Alex Casey goes through the Bachelorette’s pop quiz answers with a fine tooth comb, in order to find out what’s really lurking behind the smiley faces, scribbles and love hearts. //
There is no better way to discover someone’s worldview than a hand-filled out form. So you can imagine my delight when I found out that the TV3 website was chocka-block with pop quizzes from our contestants on The Bachelor NZ. After watching The Jinx last week, it only felt right to do a deep dive analysis of this juicy evidence, handwriting and all.
I don’t even know where to start. First of all, Danielle B has the kind of handwriting only found on that ratty piece of baking paper that has fallen out of your grandmother’s recipe book. She’s getting away with pure murder with “more-than-meets-the-eye” as ONE of her THREE words. She loves Bruno Mars so much that he transcends the Pop bracket, and her favourite website sells discount cosmetics. Bless you Danielle B, may all your incredible makeup savings get you to France and may you watch The Grand Budapest Hotel on loop for the whole flight.
Also good to know that if things don’t work out with Art (or Bruno Mars) you can always marry Justin Timberlake seeing as your life philosophies seem to uncannily align so perfectly.
Ah, ye old yaire. Yaire definitely not the only girl to go to Justine Timberlake, I can tell you that much. Watch out Danielle B, there’s another JT nut on the loose.
Old Billy Big Bails over here.
Congrats Alysha on absolutely taking this “3 Words” rule to the windows, then the walls. You have the greatest taste in movies so far, and congratulations on recording your potentially illegal television watching habits for the cops to find. Southern Sapphire or Internet Pirate? We’ll have to get Danielle B on the case.
Writing her basic life philosophy BELOW the line plays with the form in a disarming and melancholic way. Possibly related to her utter dismay at remembering how much it sucks to change a duvet cover.
I’m worried about when Natalie started school, and I totally understand the disgust in a terrible pick-up line executed with a “chessy” voice. Must sound awful with all those pawns and kings rammed in your throat.
An interesting character for sure. Part Euro symbol, part bum with a skewer through it – all mystery.
You have to choose, this isn’t bloody “I wish for more wishes” dot co dot nz.
This is classic Pops tbh. She’s chucked in an indent for no reason, and a bizarre hovering fullstop just to lighten the mood. Pretty much the punctuation equivalent of a beachfront fart. Nearly distracted me from the fact that she put “N/A” as her favourite website. I beg to differ.
Man this is greedy, but there’s also nothing quite like a pair of anniversary Zoggs.
THE TIME YOU KISSED A 7FT WHAT POPPY?!?! DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THIS?!
She’s a gal who loves a good sequel, that’s for sure. This pretty much takes the cake for me, movie-wise. Never could have predicted a weirder pull back and reveal. Yippie-Kris-tay, motherfucker.
Ah, the least embarrassing moment with the happiest ending that anyone has ever experienced.
I am not here to judge your penchant for Amanda Bynes’ golden era Channing-launch pad She’s the Man at all Dani. If it hadn’t been for She’s the Man, Channing wouldn’t have made it to 22 Jump St, and then what would Kristie have scribbled out?
What I am worried about is what you are scared of. “I’m scared of open seal? Soil? Soul? Open soul? If She’s the Man has taught us anything, it’s the importance of an open soul. Don’t fear it Dani, embrace it. Embrace it like an ASOS package.
Dani mysteriously crossed out working at “Fort” something. Fort Lauderdale? She has a bit of a Florida vibe.
[Edit: I have since been informed by several online recruits that this is the makings of Forsyth Barr Stadium. Thank you, you are all hired to join the investigative team]
Anyway, I’m glad she took a snakes and ladders approach downtown to elaborate that it was during the world cup. Really making us work for those details, she knows exactly what she’s doing. As for the scary soft return and indent of “nuts”? Yes, you are bloody nuts with that one mate.
Titillatingly, Chrystal’s pop quiz was not available for viewing. The comments section revealed why.
She could have well been to a Tyler Swift concert, and Japanese food + happiness = Japiness. It all makes sense, I just think Chrystal is just leaving her own special lipstick mark on the English language.
The Best of the Rest
So those are all the remaining Bachelorettes, but some of the eliminated ones got a look-in too:
Brigette’s dark and thick use of parenthesis revealing a lot of repressed trauma in relation to being dropped out of the pram as a baby:
Shivani’s goddamn favourite website is Google:
Amanda cramming in fun along with essential viewing Me, Myself and Irene:
And then revealing just how scorned a woman she is:
Hayley going HAM for all music (especially Sublime):
Carissa’s bone-chilling serial killer handwriting:
I’ve going to do my best to dissect the strongest parts of each, but please for the love of Mike Puru read the full entries here and then get @ me with your own analysis in the comments.
The Bachelor NZ airs Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 7.30pm on TV3
The Spinoff Daily gets you all the day's best reading in one handy package, fresh to your inbox Monday-Friday at 5pm.