The friendly staff of The White Lotus, a resort that definitely exists. (Photo: HBO)

Pop CultureJuly 19, 2021

An honest review of The White Lotus resort

Contributing writer

The friendly staff of The White Lotus, a resort that definitely exists. (Photo: HBO)

Sam Brooks reviews a stay at The White Lotus, the (fictional) hotel-resort at the centre of the new Neon series of the same name.

Hell is other people, goes the Jean-Paul Sartre quote. If my recent stay at the White Lotus, featured in the new HBO comedy on Neon, is anything to go by, that quote should be: heaven is a five-star resort, hell is the other people staying there.

From the moment you pull into the harbour and see the staff waving at you, smiles seemingly surgically stitched onto their faces, you know you’re in for a special time. Everything you expect from a Hawaiian resort is on display here: palm trees, radiant sunsets, and staff who cater to their guests’ every need. What a delight!

Hell people in a heaven place. (Photo: HBO)

So that’s the heaven. What about the hell? Well, The White Lotus seems to exclusively cater to a clientele determined to make their internal issues external, and make their own business everybody else’s.

Look, it’s a Hawaiian resort. There are beaches galore. There is far more than the scientifically recommended amount of sunshine. There are, for some reason, a near infinite number of pools, even though the ocean is literally right there you guys. It’s all surface level pretty, obviously, but what a surface it is!

Look deeper, and you’ll find one of the most, uh, uniquely emotional experiences you’re likely to ever have at a hotel, give or take that Eyes Wide Shut place (was that a hotel?).

The lovely hosts at The White Lotus. (Photo: HBO)

The Australian resort manager is lovely, even if his sweetness seems to be hiding a deep loathing for most of the people in his hotel. But I can’t not love that accent, though. Is it Sydney by way of Fawlty Towers? It does seem that over my week-long stay, his professionalism took a hit, and the undercurrent of dislike became very much an overcurrent of blinding hatred. I might be reading too much into things though.

It feels unkind to mention other guests in what should be a review of the premises, but what are a hotel’s guests if not a reflection of the hotel? One woman there seemed especially out of place and on edge the entire time, with a rather loose understanding of the boundaries between guest and staff. I’m also pretty sure it’s frowned upon to spread your mother’s ashes in the ocean! Just a head’s up for future staff interactions with guests.

She was very charming, though.

Tanya, who may or may not be played by Jennifer Coolidge. (Photo: HBO)

It seems that while we can check into the hotel, we can’t check out of our relationships. I can’t help but mention the family – led by a matriarch with the best hair I’ve ever seen in my life – who seemed genetically engineered to upset me, especially the three zoomer children they brought with them. During my stay, I overheard them discussing testicular cancer, Marxism, extramarital affairs and excessive drug use (prescription and recreational). The girls also pretended to read Malcolm Gladwell and Camille Paglia, which is frankly just offensive. Nobody should read Malcolm Gladwell or Camille Paglia. It’s 2021.

The food however? Great! Authentic, with great se– Look, can I just complain once more about the guests? It really can’t be overstated how much one particular pair of guests, who appeared to be on their honeymoon, could not be worse suited to each other. The husband complained incessantly about being put in the wrong room, while the wife spent her entire trip resenting the fact that she’d married this person at all. At one point, he even called his mother in to sort things out! I mean… come on!

Anyway, the food was nice.

I did feel some concern for Belinda, the woman who runs the wellness centre at the hotel, whose job apparently also seems to consist of taking care of the emotional, and sometimes physical burdens that her guests place on her. If she’s the heart of the resort, then the resort needs a heart transplant. She needs to be somewhere else, for her own good. See above re: the blonde woman who I think I literally heard say “Rich people could use you.”

She gives a great massage, though!!!

Ultimately, it has to be said that The White Lotus is a resort in Hawai’i – of course it’s wonderful! There’s nowhere better to sit on the beach, watch the sun set, and reconsider my relationship to my privilege, and the privileged experiences of those around me. Or I can have a mojito and hang out with the fun lady spreading her mother’s ashes. That’s good too.

Five stars.

The White Lotus is a hotel resort in Hawai’i and is, unfortunately, fictional. The White Lotus is also a six episode limited series that starts on Neon tonight.

Keep going!

Pop CultureJuly 16, 2021

Every Mike Pero finger point in The Apprentice Aotearoa, ranked

Tara Ward

Staff writer

The true star of The Apprentice Aotearoa? Mike Pero’s index finger.

