to find out more about your mother’s life. She wants to complain about fluoride in the water? Ask her about her childhood in Tasmania, or the bands she loved in her 20s. At the very least, you’ll get to know her better. 

I’m not saying you can never correct your mum again. But don’t think of it as giving up! Think of it as rebuilding a little conversational trust, so that you can have deeper and less antagonistic conversations in the future. People are much less defensive about their opinions if they feel genuinely respected and listened to. 

One of the hardest lessons for some parents to learn is that children are not simply DNA copies, but individuals with their own hearts and minds. The very least we can do is try to extend that same courtesy to them.

Good luck!