Tara Ward delivers the power rankings for week two of The Bachelor NZ, as Moses Mackay’s dramatic search for love continues.
Time flies when you’re having fun, and week two of The Bachelor NZ whizzed by like an opera singer on a jet ski. Last week we were meeting the women, this week we’re rubbing sexual oils over our chests and drinking lukewarm chocolate in a circle. That’s the magic of The Bachelor NZ, a series that pretends to be about everlasting love but is actually about hanging with your mates while dousing yourselves in horny sauce. Good news, we’re here for every slippery drop.
This week was filled with emotion, and in the timeless words of B*Witched, we’re riding in a rollercoaster of love. Moses ate a lot of cheese and called himself “the biggest magnet”, the women overcame their fears of fish and flying balls, and a peaceful connection circle was ripped apart by four intruders. Best of all, Paul from The Bachelorette NZ turned up to supervise a group of women cooking. Happy belated International Women’s Day, everyone. Feminism is fun.
Despite the overwhelming powers of our favourite human magnet, the sexy oil dreams of five brave women went down in flames. The only person to see it coming was Kimi, who looked into the fireplace during the first rose ceremony and saw the future staring back at her.
Let’s strike a match and set fire to another round of highly scientific rankings.
Sabby was disappointed to leave, probably because her mouth was still burning from the chilli she ate on night one. When she said goodbye, Moses thanked her for sharing her story, like he was John Campbell reporting live from a disaster zone. Maybe he was, I don’t know any more.
She won the tennis game, but failed to win Moses’s heart. Goodbye and good luck, Cirrus.
The most shocking thing about Shivani being sent home was that Moses didn’t know she was a lawyer, despite them having a one-on-one date that lasted an entire day. What did they talk about? The mind boggles. Anyhoo, Shivani told Moses she didn’t like him calling the competition a “game” and that he didn’t share enough of himself, but the final thorn in the rose coffin was when she said “it’s not just your show, it’s our show too”. Never forget.
Kayla cooked curry on a barbecue during the group date, and if this was Masterchef NZ she would have been heralded as a culinary genius. Sadly, this is a show about finding love with a stranger in four weeks, which is as ridiculous as cooking spicy soup on a grill. No rose for you, curry queen.
We’ll remember Steph for declining Moses’s rose, but we should really remember Steph for her snoring dog named Charlie Bacon Brown. Moses said he and Steph weren’t on the same wavelength, but come on Love Magnet, your dog snores too! That’s destiny fulfilling itself right there.
13) Alana (Intruder)
After this season of The Bachelor NZ, I never want to see a kayak or a paddleboard on reality TV again. First Todd and now Alana, who popped up from the ocean’s depths to meet Moses on a wobbly piece of fibreglass. Get out of the water, everyone. I’m calling time on this madness.
12) Lydia (Intruder)
I SAID, I’M CALLING TIME ON THIS MADNESS.
We could have kayaked across sweet, sweet Kimi’s sea of tears this week. She cried when Moses joked that she wanted to go home, wept when he explained why he hadn’t picked her for a group date, and bawled as she joked “usually I don’t cry until date number six”. “Is this a date?” Moses replied. Keep digging that hole, magnet man.
I’ve no idea what’s going on here, but I do know that I woke up this morning and did the same thing to my hair and have never felt more alive.
9) Suzanne (Intruder)
The intruders will bring some much-needed drama to the mansion, and given that Suzanne was kicked out of bible school, started her own church and is still legally married, she may well be at the centre of it. Hey ho, what’s a cocktail party without some interesting stories? Maybe her dog snores too.
8) Chanel No Excel
Chanel had a disappointing week because she forgot to use her powers of Excel. Obviously, this is unacceptable. It’s not good for love and it’s really screwing up my top secret campaign to increase global awareness of romantic spreadsheets. Will Chanel end up stuck in the friend column if she doesn’t bust out her iPad ASAP? Tense.
Last seen covering herself in cinnamon bark essential oil and sampling the connection circle cacao. Delicious.
Thoughts and prayers for the lovely Niki, who this week admitted to being afraid of flying balls. Aren’t we all? No? Just a connection circle between Niki and me then, it’ll be fun.
5) Annie (Intruder)
Annie’s intro video showed her paddle boarding with her dog, which by law means she should be in final place along with every other paddle boarder we’ve seen in this franchise. However, Annie and Moses quickly hit it off during a spot of fishing, probably because Annie comes from Wānaka, where there are also fish. Straight to the top five: fate or fishy? You decide.
Lou hooned into contention this week, pulling some hectic jetski moves that almost* killed the Bachelor. Lou hates open water and can’t swim, yet she climbed aboard that jetski and did as many watery donuts as she could. Burn it up, Lou, you absolute boss.
*not even close
Sam won the group barbecue cook-off with this plate of charred goodness, proving that a simple lemon wedge really does transform every meal. She also described the cacao drink as “like being ripped off by a chocolate bar” and called Art Green “Arty”. An absolute gem.
Sparks flew between Lana and Moses during their picnic with a random dog, but credit to Lana for refusing to be involved in Moses’s ranking of the bachelorettes. There’s only room for one puerile ranking of the women this season, and unless Moses’s list includes an irrational hatred for water sports and some banter about flying balls, then I don’t want to hear it. Also, the dog for Bachelor NZ 2022.
Moses and Shanae cruised into deep waters on their lovely sailing date, connecting in a way that didn’t involve sitting in a circle and drinking warm dirt. If Shanae thought the women’s response when she arrived home was rude, wait until the mansion owners see the grass stains the connection circle left on their nice white cushions. Pray for those rich people, because no amount of sexy essential oils will get ever rid of those marks.
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