It’s rude to point, unless your name is Mike Pero. As CEO of reality series The Apprentice Aotearoa, Pero’s “you’re fired” stare-and-point movement is arguably the most anticipated part of every episode. It’s the crucial moment when Pero sends a contestant home, banishing them from the boardroom with a single elongation of his right arm. He also says words, but they’re not important. First rule of business: always let your finger do the talking.

Mike Pero, flanked by Cassie Roma and Justin Tomlinson, points

The Point is a simple gesture, but one that radiates power and authority. It begins with the forward propulsion of the arm, gains intensity with the flex of the wrist and climaxes with a jab from the digit of doom. Hopes and dreams are shattered with one socially distanced poke. You didn’t sell enough gelato, you suck at mowing lawns, you couldn’t convince the old people they had a nice day out. Poke. Poke. Poke. There’s no trigger on this finger gun, but it hurts all the same.

Point stans The Real Pod recently scored the scoop of the century from The Apprentice Aotearoa adviser Cassie Roma, who revealed a great deal of thought goes into The Point. “First thing first: it’s a new point every week,” said Roma. “The first week we were asking ‘do we bring it over the top with the point, or do we do a rainbow arc? Do you use your elbow and pivot down?’” Technique is key, and Pero needs to get it right. A true pressure point, if you will.

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The effort is appreciated, the method adored. We’ve collated every glorious pointy moment from The Apprentice Aotearoa and ranked them from worst to best. Pointing never goes out of fashion, and Pero knows it. His tie always matches his pocket hanky, but his point goes with everything.

10) The Beast (episode eight)

An unremarkable effort from our pointy friend, possibly due to the intense emotions in the boardroom. Pero’s wrist made a sterling effort but Pero was too busy accentuating the “you’re” in “you’re fired” to notice. This point should have fired itself.

9) The Double Down (episode seven)

Not one, but two disappointing efforts. A double eviction in this episode saw Pero unleash two firings, but, sadly, double the point doesn’t mean double the pleasure. In the immortal words of contestant Mike, this is a moot point.

8) The Richard Branson (episode 10)

A good point, though small on scale. Pero’s index finger was in position early, which is an admirable level of commitment and the sort of big sky thinking that gets businessmen into space.

7) The No Arm No Foul (episode six)

Pero’s decision to send Olivia home was “easier than it should have been”, and this point reeks of his displeasure. He merely lifts his hand off the table, his upper arm presumably too disgusted to participate. Heavy hangs the tricep that wears the crown.

6) The Cufflink (episode five)

Excellent forward movement, with extra marks for the cameo cufflink. Short, sharp and… to the point, Pero keeps his elbow bent throughout, a move that says “I’m too busy to fully extend my limbs”, but also “I love buttons”.

5) The Toyota Corolla (episode two)

A magnificent horizontal push sees Pero’s arm quickly reach full extension, his finger reaching in a considered, deliberate way. This point will never let you down. It’s economical, it’s reliable, it’s the Toyota Corolla of pointing.

4) The Rogue (episode nine)

Mr CEO goes rogue, swinging his arm in such an unpredictable fashion that even the camera can’t keep up. Get a grip, Mike Pero! Settle down, Mike Pero! He’s so full of regret at sending competitor Kennedy home that his hand wafts around the screen like an entrepreneur’s summer robe in a soft zephyr breeze. Absolute scenes.

3) The Surprise (episode four)

This was Pero’s first point to his right rather than his left, and if you stare at the screen long enough, you’ll note how excited his phalanges are. The strong wrist rules supreme here, but Pero also says “you are fired” instead of “you’re fired”, confirming once and for all that surprises are good for the economy.

2) The Guillotine (episode one)

The first Pero Point is a bold piece of performance art, and sets the pointy bar for the rest of the season. He might have peaked too soon, because almost nothing else matches the unharnessed energy we see in this emphatic movement, as the arm moves aggressively to cover 90 degrees in approximately 0.3 seconds. Also, there are too many hands here, so it’s just as well Pero’s arm guillotine is about to chop them all off. Bravo.

1) The Bird in Flight (episode three)

I just want to be part of your symphony, Mike Pero, and there’s no finer arrangement than episode three’s pointalicious example. Pero rests his elbow on his chair, pulls his hand back to his face and – wait for it – begins to point before he’s even moved his arm forward. The audacity! The heroism! It’s the perfect storm of fingers and finance. Call him Mike Pero, call him Mike Pointo, just stay out of the way of his finger.

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